The New Adventures Of the Samurai Pizza Cats Teaser [Shot of Cats in Victory Poses] Speedy: On the Next... GB [Flying above them]: PIZZA CATS! [Slashes the screen diagonally. Screen falls into two pieces revealing a bird's eye view of Little Tokyo, rebuilding itself.] Narrator: As the town of Little Tokyo struggles to rebuild itself, big changes are occurring for the Pizza Cats. [Shot of Speedy and Polly sitting hand-in-hand on the parlor roof.] Speedy and Polly are now a couple, [shot of Guido putting his arms around Lucille while the wait in line at the movies.] and Guido and Lucille are going steady. [Shot of cats, relaxing in the parlor] And it finally seems that our heroes have some well-deserved time off. How wrong they are. Speedy (surprised & upset): WHAT! YOU'RE KIDDING!!! Narrator: 'Fraid not. [Shot of BC and Jerry Atric on a raft] The exile of the Big Cheese and Jerry Atric has left an important slot empty: The Villain. [Shot of a mysterious shadow] Thus a new evil force steps out of the shadows to fill this roll. This person will unleash a new reign of terror on the recuperating city, the likes of which it has never seen before. Shadow: You got that right! Narrator [shot of GB fighting]: Will the newly reformed GB put aside his long-standing rivalry with the Pizza Cats to fight along side them? [shot of shadow] Will the mystery villain accomplish what Cheese could not, and conquer the fragile town? [Shot of Cats fighting] Will I ever be able to stop asking these dumb questions? The answer to the first two questions is in The Battle Continues: Part One the first episode of The New Adventures of the Samurai Pizza Cats. The answer to the last question is, unfortunately, NO! The New Adventures Of the Samurai Pizza Cats Episode 1: The Battle Continues... Written By Guido Cerviche [The episode opens with end of the Big Comet Caper, beginning with the scenes of Little Tokyo rebuilding itself. From there it progresses through the last few minutes of the show. It finally winds down to the last scene with Big Cheese and Jerry Atric.] Big Cheese (excitedly, to an invisible audience): Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming here! Everything's gonna be just fabulous! I only wish I hadn't left all my kimonos behind. But there's a world of them! Jerry: [on his knees] (annoyed) Quiet. I'm sipping tea. Big Cheese {referred to as BC} (surprised): Oh! You fooled me! You said we were riding in a parade! Jerry: I told you we would be riding on a float Cheesy. [BC's eyes start to glow red.] Jerry: I wouldn't blow up right now, Seymour. This raft is a bit unstable. [Slowly, BC's eyes dull back to normal] BC (depressed): I can't believe it's come to this. Not only have I failed to take over the town, I couldn't even get rid of a few mangy house cats. Jerry: Now, now, Cheese. Don't take it so hard. You'll get the upper hand on those cats eventually. BC (fully distraught) [crying]: How? Look at us! We're floating on a raft out in the middle of the... the... I don't even know which ocean this is! Jerry: Don't worry, Seymour. I'm here for you. I even have a plan that's sure to cheer you up! BC (hopeful) [sniffling]: You do? Jerry (consoling): Of course. You just relax and let me explain. Here's the plan: We head to Los Angeles, and get into Hollywood. I figure that with our experience building giant robots, we can make it big in the Special Effects industry. Then once we've gotten rich off of big budget movies, we make our way back to Little Tokyo, and we'll practically have it in our grasp! BC (thinking): Hmmm. It's a good idea Jerry, but there's just one thing. When we get back, those Pizza Cats will still be there, ready and waiting for us. Jerry: I've thought about that too! You see the Pizza Cats will have been out of practice by then, having had no one to fight. We will easily be able to crush them when we get back. BC (bitterly) I think you're giving too little credit to the Pizza Cats. You oughta know by now that a Pizza Cat is like a fine cheese; it keeps getting better with age. Jerry: A very good point, but even cheese can get too old, Che- uh, Seymour. BC [gives Jerry a dirty look]: Hmph. None-the-less, I would feel better if I knew someone was back in Little Tokyo keeping our seat warm, so to speak. Jerry [rolling his eyes] (giving in): Well, if you insist. Do you have someone in mind? BC [an evil grin spreading on his face]: As a matter of fact I do. (BC leans over and whispers something in Jerry's ear.) Jerry [eyes grow wide]: That's horrible! [An evil grin spreads] I love it! [With that, the two villains cackle maniacally, as Seymour pulls out his cell phone, to call their replacement.] {Ok, that's the prelude, such as it is. It's now about a couple of days later, and things are about to happen. Hold on folks!} [Scene shifts to the parlor. Francine and GB are frantic, trying to deal with the hungry customers.] Francine (stressed): GB! Deliver this pizza to Guru Lou, right now! GB (exhausted): Coming Frannie! [GB leaves and Francine continues to work until the bell rings for break. As the customers leave, she sits down at the counter and pours herself an iced tea. Suddenly we hear a door opening, and the camera shifts to the door. In staggers Guido Anchovy, hot, sweaty, and out of breath.] Guido [gasping for breath]: Hey **pant** Francine. **gasp** Back from the **wheeze** delivery. **gasp** Is it **pant** break time yet? Francine [concerned] (concerned): Oh, Guido! [rushes over to him] Are you ok? Guido [breathing deeply]: Yeah... Just a little overworked, I guess... [Guido and Francine walk back to the counter] Francine (comforting): I'm sorry. It's just that since Speedy and Polly didn't make it back from their date last night, we're extremely understaffed. Guido [Finally catching his breath]: Yeah, well the weather was pretty miserable last night. News guy said the comet altered the weather patterns. {No idea if this is meteorologically accurate. It's just a minor plot device to get Speedy and Polly out of the way for a little bit.