CONSPIRACY OF SPEEDY CERVICHE: PART TWO BY KAT* N: Welcome back to the second half of the "Conspiracy of Speedy Cerviche".....but I'll tell you the REAL conspiracy and that is why the hell am I still working here?! Guido: Because you can't pay the rent on a doormat's salary? N:...He actually has a point. How irritating...So I suppose that's my cue to continue this exciting story from where we left it! Polly, Speedy, Fran and Guido have finally entered Speedy's house and are searching through his desk for information that might clear him of being an alien......provocative so far huh?! Speedy: (looking through sheets of paper)...Find anything guys? Polly: (looking in draws)..I found dust! Fran: (searching through a file cabinet)....I found Fantastic 4 comics! Guido: (giggling) And I found your WHAM CD!! Speedy: (blushing) My, MY! How did that get THERE..hehe! My cleaning lady must have forgot it! Fran: But Speedy, you don't have a.. Speedy: (but before she could finish..) SHUT UP!!! Guido: Hey I got you that CD for your 21st! I even got your initials on the cover like you asked! Speedy: (irritated) I SAID SHUT UP!!! Polly: (bringing some papers over to Speedy) Well I didn't find much! Except this photo of you and your "real" parents while vacationing in Istanbul. Speedy: (thinking back) Aaaah yes! Istanbul! What a trip that WAS!!...Except when I got sent to that military camp for touching the sacred cow... Fran: If we went back to the Palace it might be more useful.... Polly: (confused) Why would we go back? Fran: Maybe we can get a chance to talk to Al or Princess Vi, or even get our hands on some secret information! That will clear Speedy's name for sure! Guido: (shaking his head) Nah! That's a stupid idea. The practical thing to do is stay right here! Plus Speedy's bathroom is only next door, and with the Palace bathroom you gotta walk up all those stairs and.. Polly: (angry) GUIDO! Can you stop thinking about bathroom convenience for one moment in your LIFE!! Guido: (shocked) But Polly! Did you know that one in five people do not wash their hands after using bathroom facilities!? Hygiene is so very.. Polly: (slaps him on the head) GUIDO!!! Do you want to be home by dinner TIME!!!?? Guido: (in pain)...yes mam'! Polly: Then get your tail down to the PALACE!! NOOOW!!!!!! Speedy: (timidly) Ummm...could I get changed?? Polly: (still mad) NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Speedy: Ah HELL! (kicks the wall in rejection) N: Speaking of the Palace, Big Cheese is doing his part to capture the "alien"... BC: (Sitting outside the front door of the Palace reading the latest issue of Catnopoliton magazine in the sun!) My goodness! There are some very helpful hair removal tips in here!! (Jerry Attric comes out the front door) BC: (sounding anxious) JERRY! Listen do you think my facial structure would look good with Cameron Diaz's eyebrows?? Jerry: (puzzled) Cheesy, when you told the Princess you were going to spend the rest of the day searching for the alien in town, were you high on Vitamin C? BC: (suprised) Jerry don't be SILLY!! Besides by now you should know that I never do the dirty work myself!! Just get a bunch of Ninja Crows to go find Speedy! I have more important things to take care OF!! Jerry: Such as... BC: Well this eyebrow thing is really bugging me.... Jerry: (not amused) I'll go notify Bad Bird with the NEW orders... BC: That will work out great because your blocking my SUN! N: As the Big Cheese is continuing to be model villain for children everywhere, Guido, Francine, Speedy and Polly are on their merry way to the Palace... Speedy: (struggling in his heels) Why do we have to do this on foot?! The producers could have had the decency to rent a car for this scene... Fran: Producers look down on actors. Their like lord masters of the Network.. Speedy: (muttering to himself) Stupid cheap SONS A.... N: But before Speedy could put himself in a position to be fired, a protester that resembles the singer David Bowie and who HAPPENS to be a supporter for the newly built society of the D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S (Defenders of Alien Beings, Zombies and Insurance Salesmen) has spotted our HEROES! Protester #1: (pointing at Speedy accusingly) HEY! That's the alien DUDE! THAT'S HIM! And he's used outer-galactic powers to transform himself into a real ugly CHICK!! (On cue, about 60 angry protesters appear over the horizon carrying signs and clubs) Protester #2: (waving his club fiercely) It's true, THE ALIEN IS HERE! The one they call Speedy! Kill it before it eats all the CHILDREN! Speedy: (makes the "sign of the cross") May the Lord give me strength.... Guido: (gulp) Yeah strength to RUN!!! Polly: Quick Speedy get out OF HERE!! Protesters: (charging forward) KILL IT!!! KILL IT!!! Speedy: (bolting in the opposite direction) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!! I'M NOT AN ALIEN I SWEAR!!!! I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE E.T!! N: But Speedy was wasting his breath, as he commonly