Teaser [Shot of Cats in Victory Poses] Speedy: On the Next... GB [Flying above them]: PIZZA CATS! [Slashes the screen diagonally. Screen falls into two pieces revealing a shot of the cats sitting around the parlor, looking board.] Narrator: Becoming board with the relative routineness of their lives, the Pizza Cats decide to take a vacation. Polly: I agree we need a vacation, but where? Guido: Hey, I got a great idea! Narrator: Following Guido's suggestion our heroes fly out to New Mexico to go on an old fashion cattle drive. [Shot of the cats at the ranch] Once there, they are delighted to meet up with an old friend: Sundance of the New York City Pizza Cats! Speedy [pleasantly surprised]: What are you doing here? Sundance: What, are you kidding? This is one of my favorite vacation spots! Narrator: The cats also make several new friends as they meet this episode's celebrity guest stars, the Mystery Men! Shoveler [shaking hands w/ Speedy]: Let me introduce myself. I'm the Shoveler. These are my teammates Mr. Furious, the Bowler, and, our newest member, Java Kid. Narrator: But fate has no intention of letting any of these heroes rest as two familiar faces show up for the cattle drive. [Shot of two cowboys. One appears to be a rat with a fox's tail and the other is an elderly crow.] What sort of evil plan have Big Cheese and Jerry Atric come up with? Will these ten brave heroes finish the cattle drive? Will Speedy learn the secret of life, marry Polly and give up being a samurai? What'll happen to Java Kid if he doesn't get his coffee? Will the Shoveler be reduced to cleaning up cowpies? Find out the answers to these and other pointless questions in Kitty Slickers, Episode #4 of The New Adventures of the Samurai Pizza Cats! Episode 4: Kitty Slickers Written By Guido Cerviche [Overhead shot of Little Tokyo zooming in on the Pizza parlor.] Narrator: Another day dawns in Little Tokyo, and finally our heroes have some well-deserved time off. So why is it then that they seem so unhappy? [Parlor Interior] Speedy: I'll tell ya why. It's the same thing day after day around here! Make pizzas, fight crime, make deliveries, get fired out of a cannon into a wall, etc, etc. We need a break, guys. All: You said it. Polly: I agree we need a vacation, but where? Guido: Hey, I got an idea! My brother and I used do this every summer and it was great! Speedy (sarcastic): Oh, great. Now, we're gonna take a play from the Romeo Anchovy playbook. Guido (annoyed): What does that mean? Speedy: Well, ya gotta admit Guido, your brother is a little... extreme. Francine: Why don't we wait and hear what he has to say first? Polly & GB: Yeah! Speedy [throwing up his hands]: Alright. What's this great idea, Guido? Guido: For three weeks, the five of us in New Mexico, driving cattle to Colorado. GB (confused): In a truck? Guido: No! With horses! Polly: You mean like in that Billy Crystal movie? Speedy [rolls his eyes]: I told you. Francine: I think it sounds like fun! I've always wanted to be a cowgirl! [The rest of the cats look at her strangely.] Guido: So, what do you think? You said you wanted something different. GB: Yeah, that certainly is different. Polly: Come on, Speedy. It'll be fun. Speedy: You want to do it? Polly: Sure, why not? It'll be neat to get away from the city. Speedy: Well... If you want to go, then I guess I'll come along. Guido: Great! Everybody get your bags packed, we're headed to New Mexico. Francine: I'll call Big Al, and tell him we'll be taking some vacation time. GB you find someone who'll watch the parlor while we're gone. [Our heroes each set off to pack and to make preparations. Scene shift to the ranch in New Mexico, where the cattle drive begins.] Narrator: Wow! That was fast! Speedy [sullen]: Writer's orders. There's a lot of stuff that's gonna happen, and real soon. We can't waste time on filler. Narrator: No filler? That never works. I smell a big plot hole coming up. Polly: Cheer up, Speedy. This'll be a lot of fun. Look at those cowboys. [Speedy looks over at the cowboys, who are lassoing cattle, and taking them down by the horns. He looks more depressed than ever. Guido is standing right by the fence, anxious to get started.] Francine [talking to GB]: GB, I'm just saying that I don't feel comfortable leaving the parlor in the hands of ninja crows. GB: I'm deeply hurt. Francine: That's not what I mean. I trust you. Other ninja crows, I'm not so sure about. GB: I'll vouch for these guys. If anything happens to the parlor while we're gone, you can dock my pay to cover it. Francine: Oh, you bet your **CENSORED** I will! Familiar Voice: Well, well, well. If it isn't the Samurai Pizza Cats! [The cats whirl around to the source of the voice, weapons in hand. They lower their weapons when they see who it is.] Speedy [pleasantly surprised]: Sundance! How ya been? What're you doing here? Sundance: What, are you kidding? I used to live around these parts. I come down here every summer and I cook for the cattle drive! Speedy: No Kidding! [shakes his hand vigorously] Great to see you! Sundance: Same here. How are you? Speedy: Eh, you know how it is. Make pizzas, fight crime, and get fired from a cannon into a wall. Sundance: Speak for yourself. Abigail is a good shot. Speedy: Oh, now I am jealous. Sundance: So, you gonna introduce me to the new recruits? Speedy [gesturing to Francine]: This is Francine. Francine, this is the Sundance Kid. He's the leader of the New York Pizza Cats. Francine: Oh, so this is that "annoying loudmouth who turned out to not be such a bad guy"? Speedy [embarrassed]: Ah, heh heh heh. [whispered] Francine! Sundance [laughing]: That's ok. You should've heard what I told Commissioner Al Fredo about you! Speedy [changing the subject]: Francine has actually been with us since the beginning, but she never did any fighting before. Sundance: How about that. You know Abigail just started fighting with us too! Speedy: Really! Neat. [gestures to GB] And this is my good friend Good Bird. We call him GB. Sudance [shaking hand w/ GB]: Nice to meet you. [Eyes narrow] Have we met before? [GB is surprised by the comment, and looks worried. Quick flashback to Mission in Manhattan when Bad Bird is fighting Sundance and the New York Pizza Cats. The flashback ends, and we see GB still looking nervous.] GB [nervous]: Uh, I don't believe so! Heh heh. Sudance [suspicious]: You remind