MARY HAS MAD COWS DISEASE BY KAT* Polly: (appalled) SPEEDY! For the love of God NO!! Guido: (also appalled) Don't DO IT!! Think of the PAIN!! Fran: (even more appalled) Oh the PAIN, THE PAIN!! Speedy: (looking down into a toilet) C'mon guys?! What's the big deal?? It's just like removing a bandaid, one quick motion... Polly: BUT SPEEDY!! This is a TOILET!!! Speedy: (sarcastic) Really? I always thought it was the electric generator... Polly: (ticked off) SPEEDY!!! Speedy: Look, I gotta do it otherwise we won't be able to go to the movies tonight... Fran:(sigh) He's got us there.. Guido: (turning away) I can't LOOK!...... (Speedy then suddenly dips his hand in the toilet and quickly pulls out thirty dollars) Polly: (with a wrinkled up face) EW! YUKYUKYUKYUK!!! Fran: I can't believe he really DID IT!! Guido: (turning slowly back) Is it all over...? Speedy: (placing the money beside the sink to dry) So! Now that that's done, who wants to hold hands back to the kitchen!? G, F and P: (disgusted) SPEEDY!! Speedy: Why are you guys being so hysterical!? I got the money, now we can go out tonight instead of going home and watching paint dry! Besides, it's not like the toilet wasn't flushed or anything.. (Guido, Polly and Fran exchange glances of disbelief) Speedy: (noticing the looks on their faces) ....What? It was flushed..right? (anxious) RIGHT?! Fran: We thought you knew? Speedy: Well I'm not trying to be to obvious here but KNEW WHAT!!!! Polly: Speedy the flush for the toilet hasn't been working for 3 weeks! Speedy: (slowly starting to panic)...what...what are you SAYING? Guido: (amused) You just dunked your hand happily into a filthy, unsanitary, un-flushed toilet my friend! *PAUSE* Speedy: (red in the face) WHY DIDN'T DOOR KNOBS SAY SOMETHING BEFORE I JUST WASHED MY HAND IN GOD KNOWS WHAT!! Polly: Honestly Speedy! We thought you knew. The plumber has only been here like five days a week since the season started!! Speedy: I THOUGHT that was the MILKMAN!! PollY: Yeah like the director would pay for a milkman cameo! Speedy: (waving his hand around in panic) OH GOD I CAN FEEL IT GOING THROUGH MY VEINS!! AAAHHHH!! (runs out screaming) Guido: (staring at the toilet) You know I don't see how anyone can use one of those things. Give me a box of organic kitty litter any day! Fran: Naturally I'd agree with you. That is, if you would clean yours some time this CENTURY! (At the Palace..) Big Cheese: (laying in his spa waving a fan) JERRY! More Bath Salts! CHOP-CHOP!! Oh! And can I have some of your sushi?! It looks so tempting.... Jerry: (looks up for his magazine, annoyed) There are no more bath salts, and you can have a PIECE of my sushi...(takes his plate over to Big Cheese) BC: (takes the whole thing) Thankyou Jerry! What would I do without you?! Jerry: (ticked off) Probably doing weekends at an escort service... BC: What was that?! Jerry: Ah...I didn't say anything, that was just an un-suspicious murmured grunt... BC: (biting into the sushi) Mmmm, your doing allot of those lately. Maybe you should tell Badbird to get some cough drops when he goes to the chemist later.. Jerry: (concerned) Why does Badbird need to go to the chemist? BC: Oh! I don't know, who CARES! Just as long as he remembers to get my moisturizer.. Jerry: If Badbird is sick, he should notify us. We don't want him out of a job... BC: (annoyed) WHO CARES ABOUT BADBIRD! He probably just has the runs or something..! I warned him about eating all that water melon... Jerry: (disgusted, so changes the topic)..Ah, anyway speaking of making robots.. BC: We're making a robot? Jerry: (unimpressed) Yes my Lord, it's our life.. BC: Oh.. Jerry: And this week's design is in honor of Big-Foot! Since Badbird is a big fan of the 80's puppet Alf! BC: (yelling) You PEANUT! Alf wasn't Big-Foot! He's an ALIEN!! Jerry: (shocked) Your KIDDING!! But Badbird said... BC: Why the hell are you listening to