BEFORE THEY MADE PIZZA: PART THREE BY KAT* N: I can't believe you all came back for Part Three! Doesn't anybody participate in a LIFE of some kind???... I know I need to. But since your here, here's what’s going on. Once again we are back to the present and.. ..yes! Speedy is still pumping iron in agony...much to my pleasure! Speedy: (up to push up 213) I'm....seriously.....(puff)....going...(huff)....BLIND....(puff)....HERE! Vi: Don't worry, only 83 more to go! Speedy: (in a weak voice) (huff)...But... Vi: SILENCE! Speedy: (under his breath) Meanie.. Polly: (sleepy) Can we PLEASE get this story over with! I want to be home by the end of the year... Fran: I agree. Guido, keep telling the story before I fall into a permanent stupor.. Guido: (thinking back) Okay let me think where was I before I was RUDELY interrupted by Speedy...(gives Speedy a threatening look) Speedy: (very weak)...Hey listen I was just... G, P, F and Vi: SILENCE!!!! Speedy: MEANIES!!! ALL OF YOU! Fran: (looking back at Guido) You were up to the part where Speedy got caught. Vi: (joyful) That's RIGHT! I remember now! Speedy was going to the principal’s office! That teacher Miss Spank doesn't sound very nice.. Speedy: I know, she was alot like you actually...(puff) Vi: (calmly insulted) Where's my gun... Speedy: (panicky) AAAAH...quick!! Que the flashback before I get KILLED and before our show goes PG!!! (screaming) NARRATER!!!! N: (sounding tired) I'M UP! I'm up! (yawning) What's happening? Polly: (rolling her eyes) Sleeping on the job again. Slacker! N: It's 2:30 in the morning! These things HAPPEN! Fran: But you always fall asleep almost every episode! N: Well if YOU had my job YOU would have probably wacked yourself on the head with a water pipe by NOW! It's about as exciting as TOE JAM! Guido: (shaking his head) He really needs a girlfriend... Polly: A regular FRIEND would be a start! (Flash back is cued - everything's wobbly and fuzzy for a while...) N: And we're back in the Dark Ages when the Cats were in High School. Its Friday morning - you know the BIG morning before Conny Tyra's party. I'm certainly thrilled! Aren't you THRILLED Speedy??!! Speedy: (screaming and crying in fits of pain) I'M NEVER LEAVING MY ROOM! NEVER EVER, EVER AGAIN!!! I WISH I WAS DEAD!!! I'M A SOCIALISTIC DISASTER!!! N: This scene is set in Speedy's house where he has locked himself in his room, while his mother is waiting for him outside. He's upset because: one, he got his first detention EVER yesterday which he must serve for two weeks (cleaning the teachers toilets, plus the coach made him do the famous push-ups); two, he may have destroyed his only chances with the one time love of his life and three, he finally realized he was a major geek. (snickers) Took him long enough.... Speedy's Mother: (very worried) Now Pumpkin! If you just come down stairs and get ready for schoolies' I'll bake you a nice sardine and artificial corn sweat omelet! It's you absolute favorite...! Speedy: (whining) But mother DEAR I already told you... SM: And what did you tell me sugar-bee??! Speedy: THAT I CAN NEVER BE SEEN BY HUMAN EYES AGAIN! SM: (anxious) But honey, what about your orthodontist appointment this afternoon?! (door bell rings from downstairs) SM: Oh Buttons now who could that be?! (A voice can be heard bellowing from below) SHEILA GET THE GOD DAMN DOOR! SM: (yelling back over the stair case) Can't you please do it yourself PRECIOUS! Sugar-bee needs me to smother him right now with motherly LOVE!! Speedy: (shouting from inside his room) I DO NOT! SHEILA JUST DO IT! I'M SITTING!!!!! (Speedy's mother bites her lip and answers the door downstairs) SM: (muttering to herself about he husband) Lazy...selfish...horrible..NEANDERTHAL! (cheery again as she sees who is at the door) Oh! Hello there DEAR! Can I help you? Luciel: Hello Mrs. Cerviche. My name is Luciel and I'm here to see Speedy, has he left for school yet? SM: Speedy?! (over-joyed) OH SUPER! He needs a little cheering up! Wait here I'll go fish him out right away! (runs upstairs) SPPPPPPEEEEEDDDDYYYY!! Speedy: (with his head buried in his pillow) I'm in SOLITUDE MOTHER! SM: (still sickly cheery) But SUGAR-BEE! Someone's at the door for YOU! I'm so excited! I've never met any of your friends! N: Try to figure out WHY.... Speedy: Someone's at the door for ME? (Intrigued) Is it Good Bird? SM: Not unless he changed his name to Luciel and wears skirts...! N: Anythings possible... (Suddenly the door swings open to reveal Speedy in his Scooby Doo pj's) Speedy: (beyond shock) Luciel....HERE....NOW! (not knowing what to do) OH MY GOD! WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO?!!!! I need to brush my teeth and shave and......hey do you think I can I borrow dad's cologne? SM: Now pumpkin it's rude to keep your guest waiting! Besides, your fathers cologne doesn't work, I assure you. Downstairs with you, quickly now! Speedy: (taking a deep breath)......OKAY! (Speedy runs downstairs frantically until Luciel spots him, then he slows down and walks in a more sophisticated, suave rhythm..) Speedy: (playing it cool) Why Luciel. I'm pleasantly surprised to see you here at my humble abode... N: Oh please, gag ME! Speedy: (leans against the wall)..Your looking well...