me of someone... [The Sundance is interrupted by a loud noise that sounds like a gunshot. Everyone hits the dirt. The "gunshot" is actually an old rustbucket car backfiring. The doors open and four strange looking people get out. They're especially strange looking to the Pizza Cats... because they're humans! The one man is wearing a black trench coat, w/ a black leather vest and black pants. The other man has a silver construction worker's hat on, a silver armored vest and a grayish rescue workers uniform. Strapped to his back is a shovel. The woman has a black bodysuit with the shoulders cut out, and a black vinyl cape with skull crossed by bowling pins on the back. Slung over her one shoulder is a bowling bag. The last human is a teenage boy. He's wearing a black jumpsuit that has a white coffee cup on the chest surrounded by yellow lightning bolts. He also has a cream colored belt, an iridescent cape, a black bandana and red gloves. He and the shovel guy are dragging their luggage behind them.] Woman: Did you at least get a decent insurance policy with this hunk of scrap? 1st Man [sarcastic]: Oh, yes. As a matter of fact that's one of the first things those sleazy hucksters offered me. [turns back to the car] Man, this really cheeses my wheel! I can't believe they stuck us with this piece of junk! [Starts kicking the car. First the fender falls off, then the doors, then the engine drops through the car, and finally his foot goes through the hood. As he pulls it out, what's left of the car collapses into a pile of rust] 2nd Man: Oh, great idea, Roy. Ruin the car so we can't get back. Kid: It doesn't make any difference. We were lucky to get here. Woman: He's right. That car wouldn't have gotten us two miles out of here. 2nd Man: Ok, your right. 1st Man: You bet your shovel they're right. [Notices the cats.] Hey, who are the cats? Kid: I think they're the stars of this show. 2nd Man: Well, let's go introduce ourselves. [They start walking towards the cats.] 1st Man: Man, anthromorphs give me the creeps. Woman: Don't you think that's just a little racist? They're just like us, for the most part. Kid: I wonder what they're saying about us. [Camera on Speedy and the others] Speedy: Who are those guys? Guido: They must be the other guests. GB: I wish I had known about this. Humans make me... uncomfortable. Polly: Oh, don't worry about it GB. They're just normal people, mostly. Francine: Maybe, but you have to wonder what they think of us. [The two groups finally meet.] Speedy: Hi, you're here for the cattle drive too? 1st Man (sarcastic): No, we're here for the National Tag-Team Mahjongg Championships. [The cats look at him strangely] 2nd Man: Ignore him. He has a problem with answering obvious questions. 1st Man (sarcastic): No, really? You think? 2nd Man [shaking hands w/ Speedy]: Let me introduce myself. I'm the Shoveler. These are my teammates Mr. Furious [gestures to the other man], the Bowler [gestures to the woman], and, our newest member, Java Kid. [Gestures to the boy. {Note: Java Kid is an original character. He is not an official Mystery Men character.}] Speedy [furrows his brow, then recognizes them]: Oh, the Mystery Men! Shoveler: The who? Speedy: The Mystery Men. The Champion City Mystery Men, right? Shoveler [confused]: We are from Champion City, but we're not called the Mystery Men. Speedy: Oh. Well, that's what they call you in the newspaper. [Takes out a copy of the Little Tokyo Tribune. Headline says Casanova Frankenstein defeated by Champion City Mystery Men. Speedy points to a guy with a shovel in the picture.] That looks an awful lot like you. What do you call yourselves? Bowler: Actually, we hadn't settled on a name yet. Java Kid: The Mystery Men... Got a nice ring to it. Guido: Heads up. The guy who owns the ranch is here [They turn around. The guy who owns the ranch is a big fat cat. He's dressed like an old fashioned cowboy. The two cowboys who were wrangling the cattle walk over behind him. The one is a rat, but his tail is unusually bushy for a member of his species. The other appears to be an older, but no less tough looking, crow.] Guy Who Owns the Ranch: Howdy folks. The name's Larry. I'm the owner of this ranch, and I'll be your trail boss when we set out. These folks here are Big Jack and JA. [The cowboys tip their hats.] You saw how they handled the cattle. Over the next couple of days, you'll learn to do the same thing. Guido: Yee-HA! Speedy: Guido, could you make a bigger ass out of yourself? Larry [to Speedy]: Actually that's just the sort of attitude we're looking for. [to everyone] Once you've learned the basics, we'll give you a herd to drive up to Colorado. The goal is simple enough: Get the herd to the ranch in Colorado, make sure you round up any strays along the way, and above all, have fun. Now go get ready! Let's see if we can make cowboys outta you folks. [Cut to later in the day. The heroes are training for the cattle drive.] Narrator: That'll be a tough job. I get the feeling that not everyone is as happy about this as Guido. GB: This is dumb. Why the heck do I have to ride a horse? I'm a bird. I can fly to Colorado! Francine: Kinda hard to herd cattle in the air GB. GB: Oh yeah? Just watch me. [GB swoops down at a bunch of cows that have wandered around the pen. He manages to steer a couple back to the main group. He lassos a third one and tries to drag it along too. Unfortunately, this is where the horse would come in handy. He pulls and pulls, but the cow doesn't budge. The rope around the cow's neck frays, and eventually snaps. GB's momentum causes him to fly out of control eventually landing in the mud where Furious and Bowler are practicing. He sprays mud all over them. They glare at him annoyed. Java Kid just snickers.] Speedy: You ok, GB? GB: Yeah, just a little dirty. Mr. Furious (caustically): Jeez, I wonder why? Bowler: Cut him a break, Furious. Think of it as a learning experience. [glares at GB] As in, if he doesn't want to experience a world of hurt, he'll learn to ride the horse. GB (slightly intimidated): Yes, well, perhaps it's not as useless a skill as I thought. [GB gets up apologizes to Furious and Bowler. Guido walks over to the group. He looks a little ill.] Guido: How's it going? GB: A little better. What have you been up to? Guido: Oh, nothing. Just, um- Speedy: Oh, no. You didn't see them castrate a horse