Teaser [Shot of Cats in Victory Poses] Speedy: On the Next... GB [Flying above them]: PIZZA CATS! [Slashes the screen diagonally. Screen falls into two pieces revealing a giant crow-like blimp. In the background, crows are eating in a cafeteria type room.] Narrator: In a plot so stinky even Big Cheese wouldn’t touch it, Fat Bunny has put the Ninja Crows on a diet dangerous to the health of Little Tokyo. Using his very own brand of hi-fiber birdseed, the Don has given his henchbirds a run-of-the-mill case of the runs. His plan is to mix the disgusting droppings with a mysterious solvent, which will transform it into a particularly stinky variety of cement, and then use the blimp to blanket the city. [Scene shift to the parlor.] Speedy [green]: I think I’m gonna be sick... [Shot of Cats outside the parlor, which is covered in bird poop.] Narrator: Events are complicated further when Scott, Speedy’s younger brother decides to move in with the cats. Having no battle experience, or desire for it, he stays within the parlor, only to become trapped inside by the plastering poop. [Speedy performs the Cat’s Eye Slash, blasing a hole in the side of the parlor.] Scott [staggers out, gasping for air]: Air **pant** ** Gasp** **pant** fresh, clean air! Narrator: Will the Pizza Cats save Scott and Little Tokyo from a fate worse than constipation? Will Fat Bunny succeed in incapacitating the city with an overwhelming stench? Will the Ninja Crows fighting improve thanks to them being more regular? Find out in Ninja Crows Have a Crappy Job, Episode 3 of The New Adventures of the Samurai Pizza Cats! Episode 3: Ninja Crows Have A Crappy Job Written By Guido Cerviche [The show opens with an exterior shot of the Parlor.] Narrator: A new day dawns in Little Tokyo, as our heroes prepare to open the emporium for their public. [Switch to interior shot. Our heroes are scattered around the parlor. By the doors stands a short pudgy cat in glasses who we haven’t seen before.] Speedy: Ok! The tables and counters are all clean, Francine! How’s the latest concoction of Pineapple Cream Cheese Jalapeno Poppers? Francine: Poppers are hot and ready to roll! GB: The cannon is configured- No excuses for any misfirings! Polly: Ovens are pre-heated, and the dough is rising. Guido: Pepperoni’s chopped, and all other ingredients are ready. Speedy: Great! We’re ready! Scott, man the doors! Scott: Yes sir, bro! Anything you say! Doors manned! Narrator: Wait a minute! Who on earth is that? Scott: I’m Scott Cerviche! I’m gonna be working at the parlor! Narrator: I’ve never heard of you! Where’d you come from? Speedy (exasperated): Narrator! Didn’t you get the memo? It specifically explained my brother is going to be introduced in this episode. Narrator: I guess it got lost. I never saw it. Speedy (annoyed): Well that’s great. It’s way too early in the day for a flashback. Narrator (same): We don’t seem to have a choice. We need some back-story, after all. Speedy (giving up): All right, all right. Cue the flashback. [Flashback to the previous day. The cats are getting ready to close for their mid-day break. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Guido answers it. It’s Scott.] Scott (timidly): Hi, is Speedy Cerviche here? Guido [shouting to Speedy in the kitchen]: Hey, Speedy! There’s someone here to see you! Speedy: Be there in a sec! Scott: Tell him it’s his short, stocky, geeky, younger brother. Guido [shouting]: He says he’s your short, stocky, geeky, younger brother! Speedy [sticking his head out of the kitchen]: Scott? Scott: Speedy! Speedy [coming out of the kitchen]: Scott! How ya doin bro! Scott [running up to Speedy]: Great! Speedy [gives a brotherly hug]: So, the folks finally threw you outta the house too, huh? Scott: Yep! So, might there be a job and a place to stay here for me? Speedy: Well, we’ve got a couple spare closets we could clean out for you. Scott: Cool! I’ll take one! Speedy: As for the job... Wait! I’ve got one. [Speedy takes Scott over to where the cannon is.] Speedy: Since Francine started fighting with us, we’ve needed someone else to fire the cannon. Scott: Wow, this is just like the targeting system in Z-Wing Space Fighter! Speedy: I knew you were perfect for the job! Just remember that the goal is to get us to the delivery target, without crashing us into a building or tree. Scott: You can count on me! I once got high score on this. [The day progresses. We see Scott firing the cannon several times, and each time he manages to avoid slamming the fired party into a building. Finally the end of the day comes.] Speedy: Well, Scott, we’ve cleaned out your closet. Congratulations, you’ve got the job! [Scott gives his brother a hug and the flashback ends.] Speedy: So, that’s how Scott came to join us. Narrator: So, Scott, I guess you’re going to be fighting with Speedy and the others now, huh? Scott: Me? Fight? Heheheheh! I don’t fight! I don’t even know how to handle a sword! Guido: Heads up! Scott: Huh? [Is trampled by large crowd of in-coming customers.] Speedy: Bro, you’ve gotta learn the terminology here. For instance, when you hear "heads up" or "in coming", it’s probably a good idea to get out of the way. Scott [lying on the ground, in pain]: I’ll remember that... [Cut away to the underground lair of Fat