THE SAMURAI STALKER BY KAT* Narrator: (Sounding bored) It's a beautiful morning....ah...the stars are shining, no wait the sun is shining, birds are chirping it's real beautiful.....spring is here.....ah....let's see what our heros are doing at the parlor.....ah..did I mention it was a beautiful day? Speedy: For the sake of the sleeping audience you could have practiced your lines before you came to work! Guido: Not to mention the sleeping cast... N: I had a rough night, besides what I said was just fine. Guido: Well if you look outside you will see RAIN and THUNDER, your typical AUTUMN weather for this miserable time of NIGHT! Speedy: Yeah and there are no birds! N: Well excuse me! I did'nt catch the weather report this morning so I would not have the slightest idea. Speedy and Guido: JUST LOOK OUTSIDE! ( pointing out the window where wind is blowing, lightning striking, buckets of rain etc.) N: Okay we can try this again...ahem! (sounding like a sarcastic weather man)....it's a miserable NIGHT and theres alot of RAIN and THUNDER and there are no BIRDS, who cares what season it is, Speedy and Guido are jerk heads let's see what their doing!!! Speedy and Guido: That's better! (Al appears at the intercom screen) Speedy, Polly, Guido and Fran: What's up Big Al? Al: I just called you to inform you that the storms getting worse and Princess Vi has suggested that everyone should stay indoors tonight. We have a few missing people. Polly: You mean we can't go home? But theres no TV at the parlor! Fran: Oh my God your right! Theres no way I can stay here on a Melrose night Al! Guido: Yeah c'mon Al! It's just a little drizzle outside, nothing to get worked up about, right Speedy?! Speedy: (Hiding under a table) Sure a drizzle, I'm not afraid I'm a pizza cat! (lighting strikes close by) Speedy: EEEEKKKK! (Ducks his head) Polly: Some pizza cat, can't even get through an earthquake either. Speedy: I conquered that fear a long time ago! (more lightining) Speedy:(Timid) do you think the thunders getting any closer? Al: Anyway you got the picture, my orders are to stay indoors tonight until the storm clears up a bit or maybe you could go missing to, and I'm to tired to send out another search party! Francine: (trying to sound logical) And where are the missing people at this point Al? Al: Well if we knew that they wouldn't be missing. Francine: I see.... Polly: But like Guido said the storms not that bad how can people go missing? Al: I'm not sure Polly, something strange is going on around here tonight and I'm not sure if it's the storm or something else... (The transmission on the intercom get's weaker and weaker) Fran: (Banging on the screen) Hello in there! Earth to Al! Polly: He must have got a power cut, gosh I hope that doesn't happen to us! (As if on cue, the Pizza Parlor loses power and the entire place turns black) Speedy: (In a high pitched girl scream) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! WE'RE ALL DOOMED! Guido: Thanks Polly now you've done it! Polly: Don't be such a dum head it was the writers! Guido: You! Polly: Writers! Guido: You! Polly: WRITERS! That's it wheres my trusty frying pan (starts searching for the kitchen in darkness, but ends up falling ontop of Guido) Polly: Watch where your standing!! Guido: Only if you watch where your going!! Polly: Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!(Starts choking him) Fran: We need light I can't see a thing (grabs a torch) (phone rings) Speedy:(scared) AAAAHHHH! Fran: Speedy it's okay it's just the phone ringing, hey everyone the phone lines must still be operating! Guido: (Being choked to death) AAAAAAHHHHHGGGGG! Fran: What did he say? Polly: He said oh good call the mental home and make an apointment for a labotomy! Fran: (Picking up the phone) Samurai Pizza Cat's we cook'em you eat'em, can I help you? Speedy: (Trying to grab the phone of Francine frantically) Tell them where trapped here and we need a them to come pick us up! Fran: Speedy get lost! Speedy: But I'm scared!! I need HELP! N: Now thats the statement of the year... Francine: Shut up Speedy and go back under the table! (back on the phone) Sorry about that, may ask who's speaking? Voice:(in a very deep voice) Hello there how are you? Fran: Fine who is this? Voice: Aren't you afraid of the storm? Speedy: (On the other line) I am sir! Fran: Speedy go away! Speedy: Can you pick me up, I'll pay you five