did you? Guido (horrified): God, no. They slaughtered a pig. Why the hell would I want to watch that? Polly (teasing): What's wrong Guido? Does the thought make you uncomfortable? All the men [including the Narrator] (in unison): Yes! [Polly, Francine, and Bowler snicker to themselves. Several yards away, Big Jack and JA are talking to each other.] Big Jack: Those fools. They think they can hide here from the likes of us? We'll show them, right Jerry? JA: Undoubtedly, Cheesy. Unless of course you continue to refuse to call me by my alias, in which case, we might as well pack our bags now. BC: Hmph. Look who's talking. I told you before to call me Big Jack, rather than that other name. Jerry [looks embarrassed]: Hmph. [changes the subject] By the way, I never knew you knew so much about being a cowboy. BC [looking proud]: Well it is in my blood. Jerry: What? You're kidding! BC: Certainly not. My ancestor Nacho Cheese used to live around these parts in the days of the old west. He was the meanest desperado this side of the Rio. For years he plundered a small town known as Little Reno, until a small band of cowboys came to it's defense. Jerry: Who were these cowboys. BC [glowing red]: They became known as the Magnificent Pizza Cats. Jerry: (nervous) Th-that was a long time ago Che- Jacky! Put it behind you and let's mosey over to the crew. BC: You're right JA. (evilly) We need them in tiptop shape for when we head out. [The two villains give an evil laugh. Cue SPC theme, remixed with a slight western sound. We see clips of the next couple of days, as the cats and the Mystery Men train for the drive and buy equipment. Speedy tries on a cowboy outfit, which makes him look exactly the same as Sundance!] Sundance [looking at Speedy]: I think you grew since I saw you last. Speedy: Really? Shoveler [looks back and forth between the two]: Did you two come from the same litter? [Sundance and Speedy glare at him. The Shoveler gulps and backs off. Next we see Guido in his new cowboy outfit doing his Clint Eastwood impression. Francine, in her cowgirl outfit, wanders nearby.] Guido [pointing a make believe gun at a dummy cow.] Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya... punk? Francine: Nice Eastwood, Guido. [Guido jumps a little and turns to face Francine.] Guido [blushing slightly, but keeping his cool]: Why, thankya kindly [tips his hat.] Ma'am. [Guido walks back towards the practice area. Francine blushes deeply. Cut to final clip. Furious is running for his life. Chasing after him is Polly, who is wearing a towel.] Mr. Furious (afraid for his life): I swear, I didn't know you were in there! Polly (enraged): I'LL TEACH YOU TO KNOCK BEFORE COMING INTO THE SHOWER! [Furious hops on a horse and attempts to ride to freedom. Polly ties the towel around herself so it won't fall down, and picks up a lasso. Swinging it over her head, she throws it, lassoing Furious right in the midsection. The rope pulls him off the horse, and he lands hard on the ground.] Bowler [watching from the ranch-house porch, winces]: Ooh, that's gotta hurt. Speedy [averting his eyes]: You haven't seen anything yet. [Polly walks over to the prone Furious. He's whimpering like a baby.] Mr. Furious (scared to death): Please, don't hurt me. [Polly hisses at him.] Mr. Furious: Momma. [Cut back to the porch. Off screen we hear lots of crashes, crunches, and screaming.] Bowler [averting her eyes]: Eww. I see what you mean. [End SPC theme. Cut to the barn. Larry asks Shoveler and Java Kid to help him get the horses out. They open the door and find Furious lying stomach down on a saddle which he is tied to. The saddle is hanging from the ceiling. The Shoveler tries in vain to suppress a laughing fit. Java Kid just stares in shock, and tries to see where he's hanging from.] Shoveler [still laughing]: Well, hello there, Harry Houdini! Java Kid [spins Furious in the air]: Cool. Who did this to you man? And what's her phone number? Mr. Furious [gritting his teeth, back to his old angry self]: Very funny. Just get me down, now! Larry [turning away, rolling his eyes]: Hmph. City folk. [Cut to later in the evening.] Narrator: My feelings exactly, Larry. Later that night, the group celebrates the completion of their training and their last night at the ranch. Little do they suspect the evil lurking in the darkness. Jerry/JA: Operation Deadlands ready to begin, Cheesy. BC/Big Jack: I told you to call me Big Jack. Jerry/JA: Don't worry, no one can hear us. Our identities are perfectly safe. Remember article 36 of the Villain's Handbook. BC/Big Jack: Yes, I know. "There is no one as stupid as the hero or heroes of a TV cartoon show." Narrator: Well with advice like that, no wonder their plans never work. BC & Jerry (in unison): WE HEARD THAT! BC: That's it. We've delayed long enough. Jerry, activate the miniature cowbot drones! Jerry [pressing a button on a remote control]: Drones activated. [The eyes from several of the cow dummies used for roping practice begin to glow. The tops of the horns pop off, revealing rapid-fire laser guns. The cloth coverings rip and tear as the metal drones nearly double in size. {They're still not large enough to be threatening, except in a large group... which they are.} The herd of drones {approximately 30} crackles as they charge themselves, and with surprising speed they run towards the ranch.] Francine: What the hell? [The drones stampede through the party, firing their lasers. The Pizza Cats and their companions quickly ready themselves for the fight.] [Bowler opens up her bowling bag, and removes a crystal bowling ball with a skull inside. As she lifts it back, it makes a distinct humming sound. She tosses it, and the ball hits one drone, then ricochets and hits two other drones charging at her.] Bowler: Strike! [Java Kid dismantles one drone with a lightning quick flurry of kicks. He then flies up into the clouds as another drone fires its lasers at him. Once up to a suitable height he goes into a controlled fall, landing on the drone just hard enough to smash it without smashing himself in the process. As a third one advances on him, he circles it so fast he becomes a blur. After a few seconds he breaks the sound barrier: the robot is blasted apart by the sonic boom. Java Kid stops and catches his breath.] Java Kid [slightly fatigued]: Whew, I'm getting a little slow. I need a pick me