BADBIRD!!? His tiny brain couldn't fit inside an ants backside! Jerry: Your absolutely right Cheesy! It won't happen again.. BC: (waving his fan around hysterically) And anyway you've got some nerve dedicating one of our robots to 80's has-beens! You may as well build a giant Luke Perry ROBOT!!!! Jerry: Now, now. We use to watch him on TV... BC: QUIET FOOL!!! Someone might be listening..! Jerry: Cheesy we're performing infront of a live audience in countries across the world.. BC: (mad) SHUT UP and give me a foot rub!! Jerry: (under his breath) Cross Dresser.. BC: JERRY!! STOP MURMURING GRUNTS!! (Back at the Parlor) Fran: (Talking on the phone)..Yes I understand that but..yes..I know..I understand mother but.. we're very busy down here and I don't think..can't she just!..MOTHER!..no! I am not being difficult!..I AM NOT RAISING MY VOICE! Guido: Who's Francine screaming at? Speedy:(shrugging) Judging by her tone, probably her agent... Fran: (shouting into the phone)..MOTHER! PLEEEASE!! Guido: Oh! I KNOW! It's her mother right?! Polly: (ticked off) Goodness how did you guess THAT?! Guido: Magical physic powers..! Polly: Give me a break.. Fran: (hangs up in fury) OH THAT WOMAN!! She just makes me want hit something... (Fran grabs a rolled up newspaper and hits Speedy over the head) Speedy: OUCH!! God dammit Francine!! (rubbing the back of his head) What the hell was that FOR!!?? Fran: Well I needed to smash SOMETHING!!! And your head is conveniently placed within striking distance.. Speedy: Couldn't you hit a customer or something next time you yell at your mother?! Fran: (hands on her hips) And what do you think that would do for business?! HUH! Send people to the Steak House instead of here THAT'S WHAT!!! Polly: Hey Fran, why were you so upset with your mother anyway? Fran: (turning red) BECAUSE SHE'S A ROTTEN, GOOD FOR NOTHING BIT... Guido: (covers her mouth before she could finish) Okay I think we get the picture! We don't want the censors on our case! I've had enough trouble with them this season... Fran: (sigh) Your right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't say things like that about my own mother.. (under her breath)..wrinkled old bag.. Speedy: So what's the problem? Fran: (frowning) She's making me baby-sit my 13 year old brat of a sister Mary for a 48 hours of utter hell. Guido: What's so bad about baby-sitting your sister? Fran: The title of this episode is "Mary has Mad Cows Disease" GUIDO! Figure it out! Guido: (a little confused) You mean she's been eating beef in England? Fran: NO! It's an expression defining how she's a huge WEIRDO FREAK! Polly: (cutting in) How long since you last saw her Fran? Fran: I haven't seen her for about a year. She's been an exchange student in Russia. I was hoping it was a permanent vacation! BUT NOW SHE'S BACK! (starting to go red again)...she's already ruining my life and she's not even HERE YET!!!! (grabs the rolled up newspaper again wacks Speedy across the neck). Speedy: OUCH!!!! FRAN! Hit Guido!! Polly: When's your sister arriving? Fran: (sigh) Later this afternoon.... Guido: (not convinced) Come on Francine! She can't be all that bad.. Fran: Believe me, you have absolutely no idea. My sister is the BIGGEST..(grabs the rolled up newspaper again)...SNOTTING NOSED BRAT ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH..!