(goofs up) NOT that you look sick or anything cause you never look sick but well cause you always look well and stuff-! N: Smooth...Speedy's going for the 'village idiot' approach here. Luciel: I'm really sorry to bother you Speedy, but, I feel that its my responsibility to pass on some very icky news... Speedy: (gulp) Icky?....(thinking: "like things couldn't get any worse for ME!") What's icky Luciel...? Luciel: (sigh) Well I know you got my letter and I WAS going to ask you to Conny's party tonight...but, OH SPEEDY! It's a tragedy! Speedy: (on another notion) Oh I KNOW! I should have shaved the other side of my face...! Luciel: (confused) Huh?! (suddenly Speedy's mother takes a picture with her Polaroid camera from behind, much to Speedy's surprise) Speedy: (incredibly humiliated) Mother..! Your EMBARRASSING ME! SM: (squealing with joy!) OH! This is going straight to the 'Treasured Momemts' album! Sugar-Bee's very first GIRLFRIEND! Speedy: (trying to remain calm) Mother...PLEASE! Isn't there something you can go bake for dad, HMM!? SM: Okay pumpkin! But don't be too long! You need to eat too...(walks towards the kitchen) You two are just so ADORABLE! (giggles as she walks out of sight) Speedy: Sorry about that Luciel. Her condition's hereditary...(thinks for a moment)..wait that's no good...! Luciel: (anxious) Well ANYWAY! (continues)...you see when you came into the girls locker room yesterday Conny says you saw her in the shower and well.....she’s kinda cranky and says you can't go to her party now or she's going to cut off the oxygen supply in your body. Plus Guido and Polly mentioned something about performing surgery on you... Speedy: Oh...(gulp) So what your saying is, if I feel like being cut open any time soon, Conny's is the place to hang!! N: Why wait till tonight?! Leave NOW! Luciel: I'm so sorry Speedy...! (begins to walk off) I guess I should be getting to school now. Speedy: Yes school! Of COURSE! Place of learning, place of knowledge, place of good friends and discipline and...I should shut up now... N: My sentiments exactly. Luciel: (giggling) OH! And by the way...I like your pajamas....(begins to walk away) Speedy: (looks down at what he's wearing and blushes)......OH! How,...how did those get there...? N: As Luciel walks down the street, Speedy was about to go back inside when lightning suddenly struck his brain! Not literally of course...though I wish it were to be true, it's not quite raining right now. DAMN SUNNY WEATHER! (Speedy anxiously begins to run up the street after Luciel) Speedy: (waving his arms around) LUCIEL!! WAAAAAAIT!!! Luciel: (turns around) What is it Speedy? Speedy: (jogs up to her and looks her straight in the eyes) I'll be there.... Luciel: Where..? Speedy: Listen just DON'T get another date for tonight, I'll be there I promise! Luciel: (concerned) But Speedy! Mass murder can seriously damage your health! Speedy: I'll meet your there okay! But my name won't be Speedy it will be Mitch if anyone asks...okay! Good...bye Luciel! (runs off back to his house) Luciel: (still very concerned and now confused) BUT SPEEDY!....Who is MITCH?! N: While Speedy successfully wagged school due to his little traumatic episode earlier, we now tune into the conversation stylings of Polly and Luciel as they head to class later that morning....by the way Polly is in a good mood! Its kinda scary actually... Polly: (with a huge grin) Cerviche's banned from Conny's and I got a new blouse! THIS IS A GREAT DAY!! Luciel: (protecting him) I'm sure Speedy didn't mean to come into the girls locker room when he did. You know how he has that seeing impairment and everything... Polly: (sarcastic) Oh yeah? Well it seems that that 'seeing impairment' crossed wires with his brain. I'm telling you Luciel that guy is a closet case, and if shows up to Conny's tonight EVERBODY is going to want to tear off his limbs!! Luciel: (keeps her concern to herself) "Poor Speedy..." (all of a sudden, Guido taps Polly on the shoulder) Polly: (turning around) Oh...it's just YOU..(disgusted) I thought I smelled something.. Guido: SO! Hows my date for the party going?! (smirking) Ready for Captain Love to take you on wild cruise of excitment?! Polly: Sure! (sarcastic) Just let me get my life jacket and a bottle of tequila.. Luciel: (looking at Polly in suprise) Oh my GOSH! Guido is taking you to the party tonight?! When did this happen?! Polly: Well Captain HERNIA here rang me last night and actually made some good points about how this is a very good thing for our popular status and all...so I bit my toungue and said yes. (in denial) It's not so bad! It will heaps of fun! Luciel: (turning to Guido in disbelief) Did you hypnotise her? Guido: (giving Polly a hug) I wouldn't do something like that Luciel! Polly just finally realized we were meant to be!... Plus I'm paying for her new shoes.. Polly: Yeah, and don't forget the matching purse! (the screen suddenly goes all wobbly again, and we return to the present) N: Who is 'Mitch'? Are we having a baywatch cameo? Is Guido practicing hypnosis? Does Speedy really wear those pajamas to bed? Will he dare attempt to show up to Conny's in the name of love and teenage hormones? Will he have any limbs missing by the end of the show?? If for some paranormal reason you give a damn about any of this, join us again for part 4 of 'Before They Made Pizza and drove the narrator mental'...! Speedy: (still in the middle of push-ups) PART 4?!! N: (sigh) You heard me... Vi: SILENCE!!