up. [Java Kid calmly sits down at the camp fire and pours himself a cup of coffee from his thermos. As the battle rages around him, he sits and calmly sips his brew. He is soon back in action, his powers recharged by his favorite caffenated beverage.] [The Shoveler bashes one robot to pieces with his shovel, and slices another one in half. A third one tries to corner him, but he scoops it up with the shovel and tosses it into a manure pile. The thing gets up and starts to come at him again, when Sundance blasts it with his patented 7-shooter. The manure caked on the drone sprays into the air, showering the Shoveler.] Shoveler (half-sarcastic) [covered in BS]: Thank you, Sundance. Sundance [grinning]: Anytime. [blasts three other drones heading towards him.] [Four drones are cornering Furious. One blasts him. He looks down to see a hole burned into his shirt by the laser blast.] Mr. Furious: This was my favorite shirt! [angry] (darkly) This... makes... me... FURIOUS! [Gets his patented Mr. Furious look on his face, raises his fists to the sky, and lets out an enraged roar. He grabs a robot and tears it to pieces. He kicks another one into the air. It just flies up and disappears. He grabs the remaining two and smashes them together.] Mr. Furious [calming] (calming): Rage subsiding... blood pressure dropping... pulse lowering... urge to kill fading. [GB is flying up in the air, gracefully dodging the laser fire. He skims the ground and two of the drones fire at him. They miss and hit each other instead. He flies in circles around the third, and stops short. The thing's head continues to spin, unscrews itself, and falls off. GB slices the still moving body in half.] GB: These things no only look like cows, they have brains like them too. [Two drones are advancing on Francine. One scans her with a beam.] Drone 1: Scanning... Target Identified as Francine Manx. Threat Classification: Harmless. Francine (confused): Harmless? [angry] Harmless?!? Guido (watching): Uh oh! Francine (livid) [beginning her Jade Dragon move]: I'LL SHOW YOU HARMLESS!!! [Francine launches her Jade Dragon move at the two robots. They are disintegrated, and the blast carries out for a radius of about 15 feet, temporarily shorting out two other robots.] Francine (weakly): How's that for harmless? Speedy [fighting another drone]: Little bit of overkill there, huh Frannie? [backflips over the drone he is fighting, and impales it with his sword. Tosses ninja stars at a second drone, causing it to short-circuit and explode. Guts one of the drones that Fran shorted out, just before it reactivates.] See? No fuss, no muss. [Polly, who has gotten quite good with a rope, lassos a robot and swings it in the air. It comes down hard, crashing on another drone, busting both into a million pieces. A third one leaps at her, but Polly reacts quickly by tossing a Heart Bomb at it. The thing is vaporized.] Polly: Well, at least I didn't miss my workout. [Guido dispatches one with his sword, and fries the last two with the Sunspot.] Guido: Yo, did anyone order Ribs well done? [The other robot that Francine stunned returns to life, and is about to zap Guido when it's shattered by a gunshot. Larry is standing on the ranch-house porch, holding a smoking gun. Everyone stares at him stunned.] Larry [gruff]: Time to turn in. All [including Narrator]: Good night! Speedy [after Larry walks away] (slightly intimidated): Man, that guy is tough! [The gang turns in. A few yards away, Cheese is fuming.] BC: I can't believe they won so easily! [glowing slightly red] Grrr! Jerry: Calm down, Jacky! In case you forgot, we only wanted to test them! Now we know that between the cats and those Mystery Men, we need to power up Sheriff and the Deputy. [BC barely manages to calm down.] BC: You're right. We'll get word to our team tomorrow. [yawns] Right now, I think the old fat cat is right. It's time to hit the hay. [BC and Jerry get ready and settle into their sleeping bags. Next morning the crew has mounted their horses and is ready to ride out.] Larry: Everybody ready? All: Ready! Larry: Then let's move 'em out! [And so the cattle drive begins amid the Yee-has and Yah-hoos of the group. Cue the song "The Ties that Bind" by Bruce Springsteen, along with slow-motion footage of the beginning of the drive. We see several people riding, roping & rounding up strays, talking, laughing and having a good time. Even Speedy seems to be enjoying himself, although he still seems distracted at times. The song ends, and the show returns to normal speed.] Sundance: By the way, Polly, I forgot to tell you. I called home the other day and told the others you guys were here. Polly: Really? Sundance: Yeah. [smugly] Cosmo says hi. [Polly looks at Francine uneasily.] Sundance: Don't worry Polly. He wasn't upset at all. Polly: He wasn't? But I thought he said- Sundance: Eh, he says that to all the girls. [Polly looks a little annoyed.] Francine: Cheer up, Polly. Don't worry about him. [slyly] You've got Speedy all to yourself now. Polly [suddenly looking a little sad]: Yeah... Shoveler: What's wrong? You sound like you're almost disappointed. Polly: No, it's not that. It's just that he's seemed a little distracted lately. I'm a little worried about him. Francine [curious]: Does he seem downcast, do you think? Polly: Yeah, he does. Francine: The last time he was like that was just before the comet came. Polly: Huh? [Flashback to the Big Comet Caper. Polly walks up to Speedy who's sitting by himself at a table, looking downhearted.] Polly [trying to cheer him up]: Hey Speedy, why are you so serious? Aren't you excited about the comet like everybody else? Speedy [looks at Polly]: Hmph. [slight pause] I don't care about the comet. Polly: Huh? Speedy [looks down at the table] (seriously): Listen Polly, I've had a lot on my mind and there's something I'd like to talk over with you and - [Guido and Fran begin to eavesdrop] Speedy: It's very important so I hope you'll pay attention. [lifts himself up a bit higher to stare her straight in the eyes] (annoyed) And not make fun of me as usual! (calms down) Do you have any time tonight? Polly [puzzled]: Sure, Speedy, if you want... Speedy [gets up]: Fine, then I'll see you after work. I'm going for a walk, there's still some things I need to sort out. [Speedy solemnly exits the parlor. End flashback. Ripple out into a shot of Polly's