BINKY OUR HERO. BY KAT* N: We begin our story at the Pizza shop where Speedy, the courageous leader has made a startling discovery... Speedy: (beaming with pride) This shirt is 100% cotton!!! TOUCH IT! It so soft and 'cottony'!! Polly:(appalled) Is your brain leaking again?? Or are you just seriously trying to gross me out!! Luciel:(Winking) I think your new shirt looks really nice on you Speedy! Speedy:(with puppy-dog eyes) Oh Luciel!..... Luciel:(gazing) Oh Speedy!..... Polly: Oh HELL! (Sticking her finger in her mouth, as a way of saying 'Yuck') I'm just going to see if there's anything to do over here now...(walks over to the cash register.) Guido: (Giving her a funny look) What's da'matter Polly, jealous????!!:) Polly: (slaps him on the head) You DUMB pickelhead!!! That thing with me and Speedy is so OLD!! He can pucker up to Luciel all he wants... Guido: (teasing) Your 'cuuurraazzzz-ee' for him!.... Polly: Am not... Guido: Are so... Polly: Am NOT! Guido: Are SO TIMES 100! Polly: (growling) OKAY THAT'S IT!!! (Al appears over the intercom) Guido: (being choked by Polly yet again) Look behind you Polly...ahhgg! It's AL!!! QUICK, we gotta go talk to him!!! AHHHGG! NOW WOULD BE A FANTASTIC TIME!!! Polly: Guido, do you remember the time you told me Garfield was behind me... Guido: But..... Polly: And the time the President had his pants down behind ME!!... Guido: BUT.....! Polly: AND... Al:(interrupting) POLLY! GUIDO! Get your tails over here now! I'm not going to deliver this important information twice!! Guido: Told ya Al was behind you!! Now you made him mad. Shame on you Polly!! Polly: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! (At the intercom) Speedy, Polly, Guido: What's up Big Al? Al: As I was saying, I have important information for you all... Speedy: (mumbling to Guido) Geez, like we didn't see that one coming... Guido: (mumbling back) Bet you ten bucks he wants us to save the city from an evil robot!! Speedy: Okay! Deal.. N: Smart move Speedy, name one time when you HAVEN'T been called to save the city from a robot? Speedy: (angry) Who asked you!! Al: Big Cheese has done it again! He's built another expensive robot that's slashing the special effects budget. Polly: (sarcastic) Wow, how original of the writers. Do they still get fringe benefits? Al: (Sigh) Sadly, yes. Anyway that's beside the point, you cats better transform and get out there fast and save the city!!! Guido: (Going on like an immature child) YES!!! I WON! HEHEHE! We have to save the city from a robot! Come on Speedy you better pay up! TEN BUCKS! Speedy: Ah crud.....I'll give it to you, ah.... after the show!! Guido: No, I think I'll take it now...(holding out his hand) Speedy: (Stuttering) But come on pal!! Hehehe...it's pay day today! My wallets empty!! Honest! Guido: (Fed up) Yeah pull the other leg Speedy! Speedy: (Hiding his wallet behind his back) Your nuts...and to THINK! MY OWN BEST FRIEND! (pretending to be upset) WOULD ACCUSE ME! OF LYING!! What kind of a world are we living in I ask myself sometimes! N: Congratulations Speedy, after at least 30 episodes you still don't get it! Speedy: (irritated) OH SHUT UP!! Polly: HELLO? (knocking on both their helmets) Anybody home!?? Let's get going, I have a hair appointment this afternoon! Guido: Oh who cares about your hair, you hardly ever take that helmet of anyway! And I want my MONEY!!! Polly: Oh quit being a baby! Speedy: HAHA!! Polly: Oh I almost forgot... (calls out to Luciel sitting at a near by table) Luciel can you shoot us off? Luciel: Where's Francine? Polly: The Caribbean. Apparently she's been saving up for quite some time, she obviously forgot to save up for me as well.... Luciel: Oh WHAT FUN!! I get to play with all the pretty BUTTONS!! N: This could prove hazardous..... (Cat's shoot off one by one) Son: Ma this is getting boring. We do the same thing every episode! It has a strange repetitive feeling... Mama-sun: It's called "Deja-Vu" you silly boy! And anyway I told you we could have done that sitcom about the "magic dinosaur", but noooo! My son had to be in a show with "super heroes"! Son: (unimpressed) Okay Ma you've made your point... (cut to airborne scene) Speedy: Does anyone else get a wedgie every time we blast off? Guido: Nah, I avoid that problem by sticking to boxers. Speedy: Really? I always felt a draft in boxers. Guido: Well you see you got to stick to the good brands. They also add a touch of style. N: I agree, boxers are definitely more comfortable... Polly: (revolted) Can we NOT have this conversation? Guido: (pointing) Hey! I can see the robot, it's right in front of us! Speedy: (also pointing) Hey! I can see a tree, that is also right in front of us! (The Cat's look at eachother with pain) Speedy, Polly, Guido: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The Cat's *SMASH* into the tree) Guido: (hanging over a branch) Well that was a real bone braker....