Bunny. We find ourselves in a large cafeteria type room, filled with Ninja Crows. They are all eating birdseed and drinking coffee. In the back is a large crow-shaped blimp. Two doors into the blimp are marked Men’s and Women’s. There are long lines outside both doors. Fat Bunny and Elliot Durly are surveying from the catwalk above.] Elle Durly: Man, THAT is a strange porta-potty. FB: It is not a porta-potty. It is the instrument by which we shall finally rule Little Tokyo. Elle Durly: Ok, I’ve asked before, and I’ll ask again: How? FB: Think about it. What is one of the most repulsive substances on earth, which we have access to in massive amounts? Elle Durly: N’Sync Albums? FB: Ok, maybe it’s not that bad. I was referring to the scourge of statues and shiny cars everywhere. Elle Durly: No! You don’t mean- FB: Yes! Bird droppings! [Elliot makes a disgusted face.] I am currently feeding the Ninja Crows on hi- fiber birdseed and coffee laced with laxative. That "porta-potty" is actually my newly designed Crow- Blimp, which mixes the collected waste with a special solvent that will cause it to harden like cement when exposed to air. This is why I keep the mixing compartment vacuum-sealed. Tomorrow, Roland Crow will fly the blimp over Little Tokyo and dump the mixture on the buildings of Little Tokyo. Trapped inside the smelly cocoon, the citizens will beg for me to be emperor. That is, when I tell them that only I possess the secret formula that will dissolve the stinky cement. Elle Durly: THAT is the most DISGUSTING plan I’ve ever heard! And it stinks too! FB: Not nearly as bad as it will when I’m done. Elle Durly: That’s for sure. But have you considered what to do about the Samurai Pizza Cats? Those pesky hairballs could give this plan serious constipation. FB: And I have just the thing to keep it going on a regular schedule. [Pulls a black tarp off of a large [7ft] structure.] Behold the Guardian 500! [The robot greatly resembles a cross between a Gorilla and a Terminator. It stands upright, and has carbon-fiber muscles over a titanium frame.] My own design. In addition to the artificial musculature, which makes it about 10 times stronger, it is equipped with pneumatic arms and legs. Thus, it’s got the punch of a pile driver, the speed of a cheetah, and the leap of a jackrabbit. It’s also possesses Mini-Missiles concealed in the fingers. [The robot's fingertips open up as the Mini- Missiles fire at the wall behind Durly, blowing a hole in it.] Electro-Tazer, Tranquilizer, and Hallucinogenic Darts which fire from the wrist. [The robot fires several darts from its wrist, which hit another portion of the wall.] Ruby Lasers which fire from the eyes. [The robot’s eyes glow red, and two red beams shoot out from them, striking the same part of the wall and charring it black.] And finally, my favorite, the all-new Sub-Zero System, [The robot fires a spray of ice at the wall, covering it in Ice.] which covers the target in a sheet of ice, freezing him in place. Prolonged immobilization can, of course, result in hypothermia and death. Ell Durly [gaping at the ruined wall]: Impressive. [Camera on the Ninja Crows eating in the Cafeteria.] Crow 1: What the heck do they have us eating? It tastes a little funky. Crow 2: I think its hi-fiber. Crow 1: Since when are they so concerned about our health? Crow 3 [getting up]: Whatever it is, it doesn’t stay with you for very long. Crow 2: Where are you going? Crow 3: To the restroom. Nature’s calling with a bullhorn. Crow 1 [makes a disgusted face]: Oh, thanks. I’m sure we all needed to know that. [Crow 3 runs off towards the men’s room line. In front of the restrooms, an entrepreneurial crow has set up a newsstand.] Crow 4 (shouting): Magazines! Get yer magazines, here! Crow 3 [getting up to the stand]: I’ll take a copy of Ninja National. [Hands Crow 4 the money, an takes the magazine. Leafs through it as he goes into the restroom.] Narrator [interior shot of the Pizza Parlor]: Well, while everyone is digesting that bit of info on Fat Bunny’s latest scheme, we take you back to the Pizza Cats Pizza Parlor where the cats are hard at work. Mama-San [sitting at a table]: You know, watching these Pizza Cats working so hard reminds me of the first job I ever had as a young girl. Narrator: So, what was it like building the pyramids? Mama-San (angry): Hey! Are you saying I’m old? Narrator: No, but who else knew Alexander the Great when he was mediocre? Customer 1 [at another table]: Shouldn’t we say our prayers before we eat? Customer 2: We don’t have to. These guys are GOOD cooks. Narrator: At any rate, the Pizza Cats are up to their usual tricks. One of these tricks being Guido substituting chicken fat for the vanilla pudding in Speedy’s lunch. Guido: Yeah, but the little shrimp can’t take a joke. Now he’s really getting on my nerves by talking like Jar Jar Binks! Speedy: Meesa called Jar Jar Binks! Meesa here to provide comic relief! Guido: See what I mean? Speedy: Meesa your humble servant, Guido Ankovy! Narrator: Boy that does get annoying after a while. Guido: By "after a while" do you mean 10 seconds? Narrator: Actually, I was thinking 5. Speedy: Exqueeze me, Guido! De folks at table fifteen be wanten desert. Meesa tink you better get over dere. Guido: ALL RIGHT! JUST STOP TALKING LIKE THAT! [Camera on Polly and Francine.] Polly: Have you noticed Speedy’s being acting a little strange? Francine: Not really. Polly: He’s talking real weird to Guido. [shrugs] I guess he just wants to get on his nerves. {Note: Polly does not know Speedy is talking like Jar Jar because she has not seen Phantom Menace yet. Speedy, Guido and GB went to see it one night while the girls went shopping.