face.] Polly: We never did get to talk that night. In the midst of everything that happened, we completely forgot. [looks at Francine and Shoveler] Do you think it has something to do with that? Shoveler: If it was important enough, it could. [Polly contemplates the thought in silence, looking even more depressed.] Narrator [Cut to later that day, camera on Guido and Speedy]: You know, it is just so touching the way those two care about each other. Who would've guessed it from the number of times she caved his skull with a frying pan? Guido [looking impressed]: Way to go Speedy. You rounded up your first stray! Speedy (distracted): Yeah. Guido: What gives man? You should be happy. Speedy: Sorry, Guido. Just thinking. Guido [sipping water from a sports bottle]: 'bout what? Speedy: Do you think Polly and I are meant to be together? Guido [spewing out the water in shock]: What? Speedy [gives Guido a dirty look, soaked]: Never mind. [rides further up] Guido: Hey Speedy, wait! [rides up along side of him] Sorry, I just didn't expect the question. Why are you asking me? Speedy: You're one of my best friends Guido. I appreciate and value your opinion. Guido (moved): Well, thanks Speedy. I'm flattered, but... I just don't know how to answer you. You two seem to be happy together. Speedy: We are. That's why I'm asking. I don't want to mess that up. Guido [taking another sip]: How? Speedy: By asking her to marry me. [Once again, Guido spews the water out on Speedy in shock.] Speedy [gives Guido another dirty look]: We'll talk about this later when you're not so thirsty. [rides ahead to Bowler, GB & Java Kid] Java Kid [to Bowler]: This was a great idea- Oh, Speedy! Hi, why are you so drenched? Speedy: I was having a conversation with Guido? Bowler: How did it go? Speedy: Swimmingly. Java Kid: Well, you jumped right into that one, cousin. Bowler: Shut up, Aaron. Speedy (confused): Aaron? Is that your name, Java Kid? Java Kid: Yep. Speedy: Nice name. [looks back and forth at Bowler & Java Kid] I never knew you two were cousins. GB [changing the subject]: Hey Speedy, did you here about Larry, the trailboss? Speedy: No, what? GB: Sundance was telling us about him. He served in the Army with his brother, who was a real big shot. Anyway, Sundance said that some drunken shmuck challenged him to an old-fashioned western style duel. Larry shot and killed him. [Speedy gulps and looks ill.] Java Kid: We heard he shot the guy in the neck and blew his head off his shoulders Bowler: Oh thanks, Aaron. It's always nice to have you around as an appetite suppressant. Speedy [looking very green]: That's for sure. Excuse me. [Rides his horse away from the heard and tosses his cookies in a patch of dry grass by the path.] JK: Yuck. Looks like it might have been pizza. Narrator: Someone remind me never to eat there again! Can we maybe move the story on a little further please? [Cut to dark. The gang has made camp, and has branched off into different groups. Speedy, Guido, Java Kid, Furious, and Shoveler make up one group. GB, Sundance, and Larry are in another, Big Jack, and JA are the third group, and Polly, Francine and Bowler are in the fourth. They each have their own fires going, and are chatting amicably amongst each other.] Narrator: Thank you. Speedy: So, Guido, can we talk about this for five seconds with you spitting water on me? Guido: I'm sorry about that, it was just a bit unexpected. Mr. Furious: Personally, I don't know what you see in her. Shoveler: Is that because thanks to her you had a chance to defy gravity? [He and Java Kid snicker and High-Five each other.] Mr. Furious (bitterly): Eh heh heh heh, very funny. Why don't you put that shovel to use. The cows need to be cleaned up after. Guido: Ladies, if you please. [gestures to Speedy] The man needs some guidance. Speedy: Thank you, Guido. Guido: Ok, Speedy. Start from the beginning. Speedy: Well, when I was a little kitten my dad once told me- Java Kid: I think you went back too far. Speedy: Ok, how about when the comet was about to strike Little Tokyo. Guido: That sounds good. Speedy [sighs]: There was so much more I wanted to tell her that night. I didn't just want to tell her how I felt. I wanted to ask her if I could share my life with her. Guido: I guess you were tired of holding back your feelings. You felt that way about her since you two met as kids. Speedy: How did you know that? Guido [grins]: I just read the script for the first episode. Speedy [smacks himself on the head]: Forgot we could do that. Guido: That's ok, the writer doesn't like us wasting time with behind-the-scenes jokes. Mr. Furious: Then what are you doing right now? Guido: Point taken. Speedy: When we first met, we literally ran right into each other. I remember thinking how beautiful she was. Of course, her face was quickly replaced with stars after she hit me with her frying pan. Java Kid: She had a frying pan with her? Guido: She always has one with her. Shoveler: Why, to cook? Speedy: No, for protection. [The three Mystery Men wince at the thought of a face first encounter with Polly's defense mechanism.] Speedy: Of course, as I got to know her I realized that she was just tough on the outside. Comes from being the only girl in the litter I guess. But underneath she was a really kind, loving and good-hearted person. I always had a crush on her, but it became more serious than that as we got older. [pauses] When we saw Bad Bird reunite with Carla {All You Need Is Love, not seen in the US :(} I said I wished I had someone who cared about me like she did for him. That's when I realized how I really felt about Polly. Guido: I remember that. And I thought that the only reason you got upset was because you were going to marry Vi! {Same episode. Don't ask.