CONSPIRACY OF SPEEDY CERVICHE: PART THREE BY KAT* N: It's time for Part Three of the "Conspiracy of why I didn't take that job offer to be a masseuse on Baywatch". Fran: "AHEM!" Narrator! Your getting side tracked again. N: (embarressed) Well...you get my drift... Fran: Uh huh. Try sticking to de-caff coffee in the mornings next time.. N: Since when did she get so smart!?...ANY HOO! Our first scene is situated back at the Palace where Francine has unexpectedly bumped into Al.... Al: (suprised to see her) Francine what are you doing here?! Where are the others?! Fran: (frustrated) I'm trying to find Princess Vi and Guido and Polly are trying to find Speedy ...he's been missing for a few hours now. Last time he was missing this long we found him stuck in a revolving door! Al: (very concerned) Speedy's missing!?? How did this happen?! Fran: Some alien crazed protesting group chased him away. Al: DAMN! The D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S!! Fran: The "doabzais"? Al: (explains) Badbird and Jerry Attric formed a group against Speedy..but never mind that now! We have a serious problem in the making! Fran: I know! I think all this humidity is making my hair flat! Al: (uninterested) What I MEANT is that Big Cheese is setting up the ray gun to kill Speedy! Fran: Well I suppose that could ALSO be a serious problem.. Al: (continuing) And Vi is actually letting him do it! If only we new where Speedy was..he must stay away from the Palace at all COSTS!!! (As if on cue, Speedy himself runs down the hall looking hurt and out of breath) Fran: Well so much for that idea... Speedy: (speaking very fast) Al, FRAN!! I'm so happy to see YOU!!! A religous group, possibly working for the Producers, have been chasing me all around town so I came straight to the Palace to talk to Vi AND-! Al: (hushing him) WE KNOW SPEEDY! Settle down! And you definitely don't want to see Princess Vi right now... Speedy: WHY?! Al: She's ordered you to be decapitated! Speedy: (panicky) Then why are you just standing around THEN LIKE THAT! HIDE ME! Shuv me in the safe and throw away THE KEY!!! N: That's the best idea he's had since tying Luciel to the tree outside writers house! Al: Actually I was thinking about far more practical methods to help you Speedy. Since the whole town are claiming your the worst thing since canned Spam it would be hopeless to try and convince them of your true identity. The only way to save you is to get through to Princess Vi some how... Speedy: Get through to Princess VI!!?? We may as well go to the funeral shop early and start discussing whether I want velvet or satin lining in my coffin...I wonder if they have a two for onedeal..? Fran: (very annoyed) Stop jerking around this is serious!! Speedy: (extremely fearful) BUT PRINCESS VI IS GOING TO KILL ME AND WANT A FANCY FUNERAL! Al: (hushing them) ALRIGHT! That's enough you two! I think Speedy should hide for now until I can find Guido and Polly and figure what to do. (notices Speedy trembling) Everything's going to be fine Speedy! We'll all be rehearsing for tomorrow's show before you know it! Speedy: (sarcastic) Of course! THE NEXT SHOW! Where I'll probably be crushed by a giant robot or thrown into a big HOLE!! That makes me feel BETTER! Al: (irritated) Just start heading down that hall Speedy and stop yelling! There's a bathroom on the right where you can keep out of sight. You'll be safe there I promise.....(turns to Fran) Do you want to come?? Fran: As tempting as that sounds, I was thinking I could help by talking to Princess Vi. I have some information with me that might help with Speedy...I mean as soon as she's convinced Speedy is not an alien everything will be okay, right? Al: (nodds) I suppose your right. Very well then, you can try if you think your up to it. She's in her room modeling Wedding dresses from the Versache Warehouse... Fran: (turning red) Versache?! VERSACHE?! GOD! She couldn't get a RENTAL!? Al: (concerned) Are you sure you don't want to come with us? Fran: NO! Go ahead! Don't mind me..