(walking towards Speedy) Speedy: (running away) Oh no you don't! I may have insurance, but I can tell you something....who ever said that cats have nine lives should be hunted down and gunned in the street!! Polly: (standing triumphantly) I agree! More cats would be alive today if people would stop throwing them of high-rise BUILDINGS!! Our lives our precious and shouldn't be taken advantage of! Guido: (also standing triumphantly) And I hate it how Diet Cola gives you GAS! Polly, Fran and Speedy: ??? Guido: (embarrassed) Nevermind.. N: Meanwhile in the stinky depths of Big Cheese's underground hideout.. BC: Jerry, I need this robot finished by tonight!! Jerry: (intrigued) Why? BC: Because tomorrow night I watch Mama's House! Jerry: So your saying that you, our fearless leader will hold off our ruthless and destructive plot to build our Empire just so he can watch half an hour of MAMA'S HOUSE!!?? BC: (casually) I think it's a very valuable way to spend an evening! Jerry: (not amused)...Fine. But if we're going to release the robot by tonight, we need Badbird... BC:(angry) Well don't look at me! The feather brain should have been back ages ago. Probably caught the wrong bus.. Jerry: But he took the station wagon... BC: (mad) DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE!!!!!! (Badbird suddenly enters the room with a paper bag) Jerry: (suprised) Hey he's back! BC: (sarcastic) JOY! Jerry: (going over to Badbird) Badbird! Thank goodness your here! Cheesy wants the robot finished by tonight! BB: TONIGHT?! But that's impossible! We would need at least 100 more men to build it at that rate! We haven't even finished the HEAD! Jerry: Do we really need a head? BB: According to anatomy, YES!! Jerry: I suppose your right...(changing the subject) By the way, are you okay? Health wise and all?? BB: Oh yeah! I just needed to get Carla some of that soap she likes! Jerry: Hey did you get any gum?! (grabs the paper bag) BB: GIVE THAT BACK!! (trying take the bag back) Jerry: What have you got in here?! (reading a label) Viag.. BB: (snatching it back before he could finish) Do you mind! What I buy at the chemist is none of you business anyway! (embarrassed) And that's just Viagrahemlian! It's for...aching...feathers! Jerry: (amused) Big night planned huh?! Somebody better warn Carla.. BB: SHUT UP!! N: Since nothing worthwhile is taking place at the Pizza Parlor except usual, boring time consuming yapping to fill in time before our sponsors do a commercial, this next scene will be shot at the local train station! Didn't expect that DID YOU! (a bleak looking girl with long curly brown hair walks out of the train wearing a tie-die shirt and a red skirt..) Mary: (talking to herself) WELL! Since Franny couldn't be bothered to pick me up I guess I am forced to catch public transport with simpletons! (sees a bus stop across the road) N: Back at the Parlor.. Polly: (Looking at her watch) Mary will be here soon Fran..are you still going to set a trap at the doorway? Fran: I better not. I'm going to do my best to stay calm! But it won't be easy... N: And back on the bus.... Mary: (sitting at a window seat) seats dirty...windows dirty...bus drivers DIRTY! I could catch a virus or something in this condition... N: Speaking of feeling sick guess who Mary just happened to sit infront of? Son: Millie Vanillie??! N: No I meant... Mama: WAIT! I got it, Tony Danza RIGHT??! N: I MEANT YOU TWO FISH HEADS!! No wonder you only get two seconds of screen time in every episode! Mama: HEY! We're working on a deal with the director to make it three! Son: (on another subject) Ma how did we finally get on the bus? Mama: Good question Junior! I actually don't remember the process of getting ON the bus.. Son: Do you know where it's even going? Mary: (who butted into their conversation rudely) It's going to my sister Franny's Pizza Parlor. Memorize your bus schedule in the future.. N: Looking over the script wouldn't hurt either... Son: Oh NO! Not the Pizza Parlor! Now we're back to we have been since the first episode! Will never get home! NEVER! Mama: Well look on the bright side Junior! We got to be animated in a different BACKGROUND!! (Back at the hide-out....) BC: (furious) I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO HAVE THIS THING UP AND RUNNING BY NOW!? Jerry: But I thought you said to have it finished by tonight?! Which is tough enough as it IS!! BC: Then drink Pepsie Max or something! I want this thing done in an HOUR! Jerry: (appalled) AN HOUR!? Cheesy that's not humanly POSSIBLE!! BC: Well of course it's not humanly possible, but incase you haven't looked in the mirror lately we're CARTOONS!! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!! Jerry: (sigh) Fine. But I'm not drinking Pepsie Max! N: Back at the Parlor, the awaited guest has arrived outside the Parlor. Everyone's very excited too! Fran: Oh NO!! (staring out the window) SHE'S HERE!! QUICK!! HIDE ME!! TELL HER THIS THE WRONG PLACE!! Tell her...this..this is THE BANK!! Polly: (slapping her) Snap out of it Fran! Speedy: Yeah I thought you said you were going to go through with this..(also looking out the window)..she looks harmless enough.. Polly: (worried) Please Speedy, don't get her started again.. Fran: (frantic) Well...I'm just going to get Guido...YES! He's downstairs in his guest bedroom isn't he?! GREAT! (runs away downstairs) Polly: She'll do anything to get out of the room.. Speedy: (agreeing) I know! She still thinks we should hide her in the linen closet.. (Mary comes through the front door looking around for Francine) Mary: (disappointed) Oh Christ this place is tacky! It's so Franny..(glares at Speedy and Polly) So! Are you just going to stand there or are you going to take my bags to my suite! Speedy and Polly: (confused) What? Mary: You are the ushers aren't you? And pretty damn bad ones to. (annoyed) You should have escorted me inside! I almost stepped in a puddle.. Polly: (under her breath) What does she think this place is?! The PLAZA?! Speedy: (being polite) Hi Mary...um I'm Speedy and this is Polly (pointing at Polly who is busy giving her a dirty look)..we're friends of your sisters and we've been asked to welcome you here on behalf of the-! Mary: (interrupting) You mean your not ushers? Polly: (coldly) NO.. Mary: Oh...well sorry about that. I just figured those ghastly uniforms were representations of some dead end job..(realizes something) Oh yeah! Your pizza delivery guys aren't you!? Polly: (trying to remain calm) Speedy...where's my frying pan? Speedy: (worried) Hehe..not now Polly..! (Meanwhile downstairs) Fran: (knocking on Guido's door) Guido come out! I need back-up upstairs! MARY'S HERE!! Guido: (locked in his room) I just want to tell you something first.. Fran: BUT THERE'S NO TIME!! (still knocking on the door) She's upstairs as we SPEAK! Guido: You need to know that I love you! Your the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!...I want you...NOW! Fran: GUIDO?! (blushing) Have you been drinking again or something?! Guido: (in a desperate voice) TAKE ME! I'm YOURS!! Leave that beach, LEAVE IT ALL! And MARRY ME!! Fran: OOOH! I see...(suddenly realizes what's going on) GUIDO! For the last time! Stop talking to that poster of Yasmin BLEETH!! (Fran drags Guido upstairs) Guido: (upset) Why couldn't you leave us be?! I think she was finally going to say yes! Fran: (rolling her eyes) That's the last time we leave you alone in a room! Mary: (turning around to see Fran) Well well! Look who decided to show up finally.. Fran: Hello Mary...(trying to be nice)..how was Russia? You still thinking of being a Communist? Mary: (appalled) Franny! That was way harsh of YOU! Fran: (clenching her fists) My name is FranCINE! I thought we went over that..! Mary: Well anyway Franny that whole Communism thing is over! Now I'm converting to Buddhism and changing my fashion style to hippy witch! Fran: (confused) What happened to the gothic thing?! Mary: I missed colour Franny! Black is just so..(thinking)..black! N: Wow...that was deep. Mary: (eyeing Guido) So aren't you going to introduce me to your other friend? I've already met dweedle-dum and dweedle-dee over there..(waving her hand at Speedy and Polly) Polly: (claws out) Anyone feel like chopped Buddhist?! (getting ready to pounce) I DO! Speedy: (holding her down by the waist) Ahahaha! Ignore Polly...she ate expired shrimp this morning! Fran: (talking to Mary) Fine then..