} But now you know she feels the same way. What's the problem? Speedy: I don't know. Things are going so perfectly now, and I keep thinking that getting married might screw everything up. Do you know what I mean? Guido [thinking]: Actually, no. To tell you the truth, I never really thought very seriously about marriage. [Speedy falls over.] Guido: You might want to talk to GB. He probably has some good advice. [Speedy gets up and is about to respond, when a maniacal laugh echoes through the night.] Speedy: What on earth is that? Java Kid: Oh, no. Can't that little idiot ever leave me alone? [A figure falls to the ground near them, as if coming down from a giant leap. He lands in a crouched position. He's shorter than Java Kid, just around Speedy's height, with bright green skin. His hair is green too, or what little hair he has left from his buzz cut. He's wearing a leather outfit similar to the one Furious has, with black shades.] Green Figure: So, how's it goin out here? Mr. Furious (annoyed): Creepy Crawler, what are you doing here? Creepy Crawler: Just checking up on my favorite teammates, letting you know I'm fine. After all, I know you guys miss me. Java Kid: Ok, now how about you go home? Creepy Crawler: Aw, come on bro! I haven't met your cool new friends yet! Speedy: Aaron, this little weirdo is your brother? Java Kid [rolling his eyes]: Unfortunately, yes. Speedy [amazed]: You must have a very interesting family. Creepy Crawler: Whoa! It's the Samurai Pizza Cats! Guido: You've heard of us? Creepy Crawler: Heard of you? I'm a huge fan! You guys inspired me to go into crime fighting. Speedy [vainly trying to be modest]: Oh, why thank you. Java Kid: Actually that's not something to be proud of. The little lunatic decided to develop his superpowers by jumping off a cliff at a park back home. Guido: What? Are you serious? Java Kid: Yeah, I had to dive off after him. How do you think I got my powers? Speedy: That was pretty stupid. Creepy Crawler: Aw, come on. It all worked out anyway. Java Kid: Ok, bro. Why don't you hop back to Champion City now? We're just about ready to go to bed. I'll bring some autographs home for you. Creepy Crawler: All right! [Leaps off into the air, and lands several kilometers away. He eventually fades into the night, the insane laughter disappearing with him.] Speedy [to Java Kid]: Like I said, you must have a very interesting family. Java Kid [rolling his eyes]: You have no idea. [Cut to the Pizza Parlor. The cats are working there. Focus on Guido. It is clear we have entered a dream sequence. Guido sits down at a table, exhausted. Suddenly, ZZ Top enters the parlor just as their song Sharp Dressed Man begins to play. Within moments, they have transformed Guido into a very "sharp dressed" cat. Guido suddenly finds himself spending a night on the town with his friends. He seems to be leading an entourage, composed of many of his friends and numerous pretty girls. At first he seems to be enjoying himself, but slowly he begins to feel more uncomfortable. Eventually, he gets to the point where he decides he needs to be alone. He breaks away from the crowd, and hides inside a darkened building. The song fades away. He soon realizes he's in the pizza parlor, and someone is with him. He can't tell whom from the shadows, but whoever it is, is a girl. The anxiety from earlier is replaced with a feeling of peace, belonging, and happiness, not only towards the parlor, but towards the girl. He strains to see who she is. Just before he is able to identify her, he hears a loud voice in his ear.] Speedy [shouting]: GUIDO! Guido [waking up]: Gah! [holds his ear] Don't do that! Speedy [getting ready for the day]: Sorry, but you were really out of it. Guido [sitting up]: Boy, I just had the strangest dream. I think I was in a ZZ Top video, and I got claustrophobic. Speedy: See, I told you that you should never eat strange catnip. Guido [shakes his head]: I wonder who the girl was... Speedy: Hey, forget about it. [sees Java Kid wander over] Hey, Aaron! How's it going? [Java Kid grunts] Speedy [puzzled]: What's with him? Shoveler [also getting ready for the day]: Don't worry. He's always like that before he has coffee. He needs it to charge his super powers. Speedy (disbelieving): His superpowers run on coffee? Shoveler: Why else would we call him the Java Kid? Java Kid [mustering up enough energy to communicate]: Hey' I'm gonna grind up a fresh pot. Who wants some? [Several hands go up. Java Kid scoops the beans in and presses the button. The grinder whirls to life with a loud grinding noise. Unfortunately, as anyone who's seen City Slickers would know, cows do not like the noise that a coffee grinder makes very much. They ride away from the camp, then turn around for some reason, and stampede back. GB manages to fly himself and Francine to safety. Guido and Speedy run for cover. Furious grabs Bowler and dives with her out of the way. Java Kid, having ingested enough coffee to use his powers, floats upwards with Polly and Shoveler. Big Jack and JA make like good cowboys, and make sure everyone gets to safety before heading for cover. Sundance and Larry shoot into the air, and the cows stop dead. The camp is now in ruins, everyone glares at Java Kid.] Bowler: I told you a thousand times, to switch to INSTANT! Larry: We're missing a few. They must have taken off. [looks menacingly at Java Kid] We'll have to go after them. Java Kid [going pale]: We? Bowler: Hey, it was your stupid machine that drove them off. It's only fair. [gets distracted] What? [opens bag and takes out the ball] Yes, Dad? Oh absolutely, I agree with you. It's about time he takes responsibility for his actions. [Speedy and the cats look at Bowler strangely.] Mr. Furious [to Speedy]: Her father's skull is in the ball. Narrator: Oh, that explains everything. Larry: Big Jack! JA! You guys take the team ahead. We'll catch up. Java Kid [relaxing a little]: Oh, ok. We. [The group manages to salvage their stuff, and gets ready to go continue on their trip.] Java Kid [ready to leave w/ Larry]: Speedy, you guys gonna be ok? I got a funny feeling about those cowboys. [Speedy looks over at Big Jack and JA.] Speedy: We'll be ok. Even if something is up with them, we can handle it. Java Kid: I hope so. Narrator: Don't get any ideas folks. The kid isn't psychic, he's just reading his lines. [Java Kid rides out with Larry. In a short while, the gang starts riding in the opposite direction. Cut to later in day. Speedy is riding with GB, Polly, Francine and Guido. They are chatting peacefully. Suddenly their conversation is interrupted by a powerful energy blast. Once again the heard is spooked and scatters.] [The blasts came from two rather large robots. They both resemble crows, in western garb. The taller robot is holding a laser cannon, which resembles a six-shooter and has a Sheriff's badge. The smaller one has a similar badge that says Deputy. Seated in the cockpits are Big Cheese and Jerry Atric, their true identities finally