cents! Voice: Well Speedy I'm already here.... Speedy: How convenient! Fran: Speedy for the last time shut your mouth! Excuse me sir but I didn't catch your name, do you want a pizza or something cause we're kinda closed for the night. Voice: Can I have my pizza sliced..... Fran: Sir I just said.. Voice: Diced... Fran: Sir.... Voice: Chopped into tiny pieces..... Fran: Sir I'm afraid where not open right now and we don't serve our pizza in tiny pieces but do call again when we're open, bye bye! Voice: Don't hang up... (slams the phone on the hook) Polly: (Getting up of the floor) Who was that Fran? Guido: I can't feel my neck, must you strangle so hard girl?!! Polly: There isn't any other way! Speedy: That was my ride until Fran was so rude! Fran: Me! That guy was creepy, how would he even know Speedy's name? Speedy: Well I am famous. (phone rings) Polly: I'll get it this time, your just being paranoid Fran. Voice: Hello cutie... Polly: Who is this? Voice: You look lovely tonight....Polly (hangs up) Polly: Someones prank calling us I just hate it when people do that! Speedy: But you do it all the time. Polly: Well it's funny when I do it. Fran: The man on the phone, he's scary isn't he? Polly: He knew my name as well. Fran: Oh my God are dating a really scary guy or something? Polly: No.... Guido: Please she's not dating anyone except those guys on the 900 numbers! Polly: I'll slap you silly! Guido: AAAHH! (phone rings) Speedy: It's time that guy spoke to a real man..ah..cat! Polly: Big brave Speedy to rescue. Speedy: You'll see! I'll scare that guy all the way to Mexico with my wit and courage! (picks up the phone) Voice: I'm coming.....to kill you. Speedy:(Hangs up) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! LOCK THE DOORS HE'S COMING TO KILL US!! Fran: Where all going to DIE! Polly: I'll say it again, big brave Speedy to the rescue. Guido: Nice try Speedy... Speedy: Huh? Guido: Someones trying to kill us my butt! Speedy: No fooling that's what he said, now we need food, car keys, money, video games.... Fran: Where are we going? Speedy: Anywhere but here. I'm leaving myself, storm or no storm, with or without your help, the time to talk me out of it is now! Polly: Speedy, Al said to stay here or we could get fired! Speedy: Well it's your funeral Polly, I'm out of here!(goes outside to his car) Fran: I'm leaving to, I can't die before that big sale tomorrow (goes with Speedy) Guido: Good for you Polly. I'm proud that you have decided to stand up for yourself and follow orders and stay at the parlor with me and not risk loosing your job over a silly idea like a stalker coming to kill us! Polly: (On her way out the door) Fran, Speedy wait for me I want to live to! Guido: I just said that great line for nothing? Well at least the narrator not's scared. N: I just recalled, I'm late for a......ah......dinner thing...with....ah..my my wife! Yes, well I'll see you tomorrow Guido if you still around by then. Gudio: But your not married! Well fine go you scardy cat's, I guess I'm the only smart guy here, literally. (A dark figure appears at the front door holding up a shiny object) Guido: (Looking at the figure curiously) Speedy is that you....? (Meanwhile Speedy, Polly and Fran are lost down a dark mysterious road) Speedy: (Holding the map upside-down while driving) Now let's see, if we take a turn here......then left there...then north...then anti-clockwise around here.... Polly and Fran: SPEEDY WATCH OUT FOR THAT ROCK! Speedy: (Swerves to the right) It's okay I just missed it. And that wasn't my fault that rock was clearing jay walking! Fran: The storms so windy, it's probably blown all kinds of thing into the road. Polly: I just hope we did the right thing by leaving Guido all by himself. Speedy: He'll be fine he's a big boy, now back to the map... Polly and Fran: SPEEDY WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE! Speedy: (swerves to the left) It's okay everyone I just missed that to, your forgeting what a cautious driver I am! Polly: Well at the moment you have us completely lost Mr Wonderful driver, are you sure that maps correct? Speedy: You know what theres something funny going on with this map.. Polly: You mean theres something funny going on in your brain! Fran: Maybe because it's upside-down and because it's a map of Jamaica! Polly: (annoyed) SPEEDY! Speedy: Well it's dark in here, it could of happened to anyone! Polly