*CRACK* Speedy: (upside-down) I guess it makes you appreciate Francine... Polly: (Who landed face first) But Speedy, Francine also made us land into trees. And also walls, mountains, billboards, people, etc. Speedy: Well, maybe we should start walking...... Guido: (looking around) Isn't it a little to quiet around here for a city being destroyed by a giant robot? Polly: But didn't we just see the robot? Remember it was over there. (pointing) Speedy: (mocking) Well that's convenient! We can't do our traditional entrance without the stupid robot can we ??!!! N: Yes that is a concern, where are our villains..? Ah! There they are! Hiding behind a near by building?? Jerry: (whispering) Congratulations boss! We did it! Those Cat's fell for it hook line and sprinkler! Bad Bird: (whispering) It's 'sinker', not sprinkler old man. Jerry: Really, I always imagined it was sprinkler... BB: (whispering) What the hell does a sprinkler have to do with anything !!?? Big Cheese: (also whispering) Oh who gives a hoot! The hallucination of the phony robot has confused those pizza brats for now. It's time to go to the next and better phase of out plan! Did everybody bring their black tights? Jerry, BB: (Sigh) Yes.... Jerry: We also brought black beanies, shirts, gloves, masks and black sunglasses. Just as you requested. BC: (whispering) Terrific! You better go change, we're wasting precious killing time! BB: (whispering) Okay boss. Hey, why are we whispering? Jerry: (whispering) The director says we're setting a climatic mood...he also thinks the wind is windy. BB: ? Jerry: Nevermind, he's just stupid. (Cut to Pizza Cat's walking around the town) Speedy: Mr. robot! Come out come out wherever you are!! Polly: It's no use Speedy, there is no robot. Guido: Yeah just look around you! No smashed buildings, no scared people, no Big Cheese, no hot babes in trouble for me to rescue, nothing! You might call this one of your more quiet days. Polly: Come on, let's start heading back. I think I got a leaf in my shoe. Speedy: (annoyed) But how can a 50 foot robot just disappear like that!!?? N: Back to our villains who seem to be running out of ideas to catch our heroes.. BC: (smiling) Did I tell you that you both look smashing in those black tights? BB: (frowning) I feel like hitting myself! Why do we have to wear these? We look worse then the Pizza Cats! BC: It's the easiest way to remain inconspicuous. We can't let those felines or any other goody-two-shoes see us... Jerry: Well why are your tights pink Cheesy? BC: Isn't obvious? I have to add some colour to this gloomy black ensemble. N: Okay, let's just get away from that picture as soon as possible!! Cue the next scene where the Pizza Cat's are heading for home...! NOW! Polly: (bored) Well that was worth my time. Guido: For once I'm upset that their is no robot. Speedy: (trying to be smart) Correction Guido, their was a robot! We saw it with our own eyes! Guido: I know but you said it yourself Speedy, how can something that huge just disappear? N: At least the network will be happy. Do you know how much robots cost!? Not mention every WEEK! Anyway back to our small minded crooks who are watching the Cats in secret near by... BB: (whispering) Okay we're in position, now what do we do? BC: SSHH! I tell you at the right moment... BB: But I want to know now! Jerry: (whispering) Yeah come on Cheesy, I need to go to the bathroom.. BC: (bossy) SSSSHHH!!! Or I'll put you both into early retirement!! (Close by..) Polly: Guido what are you staring at? (Pretty girl walks by) Guido: (With love hearts in his eyes) Can you guys excuse me for a moment, I have some business to take care of.... Polly: (rolling her