(mocking) I mean I reeeeally want to see those wedding dresses ..(under her breath)..and cover them with this mornings CORN FLAKES! (Change scene to Badbird and Jerry Attric) BB: (talking on his mobile phone) NOW!?..Here???..Are you sure?..But HOW??!..WHEN??..And I am not asking to many QUESTIONS!!..fine..we'll check, cya.." (hangs up) Jerry: (standing by a window with binoculars) What's happening? BB: The D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S just rang to tell me that they didn't get a chance to capture Speedy but apparently he's here anyway! And I believe them... Jerry: But how could that possibly be!? I've been standing watch for an hour! BB: That's my point. Jerry: I don't understand? BB: When you were suppose to be looking out for the tax collector you thought he was a singing TELEGRAM! Where going to be paying bills till next labor day thanks TO YOU! Jerry: They both wear the same leather shoes it could of happened to ANYONE! (Suddenly a ninja crow storms in through the door) Ninja Crow: (panicky) BOSS!! We just picked something on the secret CAMERA'S! You better take a look...! BB: (suspicious) You guys haven't been spying on Princess Vi in her changing room again have you...? Ninja Crow: (with a smirk)...Well..ahh...YEAH! Jerry: (worried) You crows should stop that! We could all get sued! Not to mention that Princess Vi doesn't even know about the video monitor room for the secret cameras we secretly built last summer... BB: (amused) I know! We told her we were putting in central heating. When it's winter she's swears she can feel the difference!! Ninja Crow: (continues to talk to Badbird anxiously) And get this BOSS! We also found Speedy right here hiding in the Palace Bathroom!! BB: Ah HA! (looks at Jerry) I told you he's HERE!!! Jerry: (grumpy) He must have taken the back entrance because he definitely didn't go past ME! BB: There is NO BACK ENTRANCE!! Jerry: (agitated) Well what is he doing in the bathroom anyway?! Ninja Crow: When you gotta go you gotta go.. (Meanwhile inside Vi's room, a dressmaker work endlessly to find the perfect dress) Vi: TIGHTER! Dressmaker: (pulling the chords on Vi's corset) But Princess Vi... Vi: (shouting) I SAID TIGHTER!!! Your not leaving till I get the waistline of KATE MOSS!! Dressmaker: (with a look of concern) Okay then.....(pulls the chords so tight that Vi's waist line is now the size of her wrist)...how's that?? Vi: (hardly able to breath)...Too TIGHT!! (Fran knocks at the door) Vi: Oh of all the..(in a frustrated tone) COME IN!!! Fran: (peeping round the door) Ahhh...excuse me your hinas but I have some information about Speedy Cerviche and I was hoping you would... Vi: (cutting in) Are you a reporter for that bridal documentary?? Fran: (confused) No I'm Francine Manx from the Pizza Parlor... Vi: THEN YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN MY ROOM!!! I have no care for Speedy Cerviche or pizza RIGHT NOW!!! ONLY WEDDING ISSUES!!! Fran: (desperate) But he's not really an ALIEN!! Big Cheese just made it UP!!! Vi: I DON'T CARE!!!....