} We'll probably get weird weather for a few weeks. [pauses] Hey where's GB? Francine: Still out on delivery. Guru Lou lives a long way away. GB should be awhile, even if he can fly on his own! Guido [slight chuckle]: Yeah that's true. <...thinking...> Francine: Tell you what. You can take a break, if you help me tidy up for the lunchtime rush. Guido: Deal [The two cats get up and begin to clean up the restaurant. Guido pauses for as second, and gazes at Francine.] Guido: [The camera shifts to Guido's view. Francine has a slight glow around her, and is moving gracefully around the parlor. She then turns towards Guido- and looks very angry.] Francine [Angry] (Angry): What are you doing?!? I told you to help me clean up! Guido [startled] (startled): Yahhh! (trying to save face) Uh... just... thinking about how we should redecorate! You know, I hear Catton has a few new designs. {Catton is a part-time interior decorator, as mentioned in Kandid Kitties} [Fran says nothing, but just give Guido a glaring look. Guido turns away, grabs a mop and starts mopping] Gudio [pained]: [Thoughtfully] Francine [confused]: [almost disappointed] [Thoughtfully] [The scene shifts to the dark and dreary Prisoners Island. The camera pans around the island and we eventually get to see I. Beam's Tropical Resort. {remember The Terror of Prisoners Island? :) } As the camera zooms in on the Beachside retreat we see hoards of Ninja Crows enjoying the various activities, such as volleyball, swimming, relaxing, getting massages, chick cruising, and burying sleeping and unsuspecting Ninja Crows in the sand. Scene shift to a single Ninja Crow relaxing in a hammock with a tropical drink.] Crow: Ahhhh. This is sweet! I should've turned my self in a long time ago! [A 2nd Crow walks towards the 1st Crow, holding a cellphone. He's trying in vain to suppress a chuckle.] 2nd Crow (loudly, suppressing a laugh): Hey, Roland! Call for you. It's [snicker] an old friend. [Roland takes the phone from the 2nd Crow. 2nd Crow runs off towards the volleyball net] Roland (cheerfully): Aloha! [Suddenly, the grin on Roland's face grows even wider] Roland (smugly) : Is that so? Well just hold on a second Cheesy! [Roland gets up, holds up the cell phone, and shouts to every Ninja Crow on Prisoner's Island.] Roland (shouting): HEY EVERYBODY! GUESS WHAT? CHEESE IS ON THE PHONE! HE WANTS US TO GO WORK FOR THIS FRIEND OF HIS! [The Crows answer with howls of laughter.] Roland (smugly): Well, Well, Well! Look who's outta luck! Sorry Cheese! Maybe next time! [Roland snickers has he hangs up. Scene shift back to the raft. BC is glowing bright red, and Jerry is looking nervous.] Jerry (nervously): Uh, Cheese? Remember what I said about blowing up on the raft? BC (furious): I can't help it! I'm so angry! Jerry: Well at least get off the raft, [pushes BC off the raft] so it doesn't go up with you! [BC falls into the water and explodes. Jerry Atric just barely manages to avoid the giant wave that results.] BC (panicked): NOW-WHY-DID-YOU-HAVE-TO-DO-THAT-I-CAN'T-SWIM! [Jerry, very calmly, helps Seymour back into the boat.] Jerry (matter-of-factly) I think maybe you should have been nicer to my Ninja Crows, while they worked for you. (quickly) But don't worry, I have an idea! BC (Meekly): Please tell me while I dry off. [The scene shifts back to the parlor interior, as Speedy Cerviche and Polly Esther enter , arm in arm.] Guido (mock anger): There you guys are! Where have you been? Do you have any idea how hard you've made things for GB and me by not being here? Speedy (sarcastically): Nice to see you too, Anchovy. Francine: Were you ok? The weather was kind of bad last night, and we were a little worried. Polly (indignant): Fran! We've survived Ninja Crows, robots, a comet, and pretty much everything else Big Cheese threw at us. And you were worried about how we would handle a little bad weather? Guido: A LITTLE? That wind was so powerful it blew one of Lucille's missiles off course! Speedy: What does she have to blow her top about? Last I looked, you two were going steady. I mean, she's got the heartthrob of every girl in Little Tokyo, and in a stable relationship! [...thinking...] Unless she was upset 'cause she's stuck with you... Guido (sarcastically): Sure, Speedy. She'd much rather have a gargoyle like you. Speedy (mock anger): Me? A Gargoyle? Obviously someone hasn't looked in the mirror lately. Guido (laughing): Why you hairy little... [Guido pounces on Speedy and the two of them wrestle. Meanwhile Polly and Francine are giggling to themselves at the display] Polly (happy): It's so nice to see the boys getting along. Francine (same): Yeah. If the town wasn't still being repaired you'd never know we were nearly hit by a comet! [Polly nods and looks at her watch. Suddenly her eyes grow wide.] Polly (sweetly): Oh boys! [They continue to fight.] (normally, with a trace of irritation) Boys? [Still fighting] (Ticked Off) Darn! Hold on a minute. [Polly walks off screen and comes back with a frying pan. With one big swing she clobbers both Speedy and Guido.] Polly (sweetly): Sorry to interrupt you two, but the lunch crowd will be here any minute, so would you please help us get ready? Speedy [sprawled on top of Guido, dazed] (wearily): Some things never change... Guido [dazed] (wearily): Yes, it's true. Could you get your foot outta my crotch, Speedy? [The boys spring up, and begin to help the girls clean up. As the cats continue to chat and work the scene shifts to BC and Jerry's raft. Though it is late in the afternoon the dreadful duo are sound asleep. {Our villains have just crossed a number of timezones thanks to the current, and are suffering from major jetlag- or is it raftlag?