} Francine: Well, its like I’ve always said about you Polly. You don’t attract guys like crazy; you attract crazy guys. [Before Polly can reply, Guido comes running into the kitchen, with Speedy in hot pursuit. Guido tries to avoid Speedy, and in the process, ends up slamming into Polly. She topples over.] Speedy (concerned): Polly, are you ok? Polly (dazed): I think so... [As she climbs to her feet she recovers and grabs Guido by the front of his shirt.] (angry) Next time watch where you’re going, bub! Guido (mewing plaintively): But Polly, it was Speedy’s fault... He kept on- Polly (menacingly): Do I look like I care? You’re the one who ran into me, not Speedy. You know, people can get seriously hurt that way. People like you. [Polly puts Guido down and he stands there quivering for a moment. After a moment, he turns angrily to Speedy. Speedy pulls down his bottom eyelid and sticks his tounge out at Guido, singing "Nyah nyah na na nyah!" and runs past him. Pissed, Guido picks up the thing nearest to him, which happens to be a bowl of speghetti maranara, and tosses it at Speedy. Unfortunately his aim is just as bad as Fran’s, and the bowl lands on Polly’s head.] Polly [enraged] (screeching): THAT DOES IT! Speedy (nervous): Boy, yousa in for it now Guido! Meesa be maken you funeral arrangements. Guido [to Polly who’s stalking towards him] (terrified): WAIT, POLLY! PLEASE, LET’S TALK THIS OVER! I THINK IT’S ACTUALLY A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU! [Cut to an exterior shot of the parlor. We hear Guido scream in pain as the parlor shakes, and then see him shoot through the roof. As he grows smaller and smaller in the distance, Guido’s screams gradually fade into silence. Later that evening Speedy, Polly, GB, Francine and Scott are closing up the parlor. Speedy is giving Scott a few pointers about helping out around the restaurant. Suddenly, Guido crashes through the ceiling and lands in a pile at their feet.] Speedy [glancing down at Guido, but not even blinking]: Which brings us to tip 13, arguably the most important one yet. Scott: Which is? Speedy [w/ a completely straight face]: Don’t get Polly mad at you. Polly (annoyed): Hey! Speedy: Hey, there’s no denying it hon, you do have a temper. [turning back to Scott] Now then, will you help me get Guido into bed? Scott [propping Guido up on his shoulder.]: He gonna be ok? Speedy [same]: Oh yeah. He’ll probably be sore for a week, but he should be back to full health by tomorrow. Scott: What happened? Speedy: Well, to put it one way, he spilled some tomato sauce on her. [Scott gulps] Speedy: Like I said, don’t get her mad. Scott [nodding nervously]: Yes, yes. I see your point. Narrator [panning back from the parlor]: As the two brothers drag Guido to bed, this day draws to a close in Little Tokyo. A new day will soon dawn, and then the stinky, sinister plot of Fat Bunny Costanza shall be unfurled. [Scene shift to FB’s hideout, where Roland Crow is preparing to take the crow blimp out for its first run. FB is there giving him his final orders.] FB: What’s the matter Roland? Usually you’re more enthusiastic about my evil schemes. Roland: Begging your pardon, sir, but I can no longer contain my absolute disgust for this plan. FB: I agree it is revolting. Even Seymour wouldn’t pull it off, although I can’t tell if that’s because of his revulsion to the plan, or simply due to his bottomless stupidity. Roland: Knowing Cheese, it was probably bottomless stupidity. FB: Which is why I have taken it upon myself to implement it. The key to my success thus far, has been pulling off plans my colleagues are too stupid or compassionate to try. As for your opposition to this scheme, let me remind you that you did not receive this position because of your morals. Roland: I am aware of that. Which is why I will follow what ever orders you give. Never the less, I must object to the nature of this plot. FB: Your objection is noted. Perhaps you will change your mind though, when you see the first target I have chosen for you. [FB pushes a button on a nearby computer console. The screen shimmers on, revealing a picture of the Samurai Pizza Cats Pizzeria.] Roland [grinning evilly] (pleased): Objection withdrawn. [Scene shift back to the Pizza Parlor. Thus far, it’s business as usual. Guido has recovered and is waiting on tables. Just then the phone rings.] Scott: Hello, Samurai Pizza Cats. Bad guys busted in 30 minutes or your pizza is free! Al Dente’: Who is this? Scott: Uh, this is Scott Cerviche, Speedy’s brother? I’m handling the phone and the cannon today. Al Dente’: Oh, well, nice to meet you. I was just calling to order a large spaghetti and meatball pizza, and also to let the cats know that there’s some suspicious Ninja Crow activity in the abandoned warehouse district. Scott: Ok, I’ll let them know. Would you like a side breadsticks with your pizza? Al