exposed.] Speedy: It's Cheese and Atric! Java Kid was right! Guido: Shoot! The cows are getting away. Polly [grabs Guido's collar, ballistic] (ballistic): WE'VE SUDDENLY BEEN CONFRONTED BY OUR WORST ENEMIES AND ARE ABOUT TO ENGAGE THEM IN A DANGEROUS BATTLE AND YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT COWS?!? WAKE UP YOU IDIOT! Mr. Furious [angry, to the robots] (angry): You picked the wrong day to mess with us boys. [darkly] We're on vacation. [Gets his trademarked Furious look on his face and launches himself at the Deputy. The robot gives Furious a swift kick, which knocks him back onto a cactus.] (in pain) YEEOUCH! Needles... digging into... groin...! [The Bowler removes her ball from the bag.] Bowler: Ok, dad. Don't fail me now. [Bowler swings back the ball. It makes the standard humming sound. She tosses it. It hits the Deputy square in the Jaw, knocking the robot off balance. The ball ricochets off the Deputy and dents the side of the Sheriff. The ball bounces back and forth between the two until the Sheriff hits it back towards the Bowler. Fortunately, the ball slows it's momentum just enough to keep from killing or seriously injuring her.] Big Cheese: Bwahahaha! Do you really think that overgrown baseball is gonna stop me? Shoveler: Maybe not... [tosses Shovel on the ground.] Guido [stands on the Shovel's handle]: ...But, I can! [The Shoveler jumps on the spade of the Shovel. Guido is flung up into the air and passes over the Sheriff's cockpit.] Guido [popping open the Sunspot Umbrella]: Welcome Sunspot City, Seymour! [Unleashes a fiery Sunspot blast at Cheese. Seymour is protected mostly by the shielding of the cockpit, but the hit is still painful and blinding. Cheese screams in pain. Guido lands behind the robot.] You've been fried, Cheese! [Francine tosses one of her Cash Bombs at the Deputy. The robot is protected from the electronic scrambling caused by the bomb, but it still packs enough punch to severely scorch and dent the robot.] Jerry [getting angry]: Grrr... I won't be beaten by some cashier! [presses a button.] [The Deputy fires its own six shooter laser cannon. Francine isn't able to dodge in time. At the last millisecond, Guido pushes Francine out of the way. The blast tosses both of them in the air. They land several feet away, Guido on top of Francine.] Guido [embarrassed]: Hi, Fran. Francine [tossing him off]: Get off of me you pervert! [Speedy grabs Polly and spins around, tossing her at the robots. Polly delivers a powerful kick to the sheriff that knocks him off balance.] Sundance: All right, time to wrap things up! [Cue Sundance's finishing move sequence. A red swirl of energy envelops him, similar to the pink swirl of Speedy's Cat's Eye Slash. Sundance quick-draws his gun, and fires a huge blast of energy at the Sheriff. The robot goes up in flames, as Seymour explodes in midair.] Jerry: Grrr... You'll pay for that, Pizza Cats! [Jerry is about to crush them, when a shot rings out and hits his robot.] Speedy: Whoa. Nice one, Sundance! Sundance: That wasn't me! Shoveler: What do you mean? You have the gun. Sundance: I know, but I only shot it once. Bowler: Wait a minute. Are you saying- Sundance [sighs, not really wanting to say it]: Yes. I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot the Deputy. Narrator: Ugh. Bob Marley's probably spinning in his grave over that one. Guido: But if you didn't then who- [A shadow falls over the group. They turn to see Larry and Java Kid have returned. Larry is holding a smoking gun.] Java Kid: I told you he was a good shot. [The group smiles, but then scatters as Jerry swings the robot's massive metal fist at them. It begins to charge up its laser cannon, when a maniacal laughter rings through the air.] Java Kid: Jesus Christ, not again. Bowler: Is he back already? [In a green blur, Creepy Crawler lands on the Deputy, crushing the robot flat. The robot explodes, throwing Atric into the air.] Creepy Crawler: Did I miss anyone? Mr. Furious: Congratulations, Creep. You brought down the house. Shoveler: Alex, why don't you run home now. Creepy Crawler: Aw, come on. There's just small, boring stuff going on in Champion City. This is where the real excitement is. Java Kid: Look, Alex, we can handle ourselves. Please go home. Creepy Crawler: Yeah, like you handled that robot? Java Kid [trying to save face]: Uh... I would've gotten him! Creepy Crawler: Sure. [looks at Java Kid, who is glaring at him] Ok, I'll go. [to Speedy and the others] Great seeing you again Pizza Cats! Stop by Champion City sometime, ok? Bye! [leaps off] Speedy [smiles]: Hmm. Weird Kid [eyes grow wide] Shoot! What about the cows? GB: Right here, Speedy! [Camera on GB. He's rounded up the cows that were spooked off by the battle.] While you guys were tangling with Seymour, I rescued the herd. Guido: Ha! Good for you GB. All right, let's roll out. [The gang prepares to move out. Larry looks around at the twisted heaps of flaming scrap metal.] Larry [shaking his head]: Heh. City folk. [Cut a few days later. It's in the evening. The gang is approaching the end of the drive. The ranch is just a little ways away.] Narrator: Sheesh, isn't this thing over yet? GB: Watch it, narrator. The writer is pissed off at you as it is. Speedy: So, what were you saying GB? GB: I was saying I should've asked Carla to come with us. She always loved the outdoors. Speedy: Why didn't you. GB [looks serious]: I just needed to think about some things on my own. Speedy: Like what? GB: Well, I want to ask her to marry me. Speedy: Really? Me, too! GB (confused): What? Speedy [looks confused, then laughs]: No. Not Carla, Polly! GB [relieved]: Oh. Speedy: Say, what's been holding you up? I always thought you two would've gotten married right away. GB: I wanted to. But, there are a lot of things I need to work out. Speedy: You feel bad about what you did as Bad Bird, don't you. GB: I did lots of terrible things, but the worst is what I did to her. Even if she forgives me, I don't know if I can forgive myself. Speedy: Maybe so. But I don't think either of you will forgive you if you pass up your chance with her. GB [is silent for a moment, then looks at Speedy and smiles]: You're right. I'll ask her first thing when we get home. [takes out the ring he's been saving and shows Speedy] Speedy [giving a low whistle]: Nice rock! GB: Thanks [puts it away] Ok, your