} Suddenly, the raft is jarred violently as it runs ashore at the California Coast.] BC [half asleep] (confused): Wha- No mom! Don't make me wear that suit! I like the kimonos... [fully awake] (excited) Oh! Jerry! We're here! Jerry [half asleep] (confused): Seymour, I didn't know you cared- [fully awake] What? We're here? [excited] (excited) WE'RE HERE! OH, THANK BADNESS!! [Jerry leaps off the raft, and starts kissing the sand. Suddenly he makes a face and spits out some sand.] Jerry [disgusted]: Yuck! **ptuie** Pollution. They have to clean up their ocean. BC: Are you kidding? That's part of the charm! This place is so vile, corrupt, and dirty. We'll thrive here! Jerry: You sure have a way with words your Cheeseness. I never heard Hollywood described so eloquently. BC: Well, Jerry, perhaps it's time to implement your plan to win over the crows. Jerry: Excellent. We'll need a little money, but I know just where to get it. We'll just start our own TV talk show! BC: Isn't that kinda difficult? Jerry (supportive): Are you kidding? Seymour you have more sleaze than Geraldo and Jerry Springer combined! BC [chuckling]: Well, when you put it that way. [The two villains make their way towards the big city. The scene shifts to the royal palace where Big Al Dente` is discussing with the Royal Family the need for a new Prime Minister.] Al Dente`: I understand your reluctance in this pursuit your majesty, but the fact is that unless a new Prime Minister is appointed, and soon, the social infrastructure will be damaged beyond repair. We may even end up with a revolt on our hands. Fredia: But, Al we have plenty of capable rulers here! We don't need to look for outside help! Vi: Yeah! Why can't you or Mom handle the Prime Minister's duties? Al Dente`: I'm flattered by your confidence in me Princess, but I don't really have the know-how. And, no offense your highness, but your mother has been away from the city far to long. She wouldn't know what needs to be done. Vi: Well, what about daddy then? Fred: Fa-red! Vi [sad] (sadly): Ok. Dumb question. Fredia: [...thinking...] I guese we don't really have a choice. Fred: Shoo-be-doobop-shoo-bang! Al Dente`: Well said, sire! Ok, I'll post a notice around the town tomorrow. Vi: Very well. Since that's been taken care of, let's go out for pizza! [Scene shifts back to the Pizza Parlor. Guido and Speedy are wiping down the counter and tables, while Polly and Fran are baking the pizzas.] Guido [mischievous look on face] (smug): So, Speedy... what happened? Speedy [confused] (confused): What do you mean? Guido [still mischievous] (smug): I mean you two didn't come back last night, so... what did you do? Speedy: We rented a hotel room across town and- [realizes where Guido is headed] Hey! What are you implying?!? Guido [pretend surprise] (innocently): What? Nothing! Nothing at all! [Speedy just looks at Guido, annoyed. Suddenly GB comes crashing through the doors.] GB [to Speedy] (Angry): Cerviche! I got a bone to pick with [suddenly the energy leaves him and he collapses on the floor] (exhausted) you... [falls unconscience] Speedy: What's his problem? Francine (shouting from the kitchen) He just made a delivery to Guru Lou! That's bound to tire anyone out. Speedy: Poor guy. Come on Guido, let's wake him up. [The cats walk over to GB and prop him up at the counter. Speedy brings him a Jolt soda and forces a little down his mouth. GB's eyes go wide and he spits out the soda.] GB (revolted): Yuck! What a nasty flavor! Speedy [to Guido, holding the bottle of Jolt, like in a commercial]: Works every time! [Polly during the commotion snuck over to the window. She peeks outside and her eyes grow wide.] Polly (fearful): 'Scuze me. Hate to break up the party, but [shouting very loud, very insistent] THEY'RE HERE! LUNCH CUSTOMERS AT TWELVE O'CLOCK! Speedy, Guido, and GB (panicking): YAAAAAHHHHH!!! [There is a great deal of panic as the cats and GB struggle to finish cleaning Finally Speedy is ordered to open the doors.] Speedy [ticked off]: [opens the doors, puts one a cheerful face] (friendly) Welcome to Samurai Pizza- [he never gets to finish as he's trampled by the on coming crowd. As the last customer comes in, Speedy rises from the floor, very dazed.] (wearily) Thank you, and come again... [he falls to the floor unconscience] [The scene shifts to Jerry Atric who is currently on the phone with the self proclaimed spokesbird for the Ninja Crows, Roland Crow.] Roland (intrigued): So, whatcha saying Mr. Atric, is that if we go work for this new villain, whose headed for Little Tokyo as we speak, we get a salary of 50,000, health benefits, and a life-time supply of free high quality birdseed? Jerry: That's right Roland. Roland: Well, if you throw in free wing insurance, and a couple weeks of vacation time, we got a deal. Jerry (pleading): Roland, you're killing me. Roland: Your choice, but- Jerry: Okay, Okay. You got it. Roland: Excellent! [Jerry hangs up the phone, and rejoins BC in the waiting room.] Jerry: Good News! They've accepted our offer! BC: I just hope you know what you're doing. We don't even have the money yet! Jerry: Just relax! Be your usual slimy, repulsive self when you get in there and you'll become a talkshow host quicker than a Pizza Cat delivery! BC: And what about the Special Effects job? Jerry: There are no big budget movies coming out yet. Just wait until summertime, when the next Will Smith movie comes out. Then we'll talk special effects. [Just then the door