(distracted) OUCH! (looks at the dressmaker) YOU PINNED ME!!! Dressmaker: (gulp) Oops! I must have slipped.. Vi: Now I have a hole in my STOCKINGS!! I'M SENDING YOU TO PRISONER ISLAND!! Fran: (slowly walking away) I think I'll drop in later when she's in a better mood... N: So much for going home early then... (change scene to Speedy hiding in the bathroom, sitting in a tight ball in the empty spa..) Speedy: (talking to himself) I hope they don't mind me stealing a few of these smelly bath soaps! (Suddenly the door of the bathroom breaks down angrily) Jerry: (looking around) He doesn't seem to be here! (turns to Badbird behind him) Did you here what I said!? He is not HERE!!! I was right and you and your crows were WRONG!! HE NEVER CAME TO THE PALACE!! And if he did I would have SEEN HIM MYSELF!! But as you can all CLEARLY SEE HE IS NOT... Crow: (looking in the bath tub) Found him!! Jerry: WHAT!!? Speedy: (trying to fool them) I'm not Speedy...I'm a..I'm the new toilet RUG! Ninja Crow: (apologetic) Oh sorry about that! You didn't happen to see an alien cat running around here did you?? BB: (slaps the ninja crow) IDIOT! That talking toilet rug IS Speedy!! (looks at Jerry) Now what were you yelling about again?? Jerry: Well I was JUST about to say check the bath tub! Their always in the bath tub...! hehe...he.. (ninja crows try to grab Speedy) Speedy: (pulling out his sword in defense) Oh NO YOU DON'T! I'm not going to any Council Chamber! I haven't done anything wrong and you know IT!! BB: Yes you have!! You put cat hair all over Princess Vi's bath tub!! That's a criminal OFFENSE!! Jerry: (stating the obvious) Badbird that's not what he means... BB: Huh? Jerry: The alien thing STUPID... BB: (understands) OH! Speedy: That's right! If you think you have the right to spread fake conspiracies around the town and make a career as the next Chris Carter THINK AGAIN!! BB: (amused) Well of course I have no right! I'm THE CRIMINAL!!! And your going to be even shorter then you are now when Princess Vi cuts your ugly HEAD OFF WITH THE "ALIEN DECAPITATOR"!! Speedy: (getting desperate) But the good guy always WINS!! BB: Well I don't know about you but I think it's time for a RE-WRITE!! Jerry: I've been saying that since we first aired.. BB: (Ordering his crows) Get the alien out of Princess Vi's bathroom NOW!! Speedy: (being dragged off by a bunch of Ninja Crows) YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!! When my publicist finds out about this mess she'll have YOUR head BADBIRD!! WHICH IS TEN TIMES AS UGLY AS MINE!! (As Speedy departs the room, Badbird whispers something to Jerry) BB: Call an emergency meeting in the Council Chambers and make sure you get Princess Vi in there! When she finds out the "alien" is here she'll throw a tantrum that will wake up everyone sleeping in Sweden! Jerry: Why do I have to baby-sit HIM!? Where will you be...? BB: You know Princess Vi can't see me! On account of the...you know.. Jerry: She's sickly in love with you?? For some odd reason.. BB: Exactly! So go in there and get the job done...I'll be watching the whole thing on the video monitor... Jerry: (under his breath) Badbird gets to watch TV and Cheesy gets to go plant shopping? Do I ever get the BREAK!! (change scene to Council Chambers where a meeting has been called) Council Member #1: Do you know what this emergency meeting is all about?? Council Member #2: (yawn) I don't know. But I hope it's not like the last one they called when Princess Vi sprayed deodorant in her hair instead of hairspray.. Vi: We have been called here tonight for an emergency meeting due to the "alien" development...(suddenly cranky)..and it better be worth my TIME BECAUSE THIS IS THE TIME I APPLY MY AVOCADO NIGHT MASK!! Jerry: (casually) Oh I wouldn't worry about that your hinas, Big Cheese already stole it and Badbird spread some on his club sandwich... Vi: (outraged) They did WHAT!!! Jerry: Ah...anyway back to the POINT! (Ninja crows bring a struggling Speedy in and tie him to a chair) Speedy: (very angry) I'M REPORTING THIS TO THE R.S.P.C.A!! Vi: SILEEENCE!!!!! That alien is speaking some foreign language that I can not TOLERATE!! Speedy: (speaking clearly) But Princess Vi I'm not a -! Vi: (screaming) SILENCE!! Fred: FAR-AD! Vi: (puzzled) Hey where's Seymour? I thought he was incharge?! Jerry: Sorry your hinas but Big Cheese is...