turn. Why haven't you proposed? Speedy: Read the script, I don't feel like repeating the whole mess. GB: Actually, I did. I'm just wondering if that was the whole enchilada. Speedy: I don't know. You know it used to be that being a Samurai and protecting the city was the most important thing in the world to me. Now, I'm not so sure. Narrator: Oh, jeez, enough with the boring exposition. Can we just end this episode already? Speedy & GB: AW, PUT A SOCK IN IT! Guido: Look! Up ahead! [Everyone looks down into the valley. The ranch is in sight.] Larry: Let's bring 'em in! [The gang rides down into the valley, towards the ranch. They put the cows in the pen.] Speedy: Well, Guido I gotta admit. That was loads of fun. Narrator: Speak for yourself. That was one of the most boring episodes I've ever- hmm? What's this? [sounds of an envelope opening. Narrator starts reading a letter.] Dear, Narrator. The Municipal Court of Little Tokyo hereby issues a cease and desist order to you on behalf of A.R.G, writer of the New Adventures of the Samurai Pizza Cats, blah blah blah. Speedy: Sounds like they got you, narrator. Narrator: Hmph. Well. In that case maybe I just won't narrate any more of this episode. So there. Guido [ignoring the Narrator]: See, Speedy? I told you this was gonna be great. GB: Yeah, but I'm still looking forward to getting back to civilization. Polly: Speaking of which... [bolts for the ranch house] I got the shower! Sundance: What? Hey no fair! [The majority of the gang bolts for the ranch house. Just before Speedy goes, Larry clamps a hand on his shoulder.] Speedy: What is it? Larry: You and your friends are from Little Tokyo, right? Speedy: Yeah, why? Larry: Oh, I was just wondering if you could say hi to my brother for me. We haven't spoke in a while. Speedy: You're brother lives in Little Tokyo? Larry: Yep. Speedy: What's his name? Larry: He likes to be called General. General Catton. Speedy: Catton! I shoulda known. [Larry smiles] Speedy: I'll tell him. [turns and dashes towards the ranch house.] Hey, I got the shower next! [Cut to Little Tokyo. The gang is back.] GB: Hey, guys? I'll catch up with you later. [glances towards his pocket where the ring is kept] I gotta go see Carla. There's something I want to ask her. [starts to walk off, when Speedy grabs his arm.] Speedy: Hey, good luck man. [GB smiles and nods. Speedy lets go of his arm. The rest of the gang walks towards the parlor. As they pass Lucille's house, we see her working in the yard. Guido stops and walks toward her. They embrace, and Guido kisses her.] Guido: I missed you, babe. Lucille: I missed you too. [They hug and kiss again. Polly and Fran are misty eyed. Speedy rolls his eyes, and Polly smacks him upside the head.] Lucille: Hey, I want you guys to meet someone! [calls inside] Josie! My friends are back, and they're dying to meet you. [A beautiful young woman exits Lucille's house. She's about Speedy's height, and resembles Lucille, except her hair is more like Lara-Le's {from Knuckles}.] Lucille: Everyone, this is my sister Josie. She'll be staying with Wally and me for a while. Josie: A pleasure to meet all of you. Lucille's told me so much about you. Francine: Nice to meet you too. Guido (suavely) [to Lucille, but looking at Josie]: I guess awe-inspiring beauty runs in your family, Lucille. [Lucille giggles, and Josie blushes deeply.] Josie: I can see why my sister is attracted to you, Mr. Anchovy. Guido: Please, call me Guido. Josie (shyly) [blushing deeper]: Guido. Speedy: Hey, Guido. Why don't we meet you back at the parlor. [looking mischevous] You and Lucille have a lot of catching up to do, and I'm sure Josie would like to get to know you better. Guido [Oblivious to what Speedy's implying]: Great, see you guys later! [So, Speedy, Polly and Francine walk back to the parlor.] Polly: Speaking of which, Speedy, is there something you wanted to talk to me about? Speedy [slightly surprised]: Like what? Polly: I don't know. It just seemed like something's been bothering you. Speedy: I've just been trying to sort some stuff out. Nothing you need to worry about. Polly: Are you sure? Speedy: Trust me. If anything changes, you'll be the first to know. Polly [kissing Speedy on the forehead]: Thanks. That means a lot to me. [hesitates] You know, I think you grew a little. I didn't have to bend over to kiss you. Speedy [laughs]: You're not the first person to notice. [They get to the parlor. When they open the door, the crows are having a party. The Will Smith song Getting' Jiggy Wit It is playing. Francine is livid.] Francine [enraged] (enraged): GET OUT NOW! Crow 1: AH! THEY'RE BACK! RUN FOR IT! [The crows pull the plug from the stereo, quickly pack up, and leave. The parlor is a mess.] Francine [angry] (angry): Ooooooh! I'm gonna dock his pay for the next year! [Speedy and Polly look at each other and roll their eyes.] [Fade out] [Cue next episode teaser.] [Shot of Cats in Victory Poses] Speedy: On the Next... GB [Flying above them]: PIZZA CATS! [Slashes the screen diagonally. Screen falls into two pieces revealing a shot of Little Tokyo on a moonlit night.] Narrator: As the full moon rises over Little Tokyo, the Pizza Cats are called to investigate a series of strange disappearances in the city's residential area. [Shot of the Cats and GB patrolling the streets.] Speedy: All right, guys. Be ready for anything. [Out of the darkness a hoard of mindless zombies attack!] Narrator: But, our heroes get more than they bargained for when it is discovered that a mysterious plague is transforming the citizens into mindless zombies! Furthermore, the zombies are under the controll of a dangerous new villain, who has trapped the city in an eternal night and kidnapped Polly! [The zombies overpower the cats and drag Polly away. Naturally, Polly is kicking and screaming the whole time.] Narrator: Who is this mystery villain, and how has he put the entire town under his spell? Can the Pizza Cats find his hideout in time to prevent Polly from becoming his Mistress of the Night? All the answers are here in Night of the Living Pizzas Episode #5 of The New Adventures of the Samurai Pizza Cats! Guest Voice List Bowler: Janeane Garofalo Creepy Crawler: Veronica Taylor Java Kid: Will Friedle Josie Omitsu: Jackie Farrel Larry Catton: Ron Perlman Mr. Furious: Ben Stiller Shoveler: William H. Macy Copyright 1999-2000, A.R.G.