opens and a secretary sticks her head out.] Secretary: Mr. Plotz will see you now. [The unlikely pair enter the office. Scene shift back to the Pizza Parlor. The cats are getting ready to close up for the night.] Polly [to the leaving customers] (sweetly): Thank you for dining at Samurai Pizza Cats! We hope to see you again. [slams door after the last customer leaves.] (relieved) Well, thank goodness that's over with! Speedy (exhausted): Yeah, tell me about it. That's the last time I wait on the Royal Family. GB: I don't think you have much of a choice. You know how particular Vi is about her waiter. Guido: And her deliveryman. Francine: And her bodyguard. Speedy (very annoyed): I KNOW! (normally) I just can't stand what a spoiled brat she is. Not to mention her crackpot mother. And don't get me started on the emperor. [Speedy and GB, imitating Fred] FA-RED! FA-RED! SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOO-WOPBOP! [Guido and Francine are rolling on the ground laughing, Polly walks over to Speedy. She's trying to look sympathetic, but you can see she's holding in a giggle.] Polly [smiling coyly]: Cheer up, Tiger. (seductively) I know how to make it up to you. [Speedy looks up as Polly gives him a peck on the lips. His pupils are replaced w/ hearts, and his tongue hangs out of his mouth. Just then, GB walks up to the loving couple.] GB: Hate to break you two lovebirds up, but it's about time for me to get back to my little dove. Speedy (trying to save face): Ah- eh- oh- (finally recovering) uh- ok, GB. We'll take it from here. GB (slyly): I'm sure you will. (whispering to Speedy) You wild Tom cat, you. [Speedy's opens his mouth and raises a finger in the air to protest, but GB is already gone. Meanwhile, Guido and Francine have just recovered from their laughing fit.] Guido [wiping away a tear of laughter]: Oh my god, Speedy. You and GB do a great Emperor Fred! Francine [still giggling a little bit]: Maybe it's because they're all insane! Speedy (pointedly): Don't you two have dates, tonight? Guido [gasps and looks at his watch]: D'oh! LUCILLE! Francine [same]: Oh shoot! BUCKY!! Francine & Guido [panicked] (panicked): HANG ON! I'M COMING! [The frantic cats dash all around the parlor, gathering their stuff. Eventually they dash out the door.] Polly (coyly) [to Speedy]: Ah, alone at last. Narrator (gasping heavily as if he had been running): Not quite... Speedy (surprised, angry): Hey! Where have you been! We're scenes into the fanfic, already. Narrator (exasperated): Well excuuuuse, me! I was running late. (smugly) I also had a hot date last night. Speedy (sarcastically): With who? Your mother? Narrator (ticked off): Oh shut-up! Polly (irritated): Excuse, me! Do you mind leaving? Speedy and I have some... business to discuss. Narrator (interested): Oooh! Business! Polly [hands on hips] (very irritated): Alone. This is still supposed to be an all ages fanfic. Narrator (Adamantly): Well you can't make me leave. It's in my contract Polly [getting red with anger] (Angry): Grrrr. JUST WATCH ME!!! [She comes towards the camera. It turns like she grabbed it and goes flying through the roof of the parlor.] Narrator (screaming for dear life): AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HEY, I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HEEEEEEEERRRRREEEE! [The view of the stars sailing through the sky continues until the camera crashes through the roof of Mr. Plotz's office at Warner Brothers Studios. The camera is now upside down and the lens is slightly cracked.] Mr. Plotz (shocked): Hey! What on earth is that? Narrator (in great pain): Oh, don't mind me. Just continue with your conference. Mr. Plotz: Oh, ok.[ignoring the Narrator] So, then Mr. Cheese, when did you first become interested in show business? [The camera reverts to right side up, and the lens is magically fixed] BC (Frankly): Well to tell you the truth, I love the attention. Call me egotistical if you must- Jerry (whispering to Plotz): Believe me, you must. BC (continuing, obviously unaware of Jerry's comment): -but the thrill of everyone in the audience cheering me, and calling my name, it's just wonderful. Mr. Plotz: I see. BC: Infact, I almost went into theater, but the glamour of showbiz is more my style. Mr. Plotz (interested): Theater? Really? What rolls did you have. BC [w/ a completely straight face]: Mostly sesame or pumpernickel, but occasionally a rye with some butter. [Jumps up and dances w/ Jerry] BC & Jerry (singing): Yeah! Da-dum-da-dum-bum-bump! Mr. Plotz [silent for a moment, then breaks out into laughter]: Seymour, I think you're just what we're looking for in a Talk Show Host. Jerry [Excited] (yelling) YOU MEAN HE GOT THE JOB? Mr. Plotz: Yes! I mean he got the job. [Jerry and BC are overjoyed and begin dancing in the office.] BC: Terrific! When do I start? Mr. Plotz: We'll have you in the studio to record your first live episode tomorrow. Narrator: Wait a minute! It usually takes months to setup a new show, and even longer to decide if the company is interested in the first place! I'm still waiting to hear back about a job I applied for after Pizza Cats went off the air. And that was YEARS ago! Mr. Plotz: Call it speeding up the storyline. This is the 9th page and this fanfic is still going nowhere! Jerry: Of course it would help is we had a halfway competent narrator to move the story along. Narrator: Soooor-ry! Man, I just got whaloped by Polly a few minutes ago! BC: But you're ok, now. Right? Narrator: Yeah. It helps when you don't have a body. Mr. Plotz, Jerry, & BC [angry] (shouting loudly): THEN GET MOVING!!! [The camera shakes when they yell, and falls over, getting a nice view of the ceiling.] Narrator: Ok, ok. (annoyed) Geeze, what grumpy