and Fran: SPEEDY WATCH OUT FOR GUIDO! Speedy: Huh? Polly and Fran: STOP THE CAR, STOP THE CAR! (Speedy brakes inches away from Guido) Speedy: (getting out of the car) Guido are you crazy! What are you doing standing in the middle of the road like that rock and that tree! (Guido collapses finding it hard to speak) Polly:(running towards him) Oh my God he looks scared to death and injured, what happened Guido speak to me?!!!! (shaking a delirious Guido back and forth) Fran:(shouting from the car) Careful Polly don't kill him, somethimes you don't know your own strength! Speedy: What do you think happened to him? Polly: Who cares right now just get him into the car! (Speedy and Polly lift Guido into the backseat with Fran) Fran: Do you think it was the psycho man on the phone that did this to him? Polly: Fran don't scare Speedy. Speedy:(trying to start the a the car) Yeah Fran don't scare me, it's a stupid notion anyway. Polly: Great Speedy with you fantastic road direction will get Guido home in no time I'm sure! Speedy: Do you want to drive? Polly: I'd love to. Speedy: In your dreams it's my car! Fran: Then can you guys explain why Guido was wondering around in the road? Speedy: Who knows, you know Guido does silly things. (frustrated) THE CAR WILL NOT START!! Polly: Here we go total chaos! Hang in there Guido. Guido: (pointing in front of him) Hubba jubba! Polly: What do you know, it talks. Guido: UJA BUJA! Fran: Huh? The poor thing must of hit his head. Speedy:(Terrified) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Polly: Now what! Fran: OH #$%*!@^!! (Everyone looks to the front of the car where the same dark figure is staring at them through a mask) Masked man: Good evening folks...... Polly: IT'S HIM!! IT'S THE GUY FROM THE PHONE!! I RECOGNISE THAT SEAN CONNERY VOICE ANYWHERE! Speedy: (sounding like a petrified little girl) I hope he's more friendly in person... (The masked man pulls out a giant blade from his pocket) Speedy: Why did he have to do THAT! Masked Man: Not only do I enjoy my pizzas in tiny pieces, but I do like my victums chopped that way to,(In an evil laughter) HA HA HA HA HA AH AH AH AH! (jumps ontop of the car and starts stabbing the roof madly causing everyone to panic) Speedy:(Shaking) What do I do, WHAT DO I DO!! Polly and Fran:(Panicing) Start the car, START THE CAR!! Speedy: I can't, I CAN'T!! Guido: (struggling to talk) He...try..e..d...t.o...ki..ll..m..e.. Polly: (disturbed) Really how intersesting! That's really helpful to know at this point Guido! Fran: I told you guys he was coming to kill us! Speedy: (Incerdibly sacastic) Oh your right Fran! I must owe you a coffee! I guess I just didn't feel like being CHOPPED UP INTO TINY PIECES TODAY!! (The knife continues to stab holes in the car) Speedy:(looking drunk) I feel sick...(faints head first onto the car horn) Polly: (blocking her ears) Terrific! Francine: (screaming) The psycho's locked us in, HOW DO WE GET OUT! (The masked man jumps down off the car besideds Polly's window and smashes his hand through the glass to grab her) Polly and Fran: HEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Masked Man: Today you meet your FATE! (getting ready to stab her) Polly:(Trying to undo her seatbelt) AAAAAHHHHH! How about next Tuesday! Fran: (still trying to get out) This is it Polly, it was nice knowing you! Polly: (sounding doughtful) Your a good friend Fran, you too Guido and Speedy, if the jerk can hear me... Polly and Fran: HHHHHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!! Guido:(from the back seat) SUPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Polly and Fran: Huh?! Masked Man: (In a more quirky voice) So, you wanted to know my name? Well you may remember me as trustworthy Guru Lou! Hehehehe! Francine: Guru Lou?!!! Polly: What's going on?!!! Guido: (Getting out of the car) HA HA HA HA ! We had you guys so fooled! The stalker, the phone calls, the missing people, me being attacked! You should have seen your faces they were pricless!!(trying to contain himself with laughter) Guru Lou: (Laughing) Truley a Kodac moment! Fran: Are you saying this was a JOKE?!! Polly: (Getting out of the car) Trustworthy indeed!