(embarrassed)...he's..discussing our case with the federal officials over Chinese food... Vi: (displeased) THAT LAZY WORM! Who does he think he is showing up to another meeting with FOOD!!!! Fred: FAR-AD! Vi: YOU TELL'EM DADDY!!! Speedy: (trying to talk again) For the last time I am NOT AN ALIEN!!! Vi: SILENCE ALIEN!!!! (pointing at Speedy) All this disturbance is going to cost you big TIME!! (turning to a ninja crow) BRING IN THE ALIEN DECAPITATOR!!! Speedy: (looking worrisome) This doesn't sound good... (a large gun is wheeled in and pointed at Speedy) Speedy: Yep...this is not GOOD! Jerry: (chuckling) I hope Badbird's getting a load of this! It will put him in a good mood for at least a week... (change scene to Badbird up in the video monitor room with a bag of butter-free popcorn) BB: (thrilled) AHAHAHAA! It's finally PAY DAY!!! And I also found a use for this popcorn I found behind the radiator! (back to the previous scene) Vi: (with her finger ready to flick the switch) ALIEN! Unless someone in this room can speak for you, I'm about to... N: (interrupting) And THEN! Bounding in from the halls beyond the PALACE-! Al: STOP!!! Vi: (getting very irritated) Who is THAT!!?? Al: It's me Al! Speedy: (cheerful) YAY! Al: (standing infront of Speedy) Speedy Cerviche not an alien. He is a respected member of the elite super hero community! N: All the more reason to kill him!! Speedy: (relieved) Oh thank God you came here Al! What took you so long?! Al: (talking back to Speedy) I had to buy a postage stamp..sorry about that..(continues to address Princess Vi) Please Princess Vi! Don't do this! If you do you would have killed an innocent civilian of EARTH!! Vi: Yeah whatever, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!! (puts her finger back on the switch) Speedy: Nice persuading Al. Maybe if you got here 10 MINUTES EARLIER WHEN THEY FOUND ME IN THE BATH TUB!!! Al: Bath tub? Vi: (still yapping about something) Since Al has no proof with him and because I really want to fry something... Speedy: Why don't you make toast...(under his breath)..if you can figure out how the toaster works..... Vi: SILENCE!!! (continues) I don't really care about useless details like who's an alien and who's NOT AN ALIEN!! I HAVE TO SHOOT SOMETHING!! (looks at Speedy who's heart is pounding) Now, unless no one else can speak for you, I'm going to... N: (interrupting) And THEN! Bounding in from halls beyond PALACE-! Guido: HOLD ON A SECOND!! Polly: (runs in after him) DON'T DO A THING WITHOUT US!! Vi: NOT AGAIN!!! (very angry) Would the director PLEASE STOP QUEUING PEOPLE IN BETWEEN MY BIG SCENE!! Speedy: (over-joyed) IT'S POLLY AND GUIDO!! Oh I've never been so happy to see two people in my entire life! My true wonderful FRIENDS!! They'll tell everyone who I really am you'll see! I'M SAVED!! Guido: (accusingly) Speedy Cerviche is an alien! Polly: And I LIER!! We've got all the DIRT!! Speedy: (incredibly insulted) YOU TRAITORS!! (turns to Al) I never liked them anyway... Al: (talking to Guido and Polly) What the hell do you two think your doing?! Trying to convince Princess Vi into 1st degree MURDER!!?? Guido: (continues to accuse Speedy) He parked his spaceship in a BUS ZONE!!! Jerry: Spaceship?? Vi: (very intrigued) There's a whole spaceship??!! (up in the video monitor room) BB: (even more confused) What is he talking about?!! Spaceship?! (back to the assembly) Speedy: (in an odd tone) What spaceship?! You don't mean my Volvo do you..? N: Well that piece of machinery does look like it's from another planet... Guido: And he's planning an invasion to take over the world and imprison our entire population in coal minds on another planet where we won't be allowed to DATE!! Polly: And he LIED TO ME!!! Speedy: (trying to get there attention) What are you guys TALKING ABOUT!!?? I leave you two alone for a few hours and your hallucinating about SPACESHIPS!? And you wonder why your the SIDEKICKS!!! Polly: (extremely angry) Shut it WIDGET!! (walking up close to Speedy) You lead me on you little SNEAK!! Made me think you were an earth BOY!!! Speedy: But Polly I'm very earthy! I even use Herbal Essences shampoo!! Polly: STOP LYING!! You've lied ENOUGH!! And to think I even considered..I even felt..