old men. [The scene shifts to inside the Pizza Parlor] (normally) The next day at the Pizza Parlor, our heroes are valiantly serving their adoring public hot delicious pizzas, not knowing what evil and danger lurked ahead! Francine [giving orders]: Ok. Speedy, you're the cook today! Speedy [dancing happily] (thrilled): YES!!!!! No annoying customers! Francine [continuing]: Polly and Guido, you're waiting on tables. Polly & Guido (disgruntled): D'oh! Francine [same]: GB you're on deliveries, and I'm working the cash register. GB (complaining): You and I always get the same jobs! Francine (retorting): We're the best at what we do. [authoritatively] Ok! Battlestations! [The cats all assume their posts for the day, except Speedy, who is currently at the door.] Francine: Ready! Set! [Points at the doors.] Open! [Speedy opens the door and is trampled by the on coming crowd.] Speedy (In obvious pain): The... PAIN!!! [The last customer steps on his face.] Narrator: As Francine and the others prepare to call Speedy a doctor- All: Speedy's a doctor! Narrator: Why must everyone take what I say literally? Anyway, as Speedy seeks medical attention before heading into the kitchen, there are crows sneaking into Little Tokyo seeking to do grievous bodily harm to our fair and furry feline friends. Roland: Ok, guys. Here's the plan. We attract their attention, lure them down here, and do 'em grievous bodily harm. Crow 1: How we gonna get their attention. Roland: Cheese said all we gotta do is add water to dis thing here. [He holds out a little capsule. He then adds a little water to it. Quickly it grows into a monstrous robot Godzilla like creature.] Roland (victorious): Alright! 10 pages into this thing and finally, a little carnage! [Scene shift to the private jet of our incoming Mystery Villain] Narrator: And oh what carnage there'll be! Wait, what's this? A new villain I see! [to himself] Ugh. That was worse than Francine's rhymes. Mystery Villain {referred to as MV}: So, Seymour, when will my Ninja Crows arrive in Little Tokyo? BC: They should be there now Mr. Bossman. MV: Seymour baby, please. Call me Godfather. BC (plaintively): Yes, Godfather. (normally) Anyway, we can't allow anyone in Little Tokyo to know your coming, so we've given you an alias. MV (Ominously): Perfect. Now call my Ninja Crows and tell them to proceed as planned as soon as they arrive. I will update myself when I get there. BC: Yes, Godfather. [Scene shift back to the Pizza Parlor. Francine has just hung up the videophone.] Francine (Yelling out to everyone): Al Dente` just called. A monstrous robotic lizard is attacking the city! Guido (exasperated): It's gonna be one of those days. GB: The location of the robot is right near my next delivery, so I'll meet you down there. Guido (uncertain): Oh. Uhh... ok. (realizing something isn't right) Hey where did Speedy and Polly disappear to? [As if on cue Speedy emerges from the kitchen. There is lipstick smeared on his face.] Guido (smugly): Fixing your make-up, Speedy? Speedy: Bite me, Anchovy. Narrator (annoyed): Ahem! Can we get this launch started sometime before the next Ice Age? Speedy (shouting) [wiping off the lipstick]: Right. Ready the cannon Francine! [As Francine gets the cannon ready, Speedy and Guido hop in their ovens, with Polly following close behind. Cue up the armoring sequence.] Narrator: Excellent. And once again, the Samurai Pizza Cats are ready to tackle the untackle-able, fight the unfightable, and win the unwinable. I know that sounded mighty cheesy, but what do you expect from having to work with the man- rat- fox- thing- guy. Will someone get me a script? I need a species check on Big Cheese! Francine [preparing to fire the cats]: I'm ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille! [Her voice over the parlor's PA] Excuse me folks. I hate to be a pain, but it's time to launch the Pizza Cats again. I'm aware that this rhyme is so bad, it's a crime. But for God's sake people, we don't have much time! Ka-Boom! Ka-Ping! Ka-Powie! Narrator: And they're off! Oh, great. Now Mama-san and Junior are gonna make some smart-aleck comment. [There is an awkward pause as the narrator waits for the dumb comment that never comes.] Narrator: Hey where are they? Polly: Remember? After the comet hit they took a vacation to Los Angeles. Narrator: Oh. I thought the writer just couldn't think of anything for them to say. Guido: Speedy, are you sure you want GB on the field with us? Speedy: Come on, Guido. You know how he fights. Why wouldn't we? Guido: What if he's still Bad Bird? Speedy (confused): What are you saying? Guido: Oh, come on Speedy! How many times have we fought Bad Bird? Are you saying you're willing to trust him that quickly? I think I have a right to be suspicious. Speedy: You weren't there when we destroyed the comet. He's changed. If you don't trust him, at least trust me. Narrator: I hate to interrupt the dramatic dialogue but you have bigger problems at the moment. [Scene shift back to the parlor] Francine (apologetically): Oh, no! I miscalculated again. Sorry. [Shift back to the cats in mid-flight] Speedy, Polly, & Guido (screaming): FRANCINE!!! Polly: Don't worry, guys. Maybe we won't land so hard this time. Narrator (cynically): Don't bet on it. [The cats look forward, and their eyes bug out of their head. They scream for their lives. And then they crash face first into a building.] GB (inquisitively) [hovering over where the cats hit the ground]: Problem with the cannon guys? [The cats just groan. Finally they straighten themselves out.] Speedy: So, GB, what's the scoop on Bot-Zilla? GB: He's exceptionally well built for an instant robot. He's also amazingly quick for his size. We need to disable him before we