Dente’: Oh, yes please! Scott: All right, we’re on it boss! [Hangs up the phone.] Hey, guys! Big Al just ordered the #7 Special and said that some Ninja Crows were sighted in the warehouse district! Speedy: All right then! GB, you get that order out to Big Al, the rest come with me! Francine: I’m gonna stay here and help Scott get the hang of running this place. Scott (confused): Huh? Speedy: I guess it’s just the three of us. Guido: It’s a couple of Ninja Crows! How many of us do we need? Polly: He’s right! Let’s just quit our blabbing and get those punks! [Cue the launch sequence.] Scott [voice over the loudspeaker]: Helloooooooo, Little Tokyo! This is Scott, brother of the legendary Speedy Cerviche, about to launch him and his equally heroic teammates Polly Esther and Guido Anchovy, on a mission to crush a potentially dangerous band of Ninja Crows. As you can see I’m not much for poetic intros, so just stand back and cover your ears! [Fires the Cats] Narrator: And so with Francine staying behind to teach Scott how to manage the restaurant, and with GB delivering Big Al Dente’s pizza, the original Samurai Pizza Cats are headed to the warehouse district of Little Tokyo, with no clue whatsoever of the danger lurking ahead. Guido: Heads up guys! We’re headed for a touchdown! [The cats hit the ground hard, somersault two or three times, and land on their feet.] Polly: Gotta hand it to your brother, Speedy. He sure knows how to fire a cannon. Voice: There they are! Don’t let them get away! [The cats turn around and find themselves surrounded by about 18 Ninja Crows.] Speedy: Well, well, well! Looks like these little twits were waiting for us. Crow 1: Indeed we were. And we have a little surprise for you. Guido: We can hardly wait. Can we just get this over with? Crow 1: Not so fast! You see we’ve become tired of always getting beat up by you guys and then letting you deal with the Robo-Monster of the week. So we thought this time we’d just sit back and unleash FB’s latest creation on you first. Speedy: You guys are chickening out?! Crow 1: Actually, we’re under orders from the Kingpin himself to stay out of combat. Apparently he wants us rested and healthy for his latest scheme. [shouting] Guardian! ATTACK! [Out of the shadows steps the massive Guardian 500. It’s about twice as tall as Guido, and built like a VW Bus. The cats freeze in fear as the huge robot attacks. Cue the dramatic fight music. Its fist hits Speedy square in the chest, and Speedy flies back over 12 feet before crashing through a brick wall. The hulking robot swings at Polly and Guido, who barely dodge its massive fist. Guido flips behind it and slashes it with his sword. He barely even scratches it. The robot whirls around, grabs Guido by the neck, and throws him through a warehouse window. Polly evades its next attack and tosses a heart bomb at it. The bomb merely singes the mechanical beast. The robot fires its mini-missiles, which hit Polly dead center. She is blown back several feet and collapses in a heap. Speedy recovers and launches his Ginsu Spin. The move actually knocks the robot back a few inches, and deals it some real damage. The robot responds by firing a couple darts at Speedy. Speedy falls unconscious, as Guido and Polly recover.] Guido: This isn’t working. We need help. Polly: Speedy’s down. Is your cellular cat bell active? Guido: I don’t know. I haven’t used it in a while. I guess it’s now or never. [Guido rings his bell. Cut away to the Pizza Parlor, where Francine and Scott receive the message.] Francine: I knew it. They’ve screwed up again. Scott [swiveling around to face the console]: No sweat. I know what to do. [pushes a few buttons. Gen. Catton & Bat Cat appear on screen] Hey guys, its Scott Cerviche. My bro and his friends are in trouble. Think you can get to these coordinates, pronto? Bat Cat: No sweat Scott! Gen. Catton: We’ll get out there in a jiff! Nice meetin’ you, kid. Scott: Gee, thanks sir! Over and out! [Catton and Bat Cat blink off the console.] Francine: Wow, I’m impressed! Scott: Thanks. [A loud plop is heard and the lights flicker.] What the heck was that? Francine [pointing to the windows where a thick white mixture is running down.]: Never mind. What is that? Scott [trying to open the door.]: What ever it is, it’s gluing the door shut! Francine [looking and sounding ill]: Ugh... That smell! I think I’m gonna be sick! Scott: [Cut back to Polly and Guido. They are desperately trying to avoid the Guardian’s attacks.] Guido: I hope Francine and Scott got the message! [The Guardian activates its Sub Zero System. The icy blast catches Polly in the legs. Polly falls to the ground, screaming in pain. The Guardian prepares to finish her off, when it gets blasted by an unknown source. The source, as it turns out, is Gen. Catton who, along with Bat Cat, has just joined the party. After a few more blasts from the General’s cannons, the robot hops off to be repaired, so it may fight again later.] Crow 1: Wait! Come back here you stupid hunk of scrap! [Looks nervously towards the cats.] Uhhhh... Crows! Retreat! [The crows vanish into the shadows.] Guido: It’s a good thing you guys got here when you did. Gen. Catton [breaking the ice around Polly’s legs]: Just doin’ our job, Anchovy. [turns to Polly] You OK, little