(turns away) Never mind...I JUST HATE YOU! (kicks him in the shin) Speedy: (hopping up and down in his chair) OOOOOWWWWWW!!! Vi: (feeling left out) SILENCE! (standing on her chair to look more noticeable) I'M THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON HERE! I ALREADY KNOW HE'S AN ALIEN!!! (looking at Polly and Guido) And I especially don't need you two coming in AND STEALING MY LUMBAR!!! Council Member #1: (correcting her) Umm...that's "thunder" your hinas... (whole room laughs out loud) Vi: (fuming) I'M SENDING YOU TO PRISONER ISLAND!!!! Council Member #1: (being dragged off by guards) Looks like it's back to unemployment for me... Vi: And NOW..(finger back on the switch)..once again..and for the final time before I kill everyone in this room...I'M GOING TO....! N: And THEN! Bounding in from the halls beyond the PALACE-! Fran: (anxiously) WAIT!! Vi: Oh NOOO...(very fed up)...NOT THIS TIME!! Fran: Princess PLEASE!! Before you make a really big mistake, I think you should look at this!! (holds up a plastic sleeve folder) Jerry: (looking at the folder) Hmm, why does that ring a bell.. Fran: This is a copy of the printed material Big Cheese and his clan of crows used to frame SPEEDY!! (hands Vi the booklet) Jerry: (feeling faint) Oh crap... (room falls silent as Vi reads the notes) Vi: (shocked) She's right! They framed him! Speedy's not an alien afterall...! (Al unties Speedy from his chair) Speedy: (totally relieved) Those are the five best words I've ever heard in my entire LIFE! (imitating Vi) "Speedy's not an alien afterall"! (screaming in Jerry's face sarcastically) Did you HEAR THAT BIRDIE! "Speedy's not an alien AFTERALL!" DID YOU-! Vi: (annoyed) SILENCE!!! Speedy: I've had my moment... Vi: And as the honorary Princess of Little Tokyo I command that all accusations against Speedy Cerviche are to desist IMMEDIATELY! Fran: (clapping with joy!) It's about time! Speedy: (very happy) I KNOW!! Fran: Now you can get back to WORK!! (expects him to be excited) Speedy: (pretending to grin) Yes..goody.. Council member #2: (asking Princess Vi a question) What should we do with the D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S?? Vi: Well they are cameos... N: She's right. They should just put them back on the street corner outside the studio where we found them.. Vi: (suddenly discovers something else in the folder) What are these blue prints for a video monitor room doing in here...??? (observes them closer) They look like there designed to suit MY Palace! Jerry: (with his hand to his ear) I do believe I just heard Cheesy come in through the front door! YES! He might need some help turning the knob!..(runs off quickly followed by the Ninja Crows) Fran: (to Vi) Maybe you should look through that air vent on the top floor your hinas...the one where they installed the "central heating"... Vi: (already on her way out the door) I think I will go check it out! I've always thought I could hear something up there...(leaves the room with Fred and Council members running after her) Speedy: (runs up to Fran joyously and gives her a hug) THANKS FRANCINE!! I don't know how I can repay you! (thinking) WAIT! I know!! I promise I'll a wash my hands before I make the Pizza meals from now on! Fran: (suffocating) Okay Speedy..