finish him off. Speedy [...thinking...]: No problem! [Goes into Cats Eye Slash sequence.] This should be disabling enough. [Launches Cat's Eye Slash before narrator can comment] HYAH! Narrator (struggling to keep up): uh-ah-and the Magical Ginsu Sword is (giving up) shoot! I missed my window. I'll be in my trailer skulking. [But, low and behold, Bot-Zilla jumps into the air, much faster than should be possible for a robot its size. The energy beam of the slash slices through the air and demolishes the building in back.] Speedy (sheepishly): Heh, heh. Oops! Polly (shocked): What the heck just happened?!? GB (annoyed): I said DISABLE! As in immobilize? As in prevent from moving? Guido: Great! So what do we do now? [Suddenly Guido feels something hit him. He bends down to pick it up.] Guido [staring at the object]: Hey guys! Take a look at this! [Speedy, Polly and GB look at what Guido is holding. It's a Ninja Star.] GB: Hey! I recognize that design! It's used by- Roland [appearing from nowhere, interrupting GB] (with great fury): GET THEM! [The Ninja Crows leap out of the shadows and surround the Pizza Cats.] Polly (bewildered): Ninja Crows? How?!? Speedy: Who cares? Let's just do our intro and kick their tail feathers! [Spot light on GB] GB: An excellent idea Speedy. And who better to fight Ninja Crows than another Ninja Crow. [Unsheathes sword] It's the new and improved GB! [Spotlight on Guido, who's holding the Sunspot Umbrella.] Guido: Guido Anchovy with the Sunspot Umbrella. [moves the Umbrella away from his face.] 'Cause when it rains, it pours. [Spotlight on Polly, who is finishing playing her flute.] Polly: The bold and beautiful Polly Esther here. My passion power will win the day! [blows a kiss] Love ya! [Spotlight on Speedy] Speedy: And in this corner is Speedy Cerviche! [Close up on Speedy] All together now! [Shot of all four] All: SAMURAI PIZZA CATS! Roland [angry] (angry): Grrr... I'm getting sick of hearing the same intro every episode! I'll be glad to eliminate all of you just so I don't have to put up with it anymore. (Normal) Well, enough of that. Time for some action. Here's a little blast from your past GB. [Turns and screams at the Ninja Crows] BIRDBRAIN BATTALION ATTACK!!!!!!! [All the crows charge headfirst at our heroes. Speedy raises his Ginsu sword and swipes at several on coming crows. They fall to the ground, with deep cuts in their armor.] [Polly looks at eight Ninja Crows trying to rush her, and batted her eyes. Almost immediately the crows are mesmerized and three fall flat on their face.] Polly: [The screen goes black and several red scratch marks appear. Hypnotized by the erotic combination of Polly's beauty, flirting, and perfume, the crows never even see the ten-dollar manicure that put them in the infirmary for the next week.] [Four Ninja Crows swoop down towards Guido. He bats them out of the way with his Samurai Sunspot Umbrella. As two of them recover, he levels a Sunspot Umbrella Fireball at them. One swerves out of the way, sustaining only minor wing burns. The other isn't so lucky. Taking the brunt of the blow, he now resembles an order of Extra Crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken.] [GB swipes at his former comrades with his sword. The crows don't seem to want to hurt him, mainly because he is a legend amongst them. Likewise, GB doesn't seem too thrilled about fighting his former partners, although that doesn't keep him from fighting valiantly. As he bats another crow out of the way, he decides to try for the robot.] GB [to the cats]: Cover me, I'm gonna try for the robot! [He flies up to the robot. He then pulls down his visor. Scene shift to GB's view. It appears to be normal, except for a slight green tinge, and a targeting sensor. He's searching for a weak spot] Roland: Oh no you don't! [Roland tries to fly after GB, but is kneed in the stomach by Speedy. He quickly recovers from the blow to the stomach, only to be conked in the head by the hilt of Speedy's sword.] [Guido swings Polly by her arms, and she kicks the three remaining Ninja Crows in their heads.] Speedy (victorious): Alright! Woohoo! [Scene shift back to GB's view. The robot begins to move.] GB: Hey guys! Look out, something's happening here! [Speedy, Polly, and Guido look up. The robot is transforming itself into a gigantic frilled lizard man. Most of its bulky body shifts into the frill, making the monster much more slim and agile.] Guido (nervous): Why do you suppose it has a frill? [The robot answers, spitting huge gouts of flame directly at the cats. Their eyes bug out, and they scream. Scene shift to the Little Tokyo Airport. MV is just arriving. His passport, which we see as he passes through customs, has the name Victorio Costas, although we know this is a false name. As he walks outside, an elder Crow, who looks similar to Jerry Atric, greets him at his limo.] Elder Crow: Hello Sir, pleasure to meat you. I'm Elliot Durly, although most people just call me Ell. I'll be your assistant. MV: So glad to see you. How are my crows doing? Ell Durly (gravely): Well sir, I'm afraid the Ninja Crows have been defeated. MV: Hmmm. How unfortunate. Ell Durly: However, sir, we did have a special Dragons Breath feature installed in the robot, in case of this. MV (curious): Dragons Breath? Ell Durly: It's a feature, which uses solar power to ignite a fuel into a super hot flame. MV: Ah. Very good. [Scene shift back to the battlefield] Narrator: Is this the end of the Pizza- GB: Hey! I thought you were in your trailer skulking! Narrator: I sensed a dramatic moment. GB: I gotta find out how he does that. Narrator: As I was saying: Is this the end of the Pizza Cats? GB (yelling): Not if I can help it! [He flies in front of the robot and