lady? Polly [decking the Gen.] (indignant): I’m fine General. And DON’T call me "Little Lady". Gen. Catton [dazed] (dazed): Whatever you say, Miss Esther. Bat Cat [kneeling beside Speedy]: Hey, Speedy! Wake up! Speedy: Uh... Where meesa at? Bat Cat (confused): Huh? Speedy: Whoa! Yousa guys bombad, get rid of nasty meckanig? Narrator: Oh, great. You know what must’ve happened? That dart that Speedy was hit with must have been hallucinogenic! He now believes he really is Jar Jar Binks! Guido (sarcastic): This day just keeps getting better and better. Come on let’s get him back to the Pizza Parlor. Speedy: Back? To Peeza Parlor you spek? Weesa get grand lunch dere, okeyday? [Eventually, the cats get back to the parlor. When they get there, they find it covered in a crusty white coating. GB and Guru Lou are standing in front, horrified.] Guido: GB! Lou! What the heck is going on? Guru Lou: You got me! I just got here a few minutes ago. I wanted to just relax with a nice big anchovies and pineapple pizza, so I came down here and found the parlor buried under this hard stinky gunk! GB: This time Fat Bunny’s gone too far. I’d know this stench anywhere. Its bird droppings! Speedy: Oh, icky goo! GB: What’s with him? Guido: It’s a long story. What do you mean, bird droppings? It would take hundreds of Ninja Crows to get enough to cover the parlor. Plus that stuff is a lot harder than dried up bird dung. Guru Lou [examining the coating {with rubber gloves of course}]: It appears that the substance was mixed with some sort of extreme hardening agent. It’s probably air activated, so the mixture won’t solidify until used. Polly: I hate to interrupt your fascinating, if disgusting discussion, but we have two friends who are trapped inside! Shouldn’t we try to get them out of there? GB: I already tried. My Thunderbird move just got absorbed, and my swords won’t cut through by themselves. Guido: Maybe the Ginzu can slice through it. It’s a lot stronger than the rest of our weapons. GB: That could work. But our resident Ginzu master seems to be a few slices shy a pepperoni, currently. Bat Cat: He got hit with some sort of hallucinogenic dart. Guru Lou: Hallucinogenic? I might have a counter-agent on hand. [fishes around in his pockets and pulls out a few test tubes] What luck! I’ll have fresh batch in no time! [mixes the contents of the test tubes. The reaction causes a small explosion in his face] Whoops! I mixed a little to fast. Have to be more careful. [He mixes in another tube, slower this time. The mixture bubbles a little more, and turns purple.] There, perfect! [Hands Speedy the test tube] Here, have some grape soda! Speedy: Ooh goodie, meesa luv grape soda! [drinks it. Starts twitching like Dr. Jekel turning into Mr. Hyde] Ack! Ooh! Eeek! YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Polly [rushes over, concerned]: Speedy! Are you ok? Speedy [dazed]: Thank you Andre`, I’ll have the Veal Picate`. [collapses, and lays on the ground for a few moments] Uhh... Huh? [shakes his head and gets up] How’d I get back here? And what happened to the parlor? Guido: Never mind that, Speedy. We need you to try something. Speedy: What? Guido: See this gunk covering the Pizza Parlor? We can’t break through it. We think only the Ginzu is that powerful. Speedy: Got it. Stand back everyone, and take cover. [The gang quickly does as Speedy says. Cue the Cat’s Eye Slash sequence.] Narrator: As Francine and Scott wait helplessly in the parlor, quickly running out of air, their only hope lies with this little cat and his awesome Magical Ginzu Sword! It slices, it dices, it makes french fries out of hamburger! Well, maybe not that last one, but it’s still a very impressive weapon! Speedy [yelling]: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, BUB! [releases the blast] HYAH! [The beam of energy slices through the air and hits the front of the parlor. The massive amount of energy proves too much for the goop to absorb and it explodes, blowing a huge hole in the parlor.] Guido [walking over to Speedy]: That isn’t exactly what we had in mind. GB [coming out from his cover]: Still, it worked even better than I thought. Speedy [surveying the damage]: Heh, heh. Oops! Scott [staggers out, gasping for air]: Air **pant** ** Gasp** **pant** fresh, clean air! Speedy: Scott, what happened? Scott: I don’t know. **gasp** One minute, Francine and I were talking to Gen. Catton and Bat Cat, the next that foul white stuff was covering the parlor. [Guido is helping Francine out of the parlor. Francine had actually passed out, and is just waking up.] Guru Lou [using his portable lab]: Whatever Fat Bunny used to harden this stuff it has a complex molecular structure. Its gonna take awhile to find a dissolving agent. GB: Time is something we don’t have. Speedy: Why didn't he just glop the parlor with us in it? Guido: Because then this episode would be significantly shorter. By the way Speedy, the writer doesn't like it when we point out glaring plot holes like that. So, unless you want your character rewritten as a potted plant, you should probably keep your mouth shut. Polly: You’ve got to wonder what kind of sick writer comes up with these plots. Scott [walking up to Guru Lou]: Wow, THE Guru Lou! Speedy told me all about you! You’re some