(suddenly realizes what he just said) Hey..what do you mean you promise to wash your hands from NOW on..? Speedy: And to think! I thought you were just pretending to help me as a way of destroying Buckey and Princess Vi's wedding plans! Fran: (in a sympathetic voice) Oh Speedy! Gosh! How could you even imagine something like that... N: Well actually Francine proved she is a woman of many hidden talents.. (change scene to the video monitor room where Princess Vi has broken in.) Vi: Hey...(looking around)...where's all the padding in the walls?! I thought this was CENTRAL HEATING!! It's looks like a TV STATION!!! IN MY ROOF?! BB: (alarmed) Princess VI??! What are you doing HERE?!! (trying to hide his face) Vi: (with love hearts suddenly swimming around her head) IT'S YOU!! The guy from the baseball game! MY FANTASY!!! BB: OH GOD! (feeling ill) Now remember your hinas...you are about to be married..! Vi: What you mean to Bambie!? Get real! Now that I found you again, it's looks like I'LL BE HAVING A CHANGE OF PLANS! (starts to chase a screaming Badbird around the room) BB: SOMEBODY HELP ME! SHE'S GONE PSYCHO! Vi: OH you say the sweetest THINGS!! (Back to previous scene. Speedy walks over to Al and also gives him a hug) Speedy: Thankyou to AL!! For always believing in me!! Al: (embarrassed) Ah geez...You don't have to hug me Speedy.. Speedy: YES I DO!!! Al: No you don't... Speedy: YES I DO!! Al: NO..(pushes him away)..you DON'T... (Speedy now walks over to Polly and Guido who have been standing quietly in the corner..) Speedy: (with a change of tone) And as for you two..what have you got to say for yourselves? Guido and Polly: (speaking over the top of eachother) Guido talked me into it!..Polly was the one who said the spaceship was real!..Well he found the spaceship!..She's so stupid she thought it was one of those new government trains!..Guido I never said that! Besides you were the one who thought the whole WHAM thing was creepy!..You found that CD! I said the spaceship was from Star Wars!!..YUK! Don't breath on me! You have onion breath!..WHAT?! N: I think this is evidence that Guido and Polly have spent waaay to much time together, and as co-stars they should reduce this. Or we could just put them on Jerry Springer and make a whole lot of dough!...Did I mention Big Cheese just arrived back from his plant hunt?! BC: (beaming) OH JERRY!! I found the cutest little posy in some senile woman's back yard! I called it FRENCHIE!! Jerry: (nervous) Terrific BOSS! Way to GO! BC: So! Has Princess Vi killed the alien yet?! I brought some champagne to celebrate!! N: I think you can guess what happens next. Big Cheese had his usual blow up causing "Frenchie" to be his 5th house plant to perish. So! I suppose that wraps things up.. Speedy: But there's still 2 minutes left. N: Well get on with IT! Speedy: Geez what a grouch! We outta put him on Jerry Springer! Polly: (approaching Speedy) Sorry about the whole alien thing Speedy.. Speedy: That's okay Poll! Don't worry about it. I just want to forget that today ever happened... and have a word with the producers. Polly: (hugs him tightly) Just don't scare me like that again! Speedy: (smiles) Don't worry about that.. Guido: About that spacecraft Cheese built (to Polly) you gotta admit that was pretty cool! Fran: (intrigued) Big Cheese never built a spaceship silly! Guido: What do you mean? Al: (agrees) I believe she's right. Fran: I looked through his personal files and there was nothing about a spaceship! HE couldn't afford it anyway. You know that! Guido: (looking at Polly) But..? Polly: (looking at Guido) Then..? Speedy: Are you guys sure you just didn't see my Volvo?! N: FINALLY! We end today's show in a mystery never to be solved. Was it Speedy's joke of a vehicle?...or was it something else?! I couldn't care less so I'm going home. BYE! (Outside the Palace a giant UFO can be seen flying up into the night sky heading towards space.) THE END. Comments to leisha@curie.dialix.com.au :)!