eyes) Men...... Speedy: Can you hear that? Polly: What? Speedy: That sound? Polly: You mean that music? Speedy: (astonished) OH MY GOD!!! Polly: WHAT?! What is it? Speedy: (jumping) IT'S.......IT'S..........IT'S...........THE MR. WHIPPY VAN!! (Speedy zooms away out of sight.) Polly: (cross) Well, if it's not women it's an ice-cream truck. N: Polly, did Speedy say he just heard the Whippy Van???!! Polly: Yes but... N: WOOHOO! Ice-cream!! I want extra on the chocolate!! (leaves) Polly: (shouting to God) Is everybody this pathetic!!!!?? (Back to the Bad Guys.......) BC: (whispering) Okay are you ready to go? BB: (whispering) Ready as I'll ever be. Jerry: (Holding his tights in agony) Ditto...! BC: Okay on the count of three. One...ah...two.......ah....ummm....ah..five... BB: THREE!!! (Jerry, Big Cheese and Bad Bird Jump out behind the building infront of Polly who is near by) Polly: (confused) What the.....? BC: (shouting) GET HER!!!!!! Polly: Get me? Jerry: (pale) Why don't YOU get her boss? BC: (anxious) Because I'm just suppose to stand here and look pretty! So YOU get her!! Jerry: With all do respect Cheesy, I can hardly move my legs.....(Still holding his pants in pain) I need a toilet... BB: Don't worry, she's all mine... Polly: (Standing in defense) Get me? Three strange little boys in tights are going to GET ME,POLLY ESTER? HAHAHAHA!!! (Bad bird pulls out a spray can from behind his back) Polly: And what is that? One of your toys?!! (Sprays it in her face) Polly: (Rubbing her eyes) OUCH!! That STINGS!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??!! BB: It just came on the market. It's called Pizza Cat Repellent!! Polly: (Getting dizzy) Huh....? BB: Well, actually it's just a new kind of mase.... Polly: (Getting more dizzy) What have you done to ME!!?? Who...who are you??? BB: What you didn't recognize us with our masks on? I guess your not very observant are you Polly... Polly: (weak) You'll......pay...for this...you...Robin Hood type person(Faints) BB: Robin Hood? Jerry: Must be the tights. BC: Wait a minute, I thought their were more of them! Why is there only one Jerry! I wanted to kidnap all of them!! Jerry: (In excruciating agony) Please....CHEESY!! I really....need...to.. BC: (uninterested) OH! If you can't speak normally then just shut it! BB: We better get her back to our hideout before it's to dark.. BC: (red in the face) But we're not FINISHED!!! I WANT ALL THE PIZZA CAT'S!!! BB: (easygoing) But Big Cheese, sir, we have to get out of here before someone sees us. We can get the rest of them tomorrow. First thing after breakfast..? BC: Fine. First after breakfast AND after I put my hair in curlers... Jerry: (sweating) AHHH! I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER!!! (Runs over to a tree) BC: (disgusted) We better go before someone arrests him for indecent exposure... (A couple of hours later back at the Pizza Shop...) Speedy: (licking an ice-cream) So what happened with you and that blonde you were chasing? (Guido showed Speedy a giant hand print on his cheek) Speedy: Ouch! No luck huh? What did you say to her? Guido: I don't think the Network would want me to repeat it... Luciel: (looking out the window) I'm worried, it's getting late and Polly still isn't back yet... Speedy: Maybe she walked passed a 'Sale' or something. Luciel: Very funny Speedy, you shouldn't be so stereotypical. Speedy: But it's all truth and nothing but the truth so help my GOD! Guido: Look Luciel I'm sure she's fine. She probably just went home early. Luciel: That's an idea! I'll call her apartment... (Luciel dials Polly's number on the phone numerous times with no luck) Luciel: (worried) Speedy! She's not home! Why did you guys have to leave her alone? Guido: Well don't look at us! The Narrator left too.. N: (Eating ice-cream in the background) I was on a coffee break....moron! Speedy: Hey your right Luciel! Doesn't Savannah start now? She should be at home watching it. She would never miss it would she Guido? Guido: Not on her life. Luciel: (paranoid) Speedy maybe you should go back to where you left her and see if she's around there or something. And Guido maybe you should check her apartment just incase... Speedy: Okay Luciel, if it will make you feel better... Guido: (annoyed) Ah Luciel come on! Polly lives all the way at the wharf! Do I have to? Anyway I.....