kind of genius! Guru Lou (flattered): Aw, well, thanks kid! Scott: Hey, do you think you could use a lab assistant? I’ll work for cheap! Francine (annoyed): That’s more than he offered me. Guru Lou: Sure! Always thought it’d be nice to have an extra set of hands. Speedy (tired): Great. We’re back to Concussion Carla. GB (offended): What’s that supposed to mean? Speedy: No offense GB, Carla’s a great girl. But her aim is worse than Francine’s! Francine (yelling angrily) [head gets really big with anger]: I heard that! [Speedy cowers behind GB.] Francine (still angry): And while I’m at it, did you have to destroy half the Pizza Parlor to get us out?! Do you have any idea how much it’ll cost to fix this place? You will, because I’m taking the cost out of your paycheck! You don’t get paid one penny until the repairs are paid for! Scott [to Guido]: Jeeze, you’d think she’s show a LITTLE gratitude to him for saving her life. Guido: Actually, she is. She’s letting him keep his tips, at least. Narrator [switch to interior parlor shot]: Later, inside the parlor. GB: Ok, then it’s settled. We’ll sneak into Fat Bunny’s lair and sabotage whatever he used to goop the parlor. Speedy: Sounds like a plan, but how are we going to get in without them noticing us. Guru Lou: Well, it just so happens that Scott and I were working on some foolproof disguises for you guys. Behold! [Brings out some cardboard wings and plastic beaks with elastic bands.] Polly (sarcastic): Oh yeah, this will work. Guru Lou: Well, of course this is only part of the disguise. You’ll also need Ninja Crow uniforms, which we were able to replicate with GB’s help. Observe the complete ensemble. [Scott walks out into the restaurant area. Although a bit odd looking, he appears in every way to be a Ninja Crow.] Scott: Well, what do you think. Guido: Hey, not bad! Francine: What about GB? I mean, obviously he doesn’t need to disguise himself as a crow, but won’t they recognize him? Speedy: Hey, where is GB? GB: Right here! [Everyone turns to face GB. While everyone else was distracted, he wandered off and changed into a normal Ninja Crow outfit. He is now indistinguishable from a typical Ninja Crow, except for being a little bit bigger.] Polly: Wow. Maybe we can pull this off. GB: Everyone get changed. We got some sabotaging to do. [As the others go off to get changed, Guru Lou calls Francine over to him] Francine: What is it, Lou? Guru Lou: Well, I noticed that you seem to be short equipment, so I made you up these. [Hands her what look like several green, plastic, two inch dollar signs.] Francine (confused): What are these? Guru Lou: They’re called Cash Bombs. They’re very similar to Polly’s Heart Bombs, but they also emit an Electronic Disruption Wave Francine: What’ll that do? Guru Lou: It basically causes mechanical devices to malfunction. For example, any ATM’s in the vicinity will start spitting out cash. Francine: Neat. But what about the cybernetic systems in our armor? Guru Lou: Don’t worry. They’re outfitted with protection against EDWs. [Taking the Cash Bombs, Francine hurries off to get changed.] Narrator [Scene shift to FB’s Lair. Focus in on an unusual group of crows]: Later, after infiltrating FB’s secret underground hideaway, the Pizza Cats prepare to flush this evil plan down the toilet. Which, if you ask me is exactly what the writer should have done with this episode. Speedy: **Yawn** I think the drugs on that dart are still effecting me a little bit. Hold on sec guys, I wanna get some coffee. GB: Be careful, Speedy. Speedy [gets a cup of coffee and begins adding cream and sugar]: Don’t worry. These disguises are working great. [As if to illustrate the point, the camera pans over to a group of crows who are watching our heroes.] Crow 1: Does anyone know who those guys are? I haven’t seen them before. Crow 2: Must be the new recruits Cheese and Atrick sent over. They’re always sending new guys to replace the ones the Pizza Cats send to jail. Crow 1: Yeah, that’s true. [pauses] Do they seem a little odd to you? Crow 2 [shrugs]: Maybe a little. Odd is a reletive term around here. Crow 1: Yeah, I guess. [gets an odd look on his face] I’ll be right back, I’m headed to the john. Crow 2: Again? Crow 1 [annoyed]: Yes, again. I think they’re putting something in our food. Crow 2: Don’t be rediculous. Why would they want to put something in our food? [The first crow shruggs and leaves. Focus back on the cats. Speedy finishes mixing his coffee and takes a drink] Speedy [makes a face]: Ugh. Tastes strange. Guido: Strange how? Speedy: The cream tastes chalky. I’m feelin’ better though. GB: That’s good. That means it’s probably not poisoned. Come on, we gotta get this over with. [The cats walk away. Out of their sight, the label on the cream carton falls off, revealing it to be Ex-Lax.] Polly [as they start walking]: Yeah, the sooner we get out of here the better. Guido: Tell me about it. This whole sabotage thing isn’t exactly my style. Speedy: You just don’t have any experience with stealthy missions Guido. They’re much easier than you’d think. Francine [pointing]: Hey guys! I’ve found something! [The gang looks where Francine is pointing. Right there, towering in front of them is the Crow Blimp, with the restroom signs and all.] Guido: Strange