(turning to Guido) This is Guido another member of our crew... please use his NAME.. Mary: (holding her hand out to Guido expecting him to kiss it) Charmed I'm sure! Guido: (high fives her instead) How's life?! Fran: (whispering something in Mary's ear) Forget trying to come on to him Mary! He's six years to old for you! Mary: (not amused) Like that's stopped me before! (Suddenly, Al appears on the intercome) Fran: (deeply relieved) YES! A diversion! All, except Mary: What's up Big Al? Al: Clouds. (suddenly hysterical) AHAHAHAHAHAAA!! Mary: (not humored) I see television hasn't changed much since I left it...(turns to Fran) Franny can I use the bathroom?? I need to check my pores! Fran: Go ahead..use it as looong as you want! Al: Who was that? Polly: The Icequeen! Speedy: (correcting her) That was Fran's sister Al.. Fran: (restating her point) I told you guys she was going to be trouble! Maybe I should stick a book under the door of the bathroom.. Al: Never mind that now! There's a...(hysterical again)...Big Cheese has...BWAAHAHAHA!! Excuse me..! Guido: And why are we so good humored this afternoon? Al: (still chuckling) Big Cheese has unleashed his latest ROBOT!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! And...it's..it's reeking havoc over LITTLE TOKYO!! HAHA! Speedy: And the funny part is suppose to come in..where? Al: Just get out there and have a look...(chuckle)..you'll see what I mean! (prepare for blast of sequence) Fran: (over the load speaker) Attention Ladies and Germs! We hear a Big Robot is giving you the worms! So don't be alarmed at the smoke your about to see in the sky! It's not the Director giving off gas but our crime fighting felines SOURING HIGH!!...(hand on her gun) Stand by! (Pizza Cat's get shot off one by one) Son: Well here we are again doing the same thing we always do.. Mama: (optimistic) Oh don't be feel so down Junior! I read that watching flying cats is very beneficial to health! Son: Ma... Mama: Yes junior?! Son: Don't read anymore.. (Back to the Cat's above) Guido: (staring at the robot) Hey check it out!! No wonder Al was laughing so much! Polly: (squinting) Is it just me or does that robot have the body of Alf and the head of a geisha? N: Since Big Cheese pushed the limit on this robot, Badbird had to come up with an alternative used head from a past design. Polly: (giggling) How CUTE! Guido: (laughing) How FUNNY! Speedy: (also laughing) Hey..! You know what else is really funny..! Guido and Polly: What?! Speedy: (pointing ahead) See that building! G and P: Yeah?! Speedy: I think we're about to crash against it head first!! (hysterical) AAAAHAHAHAAHA!! (meekly) Save me... All: (trying cover there faces has they head for the building) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (Cats slam into the building, moaning in pain) Speedy: Well...(peeling his face of the wall)..at least this building is made out of timber because concrete REALLY hurts! (Out of know where, the robot suddenly grabs Polly and Guido in both hands and begins to squeeze) Polly: (gasping for air) Can't...BREATH..! Guido: (suffocating) I..feel like..I'm in a..waffle IRON! Polly: But..your..not a waffle! (gasping) Guido: It's a...figure of..speech POLLY! N: And who could be preforming such animal abuse?! Take a wild guess.. BB: AAAAHAHAHAHAHA!! Their like instant stress balls! Jerry: Just what you needed.. Speedy: (yelling from down below) What the hell do you think your doing stealing my friends and trying to kill them! We didn't get to do our traditional ENTRANCE YET!! Jerry: Thank God for that.. BB: (speaking through the load speaker in the robot) So what are you going to do about Speedy!! Just stand there and scare me and my robot off with mind power?! N: Mind power?! Look who he's talking to..! Speedy: (loosing his temper) Actually my second option was to blow up that robot until the destruction resembled your mangled FACE! (pulling out his ginzu sword) It's that time of the episode everybody!! Jerry: (sweating) You just had to ask didn't you Badbird.. N: Well any idiot could see that this was going to happen somewhere in the last five minutes! So once again our gallant hero Speedy pulls his old ginzu sword trick on the bad guys in an ray of sound and lighting effects! Speedy: (in the final sequence) Here it comes ready or NOT!! Polly: (still struggling) Speedy!...