(thinking)..have a date tonight.... Speedy: (laughing) You could have done so much better then that Guido!! Luciel: Guido she's your friend and she could be in trouble. Besides I can just shoot you off from here. You'll get to the wharf twice as fast! Guido: (Thinking about earlier that day when Luciel took the controls) You know what babe, I think I'll just take my car and drive there! N: Meanwhile at the Big Cheese's spiffy-diffy hideout.. BC: It's time for phase C of my notorious plan! BB: (yawn) How many damn phases are there?! I'm sleepy.. BC: As many phases as I want! BB: (frustrated) Okay fine, what's phase C then.. BC: (thinking) Well, umm phase C is just the most tension, ah... criminal umm...building moment of all the previous phases! You might say that phase C is....well it's BB: (Interrupting) You have no idea what phase C is do you.... BC: (angry) OH SO WHAT IF I DON'T! I was HOPING, that I didn't have to do all the thinking around here! I thought maybe Jerry would think of something... (Bad Bird and Big Cheese look at Jerry sitting in the corner sipping tea) Jerry: (relaxed) Well, most kidnappers leave a ransom note at this point. I suggest, since we are not as experienced in the field of kidnapping as we all thought we were, we should forget about kidnapping the rest of the Cats. This way in the ransom note we can threaten the others by saying we will kill Polly, if Speedy doesn't give us his magical Ginzu sword. BC: (excited) Guess what Bad Bird! I just thought of a ingenious idea for phase C...! BB: (annoyed) Oh brother.... Jerry: (disturbed) Here we go... BC: You see, most kidnappers leave a ransom note at this point. I suggest, since we are not as experienced in the field of kidnapping as we all thought we were, we should forget about kidnapping the rest of the Cats. This way in the ransom note we can threaten the others by saying we will kill Polly, if Speedy doesn't give us his magical Ginzu sword! I'm just so BRILLIANT!! BB: (sarcastic) That's funny.... five minutes ago you didn't even know what a Ginzu sword WAS! (Time passes. Speedy returns to the Pizza Parlor.) Speedy: (concerned) No luck, I couldn't find her Luciel! I searched everywhere, I even went into the ladies toilets at the mall and looked in every block! No ones seen her. And only thing I found when I went back to that place where I left her was a yellow coloured tree that smelled of urine. Where could she BE!? (In that instant Guido storms through the front door, crying in hysterics) Luciel: (shocked) Guido your crying?! Speedy: (running up to him) Is it something to do with Polly....? Luciel: (scared) WHAT'S HAPPENED!! Did you go to her apartment?? Guido: (speaking between sobs) I was *SOB* driving back on this *SNIFF* road and..and..and...OH IT'S AWFUL!! (Continues to cry) Speedy: (also crying now) Is she dead Guido?? IS THAT IT??? Did you find her dead?? *SNIFF* TELL ME!! Guido: (sitting himself down at a near by table) And..there was a bunny!! *SOB*!! OH GOD!! Luciel and Speedy: (look at eachother) Bunny? Guido: And...it was hopping...and....hopping..*SNIFF*..it had the cutest little puffy tail....*SNIFF*...like a little puffy, well thing and...and...I ran over it, I killed it!! IT WAS AWFUL!! *SOB* It looked just like a baby Peter Rabbit, I..I feel terrible! Speedy: (trying to remain as calm as possible) You get me all worked up because you ran over a baby bunny....? Guido: (upset) Well I love Peter Rabbit! He was my hero as a kid... Luciel: Oh Guido! This is a side of you I've never seen before... Speedy: (furious) YOU STUPID BONEHEAD!!! (Speedy attacks Guido which results the in the two of them fighting and cussing at eachother in a cloud of smoke.) Luciel: Boys...