distracts it.] [On the ground, the cats just barely manage to avoid the stream of fire from the lizard. Of the three of them, Speedy is hit hardest. The blast hits him square in the back. His armor absorbs the brunt of the power but the searing flame is just too hot.] Speedy [in shear agony]: AAAHHHHH!! Polly [worried] (shouts): SPEEDY! [She runs over to Speedy to try and revive him.] GB (concerned): (screaming at the robot) Leave the cats alone you lousy bag hot air! You have yet to match might with the true champion of Ninja Crows! [The robot turns its attention to GB] GB: That's right you Godzilla wanna be! You're going down! [Weaving in and out, GB managed to avoid the robot's blows. Eventually managing to get behind it, the tracking sensor in his helmet finally spotted the robot's weakness: a kill-switch located at the base of its skull.] GB: So that's your little game, eh? [Unsheathes his sword] Well ok, I'll play. [Goes into finishing move sequence {the one from Bad Bird Uncaged :)}] Narrator: Well fellas, seeing how it was in GB's contract that he get to steal the show in this little extravaganza, it only seems fair that we catch a glimpse of his really awesome finishing move. Betcha the cats are glad they aren't fighting this bird anymore! GB (Yelling): PHOENIX RISING- FIRE AWAY! [Releases move] HYAH! [They beam of energy slams directly into the kill switch, overloading the robot's circuitry and completely disabling it.] Guido [shouting] (trying to encourage Speedy): Speedy! The monster has stopped! Now is your chance. Speedy (groaning): I can't do it by myself. I'm gonna need your help Guido & Polly: You got it! [Summoning all his strength, Speedy unsheathes his Magical Ginsu Sword. Polly and Guido likewise unsheathe their swords. They all go into finishing move sequence.] Narrator: Oh, producer will not be happy with the special effects department. This has to be at least a few grand over budget. Not only have we seen GB's Phoenix Rising move, but the Pizza Cats are getting ready to do the Triple Whammy! This robot better have its life insurance paid up. Speedy (moaning): uhh ...Ok. Here it goes. [Raises his swords] (shouting) V IS FOR VICTORY! [Launches the move] HYAH! Polly and Guido [releasing their moves]: HYAH!!! [The finishing moves slice towards Bot-Zilla fast as quicksilver. This time, the giant lizard can do nothing to stop it. Within seconds the robot is scrapped.] Speedy [Doing his victory pose] Hah! Don't mess with the Pizza Cats! [Polly and Guido do their victory poses, with GB flying right over them, flashing his swords. Immediately, Speedy collapses in pain.] Polly (concerned): Speedy! GB: I'll fly him back to the Parlor right away. You can come with us Polly. Polly (extremely grateful): Oh, thank you GB! [She hops on GB's back, w/ Speedy.] Guido: HEY! WHAT ABOUT- [GB takes off, leaving Guido in the dust.] Guido (forlornly): me? [Scene shift to MV's hotel suite] Narrator (dramatically): Who is this mystery villain? (normally) Your guess is as good as mine, but he's taking the defeat well, so he can't be a Cheese. MV [looking over several papers, as well as videos of the last battle]: Hmmm. Interesting. Elliot: Excuse me, sir, but I would think you would be a bit more distressed. I mean the cats have just defeated our latest model. MV: You presume too much, Elliot. At this point, I merely wish to judge the strength of our foes. We shall undoubtedly face many more defeats like this one. Besides, with their leader sidelined, we shall not see them again for quite sometime." Elliot: You are far wiser than I am sir. MV: As well as Cheese, evidently. Now if you'll excuse me, I wish to study the data from this encounter, alone. Elliot: Yes, sir. [Scene shift back to the Pizza Emporium.] Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the Pizza Emporium, the whole gang is gathered around Speedy Cerviche to wish him a speedy recovery! Francine: He's got some minor burns, and he's running a fever, but he should be fine in a few days. A week at the most. GB (inquisitively): How can you tell that? Are you skilled in medicine? Francine: No, I just ordered this medical scanner from Sharper Image. Guido (chuckling): Francine and her gadgets. Francine (confused): Hey, how did you get back? Guido [shrugging]: Public Transportation. [to GB] (angrily) Hey, by the way, thanks for the lift. Polly [kneeling beside Speedy] (tenderly): Speedy... [kisses his forehead] Get well soon. GB: I'm sorry, but I can only fly two at most. Anyway, you got back fine. Guido (still ticked): Well on this team, you have to look out for everyone. That is, if you consider yourself part of this team. GB [grabbing Guido by the collar] (angry): What are you implying, Anchovy? Guido (same): I'm not implying anything. I'm saying outright that maybe you still think of yourself as a Ninja Crow! GB (screaming in rage): You just can't accept that I've changed can you? Guido (accusingly): Have you? You didn't seem too thrilled when you attacked those Ninja Crows today. GB (enraged): Some of them were friends! Besides, even if I didn't want to fight them doesn't mean I didn't do my best. I hate what I was when I served Seymour! I want nothing to do with that, again. Guido (same): Then why do you have me by the collar? Polly (screaming): SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! WE HAVE AN INJURED TEAMMATE HERE, WHO'S TRYING TO REST!! Francine (calmly): Calm down Polly. We have an injured teammate here, who's trying to rest. Polly (calming down, but still ticked off): Oh, shut up, Fran. GB [letting go of Guido and walking to the door] (softly but angrily): Until you decide if I'm trustworthy enough, I'm going home. [to Francine] Fran, I'm taking a few sick days, 'cause