(gasp)...WHAT ABOUT US!! Guido: (breathing heavily) SPEEDY NO!! (Speedy blasts the robot causing it to crumble into pieces) BB: (airborne) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Your paying for the mess this time JERRY!! Jerry: (also airborne) Forget IT! Will just take it out of Cheesy's health fund!! Tell him we needed to get you some more "Viagrahemlian." (laughs) BB: (irritated) SHUT UP!!!! (Down below, Polly and Guido lay on the ground next to Speedy burnt to crisps) Speedy: (looking innocent) Sorry GUYS! hehe..he! I guess I made a slight tactical error...! Guido: (clenching his fist) Slight?! Polly: (going red) SLIGHT!!!?? Speedy: Okay then..a MODERATE error! Guido: (stunned) MODERATE!!!!?? Polly: (getting on her feet) YOUR GONNA DIE FUR BRAIN!! N: As Polly and Guido chase Speedy back to the Pizza Parlor they are shocked to learn that Francine went shopping and has left Mary to get up to all kinds of mischief! Including throwing a huge party in her absence! Polly: (almost speechless) Oh NO! Look at this place!! Speedy: (surveying the Parlor) Where did all these people come from?! And what's a DJ doing in the bathroom?!! Guido: (grinning) COOL! A party in the Pizza Parlor!! Polly: You think it's COOL?! (sigh) Just wait till Fran gets back... Speedy: (gulp) Too bad we don't have that bomb shelter anymore.. N: Speaking of Francine, guess who just came up the stairs carrying the evening groceries! Fran: (horrified) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! MY RESTAURANT!! MY PROFIT ORGANIZATION!! (nursing her fist) WHO'S THE DIRTY RAT RESPONSIBLE!!? (Guido, Polly and Speedy all point to Mary sitting on the bench) Fran: (going over the music and box and ripping out the chord) THAT'S IT!!! Everybody OUT! OUTOUTOUT!! (the party leaves in complaint) Mary: (very embarrassed) How could you do THAT!? You just humiliated me infront of my NEW FRIENDS!! Fran: (fed up) I leave you alone for on hour and you make friends with half the community of Little TOKYO!!? Mary: Stop being such a "Virgo" Franny!! Fran: Oh don't give me that star sign NONSENSE!! Mary: (still whining) NO ONE EVER LET'S ME DO ANYTHING!! Polly: Talk about your typical Brady Bunch family... Mary: (turning to Polly) Oh and what star sign are you?! Polly: Scorpio.. Mary: Figures... Polly: (insulted) What is that suppose to MEAN! Fran: THAT'S ENOUGH DISRESPECT FROM YOU MARY! Your going to stay here all night and clean this place up while we go to the movies! And then I'm calling mother and getting you out of here! Mary: (suddenly desperate) NO! Not mother FRANNY! Don't send me THERE! (on her knees) PLEASE! Fran: You should have thought about THAT EARLIER! (throws her a mop) Get our money Speedy!... (to Mary) AND DON'T CALL ME FRANNY!! Mary: You know..(sounding evil) there's to much weird sexual tension between you four. If you just release it maybe you'd stop taking it out on ME! (goes downstairs to clean in a huff) Guido: (confused) Sexual tension? Polly: That's a laugh! Fran: (amused) There's no sexual tension between us! N: Sure...what ever helps you all sleep at night. (giggles) P, G and P: (confused) HUH?! Speedy: (yelling from inside the bathroom) Ah, GUYS! I dropped the money in toilet again! BRING THE PLUNGER! Polly: (extremely irritated) Not AGAIN! Somebody get GLOVES!! THE END. Comments to leisha@curie.dialix.com.au ;)!