(holding a note)..I think you should see what we just got in the mail... (Speedy and Guido pause.) Luciel: (about to cry) Polly's been KIDNAPPED!!! (the hatch on her head opens) Speedy: (walking away) Uh-oh...! Guido: No Luciel, DON'T LOOSE IT.....! KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!! N: After dropping off a traumatized Luciel back at her place, Speedy and Guido went to a place just outside the Palace, as the Ransom note demanded. Now let's all relax and wait to see what happens! (sarcastic) Like it's going to be anything good.... Speedy: Nooooooooo way!! Not no HOW!! Guido: (looking at his watch) Come on it's almost midnight, where are those damn kidnappers... Speedy: (jumping up and down) No no no no no no no no! Guido: Why do you keep saying that? Speedy: Did you read this ransom letter!? It's says they want my sword! Guido: So? You gotta give it up or their gonna kill Polly. Speedy: (mad) But my sword Guido! That's like giving up my own child.. Guido: (trying to sound logical) Speedy when someone is going to get killed, you give up the sword! Speedy: (irritated) Well if YOU love Polly so much why don't YOU give up you're sword! Guido: Because they want yours! And YOU'RE the one who's had a crush on Polly all these years... Speedy: Well YOU'RE the one who thinks she's got a great backside!! Guido: (angry) OKAY!! YOU'VE HAD IT NOW PAL!! (Speedy and Guido resume fighting again) BB: AHEM!!!!!!! Guido and Speedy: HUH?? BB: (In a black mask and faking a deep voice) Just stop the funny stuff and hand over the sword or the girl gets it...(points behind him where Jerry [who is also masked] is holding a knife to Polly's throat. Polly appears to have a pillow case over her head) Guido: (Eyeing Speedy) Do it Speedy....give him what he wants.. Speedy: (looks up at Polly) Oh... alright......! (Speedy throws down his sword. Bad bird walks over and picks it up.) BB: (to himself) At last it's mine..... Speedy: Okay, now give us what we want! BB: Oh yeah of course. (signals to Jerry to let go of Polly) Speedy, Guido: (Run up to Polly in joy) POLLY!!!! Polly: (still dizzy) Speedy?.....Guido?.....Mr. President?... Guido: She must be delirious, maybe they drugged her...? Speedy: Nah, she smells like fly spray..EWW! BB: (removing his mask.) HAHAHAHA!!! SAY GOODNIGHT PIZZA CATS!!! (Preparing the Ginzu Sword sequence) Now the Bad guys are going to WIN!! Speedy: (amazed) Bad Bird?!! Guido: (panicky) SPEEDY!! You gave your sword to BAD BIRD!? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!! Speedy: (incredibly sarcastic) WELL! Excuse me Mr. "Speedy you better give up your sword or their gonna kill POLLY!!!" BB: (waving the sword back and forth) Hey, what's going on here?? Why isn't this thing WORKING??!! Jerry: (running over to Bad Bird) Maybe the batteries are flat.. Guido: (happy) ALRIGHT SPEEDY!! Speedy: (puzzled) Huh? Guido: (cheerful) You didn't give him your Ginzu Sword....! Speedy: I didn't?? Guido: No...you gave them Binky!! Your other sword!! Jerry: (baffled) What the hell is a Binky? Speedy: (Pretending to understand) Oh yeah! Of course I did! Hehe..I did that so...ah I could now get them with my usual Ginzu Sword sequence!! Yes, yes that's a good plan actually (pulling out his Ginzu Sword). Jerry: Oh Crap... BB: (Timid) I think I hear Big Cheese calling us....!(Running away) N: But, as usual it was too late! Speedy got them again with the old Ginzu Sword sequence that sent them flying far, far away into an unknown wilderness.. BB: (Burnt to a crisp) I think kidnapping was defiantly a bad career move... Jerry: (with an aching back) I think every scheme we've had in this show is a bad career move, and my medical bill proves it...*COUGH*! (Back to the Cat's, who are now carrying Polly back to the Pizza Shop) Speedy: They didn't hurt ya did they Polly?? Polly: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Speedy: I see... Guido: Forget it, she's fast asleep. Which is just great cause now we gotta carry her carcass all the way back to the PARLOR! N: When Bad Bird and Jerry Attric finally came home and delivered the news that the Cats had won, Cheesy lost it as usual and blew up in a cloud of smoke. I don't think the guys will be doing anymore kidnapping. Well, at least not this season...Anyway, the next mourning our heroes, the Pizza Cats are back at work! And it's almost the end of the show, so don't tell the director I left early....BYE!! Francine: (Jumping through the front door carrying a bundle of suit cases.) I'M BACK!!! So did I miss anything? Polly: (filing her nails) I was kidnapped... Guido: (reading a magazine) I ran over Peter Rabbit... Speedy: (At the cash register) I got a new SHIRT!! Francine: (relieved) Well, at least you've been occupied.... THE END. SEND ME COMMENTS!!! PLEEEEASE!! At leisha@curie.dialix.com.au, thanku!