I'm sick of working with Anchovy. [slams door behind him.] [Time passes, and Speedy finally opens his eyes. Camera shifts to his view. Polly is standing over him.] Polly: Are you ok? Speedy (weakly): I am now that you're here, beautiful. Polly [with Guido's voice] (confused): Excuse me? (Speedy blinks, and suddenly realizes that Guido is standing by his bed instead of Polly.] Speedy [shocked] (screaming): AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Polly runs in.] Polly [worried] (worried): Speedy, what's wrong? Speedy (normally): Nothing, Polly. Just a really, really BAD dream. Polly (concerned): Oh, you poor thing. You're still feverish. Just rest up. [winks] I'll bring you you're favorite Pizza in a little while. Speedy [looking happier]: Maybe being sidelined won't be so bad after all! Narrator: Well at least Speedy knows how to milk a bad situation. Later that night, Guido visits Speedy to discuss with him the author's views on their romantic relationships. Guido (matter-of-factly): Actually, we're discussing our romantic relationships as interpreted by the author. Narrator (nonchalantly): Whatever. Anywho, you should get started. You've got about five minutes until your date with Lucille. Speedy (smugly): Two dates in two nights? You two are going pretty hot and heavy! Guido (annoyed by the comment): Shut up, Speedy. Speedy: Actually, I think it's sweet. I only have one question. (seriously) Why? Guido (confused): Excuse me? Speedy (quickly): I mean, don't get me wrong, I think she's attractive too. But... you always seemed to be more interested in competing with me for her then in actually dating her. Guido (slightly offended): That's a lie! Lucille is a great girl. I care for her a lot. Speedy (apologetically): I'm sorry if I offended you. It's just (trying to word it right)... you going steady with her, or any girl for that matter... it's not what I expected from you. Guido (seriously): Well, believe me, a year ago I would have thought it ridiculous too. It's just that...[flash back to the night of the comet. Speedy is with Polly, and Lucille is looking very sad. Voice over by Guido] after you and GB got back from destroying the comet, and you told Polly how you felt... She looked sad. Lonely. Speedy [voice-over] (jokingly): Ah! So it was a health concern! Guido [voice over] (ticked off): No, No, No! (relenting) Well, yeah, a little. (normally) But mostly, seeing her like that made me feel bad. [close-up of Guido] I wanted her to be happy. So, I thought "Maybe if I ask her out, it'll make her feel better." [He walks over to Lucille and asks her something. She looks very happy, and hugs him tight.] So I asked her out right there. [Flashback ends] Speedy: So. Howzit going, so far? Guido [...thinking...] (contently): Good. We're very happy together. I can't imagine being with anyone else... (smiling) Except maybe Francine. [Speedy's mouth drops] Guido (laughing): Gotcha! [Gets clobbered by Speedy's pillow.] Speedy (fed up): Not funny! Guido [smiling]: Sure it is! [pauses to compose himself] Now it's my turn Cerviche. When was it you first noticed Polly? You were always chasing after Lucille. Speedy: Ah... uh... [worming his way out of the conversation] Hey, speaking of Lucille, it's about time for your date! Guido: Shoot! If I'm late one more time, she'll blow her top! [running out the door] See ya, Speedy! [Guido slams the door behind him.] Speedy (relieved): Whew! Thank goodness he's gone! Narrator: Obviously, Speedy is still uncomfortable talking to Guido about his relationship. [Scene shift to outside a movie theater. Guido and Lucille are in the line for tickets.] And speaking of Guido, we now join him and Lucille on their date. Lucille (scared): I can't believe we're going to see this. Why did I let you talk me into this? Guido: Come on, Lucille. You know the deal. I go to the movie of your choice; you go to the movie of my choice. And it's my turn. Lucille (scared): Yes, but you could have chosen something a little less intense than Scream2. Guido: I happen to like horror movies. Besides, (suavely) [Holding her] it gives us an excuse to snuggle. [Lucille giggles. Guido hugs her.] Lucille (inquisitively): Guido, did you mean what you said to Speedy earlier? About how you felt bad for me. And that you wanted me to be happy? Guido (confused): How did you know about that? [Lucille holds up her copy of the script.] Guido (smiling): I meant every word of it Lucille. Hey, you're the first girl I've gone steady with in a long time! Lucille (happy) [starting to cry]: Oh, thank you Guido. You've really made me feel special. [Guido hugs her again. His eyes come to rest on her headdress. Suddenly they grow wide.] Guido (quickly, almost panicked): Uh, Lucille? You might want to take your-! [It's too late. Her headdress pops open and the missiles fly everywhere. Most of them hammer Guido, but a few demolish the ticket booth. Guido coughs and collapses to one knee. On the ground by his knees are two tickets to Scream2.] Guido [picking up the tickets]: Well, looks like we won a free movie! [to Lucille] As I was saying, maybe you should take off your homing missiles before we go in the movie. Lucille [blushing, removing the headdress]: Oh, right! Wouldn't want me exploding in the theater now would we. Narrator: As the loving couple enters the theater, our producers realize we're running out of time. So, join us next time, when the identity of the Mystery Villain is revealed. Also next time: Speedy sees Seymour's show for the first time, and SPC bloopers of these two episodes! Be there! [Screen fades to black. The words TO BE CONTINUED... appear in bold white letters across the screen. The words fade and credits start rolling.] Copyright 1999, A.R.G.