(mad) We thought we were going to DIE!!! Fran: And that's not very FUNNY! Guido and Guru Lou: (histerical) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fran:(Getting out of the car) Excuse me I just said that wasn't FUNNY!! Guido: Well look on the bright side! At least the storms cleared up! I guess will have to walk home cause I put a hole in Speedy's gas tank so you guys wouldn't be able to start it. Boy did that make you freak! Polly: Oh yes Speedy will be so thrilled to hear that news about his car! And he will also love that smashed window and all those holes in the roof and sides. Havn't you ever heard of going to far?!!! Fran: So I suppose Al was in on this... Guru Lou: Practically the whole Palace played a part! Hehehehehehe! It was like a real neat sitcom! Fran:(mad) I don't belive you guys could DO THIS TO US! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO POOR SPEEDY! Polly: (holding up a fist) You two are going to pay so bad...... Guru Lou: Well you deserved it! After that little prank you guy's pulled on me and Guido last halloween. I decied to get you all early before I go to Mongolia this weekend. Polly: Mongolia? Fran: Ah c'mon! That was nothing compared to this. This was MURDER! I could of had a heart attack! Who would have paid the WAGES?!! Guido: I don't think it's very funny when the whole of Little Tokyo thinks me and Lou are gay! Especially me, for once girls were avoiding me for a date! Polly: Well I'm sure you could have asked a guy out instead! Guru Lou: But he's not gay! Guido: I'm not gay, Lou's not gay! Guru Lou: I'm not gay! No ones gay! N: Well I've had my thoughts about Speedy.. Polly: Guys if gay's what you go for then there's nothing to be ashamed of. Guru Lou and Guido: BUT WE'RE NOT GAY! Polly: I'm just saying if you were you two would make a great couple! Guido: (Grabing Polly by the shoulders and pulling him towards his face) Now listen very carefully, for the last time nobody is GAY!!! I'm personaly attracted to females not males, understood?!! Polly: (Noticing how Guido's holding her) Does that mean your attracted to me Mr Lady's man? Guido: (blushing) I ya....ah....well.....ah...you..ah..me..ah..DON'T TEASE ME POLLY!! Polly: (giving him a pinch on the backside) Okay sweety buns!! Fran: Hey just wondering, how did you get in the middle of the road so fast? We must have been miles away from the parlor? Guido: No you weren't you driving around in cicles, which made the prank run smoothly! (pointiong to the Pizza Parlor behind him) Fran: Well what do you know! Polly: Speedy and his map of Jamacia! Fran: Speaking of Speedy.....(Everyone looks at Speedy who still had his head against the horn) Guru Lou: Leave this to me, I'll snap him out of it. Polly: Are you sure, he looks kinda cute drooling on that horn. (Lou pulls Speedy out of the car and splashes water on his face) Speedy: Cough! Ah....what happened? Polly: You being murdered, that's about it. Speedy: God you right! Am I still alive?!! Fran: Of course you are it was just Guru Lou! Speedy: You mean...he's the killer?!! Polly: No you see.. Speedy: (interupting her) AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Stay away from me you mad FIEND! I still have a contract saying I have 3 more years on this show!! Your crazy if you think you can kill me, the STAR! Guru: I really need to get you some herbal medication for that fear problem you have there Speedy, never have I seen a super hero faint while on the job. You'll be a puppet on Seasame Street if you don't stop acting like such a wimp! Speedy: (flabergasted) YOUR INSANE! I was being KILLED! By YOU apparently, and I could have DIED! Passed AWAY! GONE! I'm going to talk to my agent about all this pressure.... Guido: Speedy it was just a JOKE, no ones killing anyone. Fran: Yeah relax! Speedy: A joke? WHAT DO YOU MEAN A JOKE???!!!!!! Polly: We will explain it to you on the way home, and when we get home I'm going to get my frying pan and HIT THOSE TWO PRANKTERS SO HARD THEIR CHILDRENS CHILDRENS CHILDRENS ARE GOING TO FEEL IT!!!!!!! Guido and Guru Lou: RUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!! (Guido and Guru Lou disappear into the horizon as a raging Polly runs after them throwing rocks) Speedy: Well I guess I'll drive you home Fran. Fran: (eyeing the beaten up car) Ah, Speedy... Speedy: (Trying to remain calm) Fran.... Fran: Yes Speedy? Speedy: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CAR!!!!!!!!! THE END *If you want to tell me how wonderful this fan-fic was or just bitch at me about how much you thought it sucked, then please feel free to e-mail me at leisha@curie.dialix.com.au :)