porta-potty. GB: Looks like you found it, Frannie. Speedy [bolting for the Men’s Room]: And not a moment too soon! That coffee doesn’t stay with you long. Polly [rolls her eyes]: I told him he should’ve gone before we left. Francine: So, how we gonna stop this thing? Polly: That nozzle underneath is where the glop comes out. We need to plug it somehow. GB [getting stuff out of his backpack.]: Always come prepared. That’s the Ninja Crow motto. Guido: I thought it was the boy scouts'? GB: It was ours first. [scrounges in his pack some more, and takes out a bottle of blue fluid and a putty- like substance]: Here we are. Guru Lou gave me this before we left. We just mix the liquid in the putty, fit it in the nozzle, and wait five seconds. Polly: Ok, I’ll do it. [She puts a few drops out liquid on the putty, waits for it to soak in, and starts kneading.] Just like kneading pizza dough. [Eventually, the putty turns completely blue. Polly stuffs it in the nozzle, and waits five seconds. The putty expands to clog up the entire nozzle, and hardens.] GB: Ok, we’re done. Let’s get out of here. Guido [pokes his head in the men’s room]: Hey, Speedy! Hurry up, we’re leaving. Speedy [voice from one of the stalls]: Uh... just a minute! [Guido comes away looking exasperated. Inside a crow comes out of a stall and washes his hands. Speedy exits the stall a few seconds later, but has not yet put his Ninja Crow outfit back on!] Crow [staring at Speedy]: Hey, how you doin- Wha? Oh NO! [Running out of the bathroom] THEY’RE HERE! THE PIZZA CATS ARE HERE! Speedy [running out to his teammates]: Guys! We have a situation here! Polly [getting angry]: You can say that again! Speedy: Guys! We have a situation- [is silenced by Polly’s incoming fist] Francine: What were you doing with your disguise off anyway? Speedy: Hey, I doubt you’ve ever been in a Men’s Room, Francine. I didn’t want to get it dirty! GB: Head’s up! Incoming! [The cats all leap off and hide. The group of Ninja Crows reaches the place they were.] Crow 1: Hey! Where’d they go? GB [voice surrounding the crows]: Oh, we’re still here birdbrain! Crow 1: Ack! They’ve got us surrounded! Speedy: That’s right! [stops suddenly, getting an odd look on his face. He then turns sheepishly to the others.] Hey guys, can we maybe skip the cheap theatrical intros this time? I wanna get this fight over with, cause I have to go to the bathroom again. Others [groaning]: Sure, Speedy. [With that the cats leap out at the crows and begin the fight. Speedy launches with newly patented Ginsu Spin, becoming a whirlwind of carnage that incapacitates three crows. Polly drop kicks two ninja crows, and takes out a third with her arm-mounted Cupid’s Crossbow. Guido fries two crows with his Sunspot Umbrella, and then pops out the hidden sword and duels with another. He successfully parries each of the crow’s blows, before disarming him and bashing him with the umbrella’s hilt, knocking him out. GB and Francine double-team the last three crows, banging their heads together and knocking them out.] GB: That was easy. Guido: Yeah... A little too easy. FB [From the catwalk]: Then perhaps you would like to try something a bit more challenging, hmm? Guardian, ATTACK! [Out of the darkness, the Guardian robot walks. It’s been repaired since the encounter with Catton, and looks bigger and badder than ever. The cats gulp.] GB [nevous]: THIS is what you guys were fighting? [Speedy is too frightened to respond. The cats scatter as the robot beast swings at them. GB tosses some exploding Ninja Stars at it, which barely even singe it. Our heroes dart around, nimbly avoiding the monster’s blows. GB stumbles, and is knocked cold by the massive pile-driver fist. Guido launches himself at the Robot to deliver a mighty blow- and gets tangled in a net thrown by FB. Two cables snake out from the robot’s back an wrap themselves around Guido, sending a few thousand volts through him. Polly attacks the robot from behind, trying to sever the wires at the base of its neck. The robot fires a couple of Tranquilizer Darts at her. Although not strong enough to put her to sleep, she slows down enough for the robot to activate its Sub Zero system again. This time, the blast hits her dead on, freezing her in her tracks.] Francine: [Francine takes out one of her Cash Bombs and levels it at the robot. Though the bomb does little more than singe it, the resulting EDW shorts out the robot’s systems, temporarily immobilizing it.] Speedy! Cat’s-Eye it! Speedy: I need some extra firepower, it’s too resistant to energy attacks. Wake everybody up! [Speedy breaks Polly out of her ice prison, while Francine wakes up Guido and GB. Cue everyone’s finishing moves. Francine crosses her arm swords, and they glow with a emerald green energy.] Narrator: Words cannot describe the awesome display of power you are about to witness. No man-made mechanical monster ever created or scheduled to be created in the near future will be able to survive this! Francine: JADE DRAGONFIRE [throws her arms back, releases move] AWAY! [The energy is released in the form of a winged, serpent-like dragon. As it reaches the robot, it swipes its claws at it and explodes.] GB: THUNDERBIRD [releases move] GO! Guido: AZURE FLAME [releases move] ATTACK! {Jonas- If you’re reading this, I hope you don’t mind if I use this name for Guido’s move. I just couldn’t think of an original one.} Polly: GET READY FOR A [releases move] HEARTBREAKER! Narrator: And now of course, for the finishing touch add a dash of the Cerviche Cat’s Eye Slash for flavoring, and you’ve got yourself a good old-fashioned plate of pain served Pizza Cat style, with a side of canned whoop-butt. Speedy: YOUSA GO BOOM NOW, MEKANIG! [releases move] HYAH! [The robot disintegrates in the resulting blast. When the smoke and dust clears.] Guido [looking at Speedy strangely] (annoyed disbelief): Yousa go boom? Speedy: Sorry. I think I had a relapse. [pauses for a moment] Hey guys, can we do the pose and get out of here? [twirls his swords] I STILL gotta go to the bathroom! All: Ta DA! [Scene shift to the cats walking away from the warehouse.] Polly: By the way, what was that stuff we plugged the blimp with? GB: I don’t know. Guru Lou just said it was timed. Polly: Timed to do what? [A loud, wet explosion is heard from the direction of the Warehouse.] Polly: Oh. Yuck. Speedy: I’ll say. Guido: That’s gonna be a real pain to clean up. Narrator: Back at Fat Bunny’s plush pagoda. FB [on phone with BC]: I understand you’re upset Cheese, but try to have some sympathy. We barely escaped with our lives! Elliot is in the hospital; the stench sent him into shock! BC (angry): What is wrong with you? Why can’t you guys get rid of a few mangy alley cats? FB: Actually, as I recall, you didn’t do all that much against them either- BC (enraged): AAUURRGGHH!!!!! [BC explodes so powerfully that the blast comes through the phone and scorches FB. We hear Jerry, faintly, on the other end of the phone. Cheese hands the phone to him.] Jerry: Hello, FB. You still there? FB: Yeah. Jerry: Good. Listen, try not to remind Cheese of what a failure he is. He’s very sensitive about that subject. BC: AAUURRGGHH! [explodes again] Jerry (in great pain): You see what I mean? FB (same): Yes. I’ll keep that in mind. [falls over] [Scene shift back to the Pizza Parlor {free of goop, but still has a huge hole in the side.} Polly, Francine, and GB are working hard as usual. Guido is pounding on the bathroom door.] Guido: Hey Speedy, what are ya doing in there? Get out and give someone else a chance! Speedy: Just a minute! [A flushing sound is heard, and Speedy emerges. Guido is about to go in, but Polly rushes in a head of him.] Guido: What the-?!? Polly: Sorry, Guido. Women and children first! Guido (annoyed): Grrr. That’s it, I’m headed for the public restrooms. GB [as Guido walks into the public restroom]: No, Guido! Don’t do it, you’re a young man! Scott [sitting at a table w/ Guru Lou, talking to Speedy who’s taking their order]: Is it always like this? Speedy: Yep, pretty much. Scott: Thank goodness I’m out. Guru Lou: Well, don’t get too exited about working with me. We’re just supporting characters. We’re at the top of the list if they decide to kill anyone off. Speedy: Relax. They’re not gonna kill anyone off until the movie. [changing the subject] So you guys want a large Angel Hair Alfredo Pizza w/ pepperoni & green peas? Guru Lou: And a diet coke for me, and a side of breadsticks. Scott, you want something to drink? Scott: Yeah, I’ll have a Cherry Coke & coffee ice cream float. Speedy: Coming right up! Narrator: And so ends another adventure of the Samurai Pizza Cats. Let’s hope we never have to do a show that disgusting ever again! [Fade out.] [Cue next episode Teaser.] [Shot of Cats in Victory Poses] Speedy: On the Next... GB [Flying above them]: PIZZA CATS! [Slashes the screen diagonally. Screen falls into two pieces revealing a shot of the cats sitting around the parlor, looking board.] Narrator: Becoming board with the relative routineness of their lives, the Pizza Cats decide to take a vacation. Polly: I agree we need a vacation, but where? Guido: Hey, I got a great idea! Narrator: Following Guido’s suggestion our heroes fly out to New Mexico to go on an old fashion cattle drive. [Shot of the cats at the ranch] Once there, they are delighted to meet up with an old friend: Sundance of the New York City Pizza Cats! Speedy [pleasantly surprised]: What are you doing here? Sundance: What, are you kidding? This is one of my favorite vacation spots! Narrator: The cats also make several new friends as they meet this episode’s celebrity guest stars, the Mystery Men! Shoveler [shaking hands w/ Speedy]: Let me introduce myself. I’m the Shoveler. These are my teammates Mr. Furious, the Bowler, and, our newest member, Java Kid. {Note: Java Kid is not an official Mystery Men Character} Narrator: But fate has no intention of letting any of these heroes rest as two familiar faces show up for the cattle drive. [Shot of two cowboys. One appears to be a rat with a fox’s tail and the other is an elderly crow.] What sort of evil plan have Big Cheese and Jerry Atric come up with? Will these ten brave heroes finish the cattle drive? Will Speedy learn the secret of life, marry Polly and give up being a samurai? What’ll happen to Java Kid if he doesn’t get his coffee? Will the Shoveler be reduced to cleaning up cowpies? Find out the answers to these and other pointless questions in Kitty Slickers, Episode #4 of The New Adventures of the Samurai Pizza Cats! Copyright 1999, ARG