does. The crowd was swept up in so much dramatic tension that they wouldn't hear him out. Now Speedy is out of sight and Polly, Guido and Francine are left to figure this one out on their own....in that case we could be in allot of trouble HERE... Polly: Poor Speedy! (concerned) We better follow them! He might need our help! He can't even run properly in those shoes! Not mention that the pavement has all those grooves in it... Fran: Can you even believe how insane this all is?! It just proves how gullible and stupid some people in this town are! Polly: Come on Fran...don't you think your overrating that comment a little bit? Guido: (concentrating on the floor) Check this out you GUYS! That pigeon poo looks like it's in the shape of NEVADA!! Quick give us a camera..! Polly: (unimpressed) FINE! Everyone's an IDIOT!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR??!! N: In the mean time, back to our bay guys who are discussing the progress of their plan.... Jerry: Now are you absolutely sure Badbird..? BB: Of course I'm SURE! The leader of D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S called me just then on his mobile phone and told me specifically that Speedy was heading back towards the Pizza Parlor! I've decided to give them the duty of trying to capture him and bring him back to the Palace... Jerry: And this is a reliable source? BB: Who the leader or the phone company? Jerry: THE LEADER! BB: Well yeah, of course... Jerry: But isn't he the one the Narrator said looks like David Bowie? BB: I believe so... Jerry: Oh TERRIFIC!! We've put ourselves in the hands of a someone who's not quite male or female! BB: Don't forget we happen to work for a cross-dresser.... Jerry: BADBIRD!!! (very worried) Don't say things like that about Saban! He could be WATCHING!! Will all get our feathers PLUCKED! BB: (annoyed) No you PINHEAD! I meant SEYMOUR.....! Jerry: OH! Right! Of course....now I see your point... BB: Speaking of Big Cheese, we better go see when he wants to get the ray gun ready. Princess Vi is anxious to get this finished before the Wedding... N: On this notion, Badbird and Jerry Attric head towards the Big Cheese's room which looks like something out of the set of "Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert".. Jerry: (poking his head through Big Cheese's door)...Ah..Cheesy?? BC: WHAT!? (annoyed to see them) Oh no not YOU TWO AGAIN!! Why is it when ever I'm doing something that is incredibly vital like tanning or putting French nail paint on I get INTERRUPTED!!?? Jerry: (intrigued) Wait a minute....you only put French nail paint on to go out..! BB: Your not planning on going out now are you BOSS?! We were just about to get the ray gun READY!! BC: I can't be concerned about that kind of thing NOW! I'm in the middle of a CRISIS...! Jerry: You didn't spill nail varnish remover on the dresser again did you? BC: WORSE! Oh it's so awful JERRY!! (traumatized) GABIE DIED THIS MORNING!!! BB: (confused) Who is Gabie? Jerry: (in a casual tone) Cheesy's house plant... BB: (looks at Big Cheese with a stupid face) You named your HOUSE PLANT?! BC: (sobbing slightly) Gabie was a very important part of my LIFE!! Even though she only lasted two weeks. Now that she has passed on I must go out afternoon light and steal another one from some suckers back yard.. BB: (trying very hard not to raise his voice) But you can't just LEAVE!! Where in the middle of SOMETHING IMPORTANT!! BC: (suddenly realizes) Oh OF COURSE! The whole alien thingy! Well I don't see any problem with that development I mean we've been following the conspiracy manual with great care so far! We've mad a weapon, posters, a protest group...in fact I think we're ready for our story to be put on an episode of "The Extraordinary"...! Jerry: Yes but the manual suggests also that the leader must be present at all stages of the plan... BB: (whispering to Jerry) Does it really say that?? Jerry: (whispering back) I don't know! I haven't seen the manual since Part One! BC: (grabs his handbag and starts heading towards the door) I've already explained how I FEEL! I'm going out and that's that! Accept it! BB: YOU CAN'T DO THIS! BC: (traumatized) I CAN'T GO ON WITHOUT GABIE!!! (slams the door behind him) BB: (very angry) Is it just me or does he does he loose an inch off his brain every WEEK!!!?? Jerry: I'd say his exploding is finally have a physical effect. N: I agree! Blowing yourself up on a regular basis can't be good health wise, must have beans in his diet. Any how back to Francine, Polly and Guido who are still trying to think up what to do next without Speedy... Fran: (anxious) So are we still going back to the Palace?! Guido: We better not. I think we should do the noble thing and follow the protesters and see if we can give Speedy a hand... Polly: (agreeing) He needs more then that! Fran: Well.....why don't you two go help Speedy and I'll go to the Palace... Guido: Why the hell do you want to go to the Palace so much?! Do want to steal some of those free mints in the foyer again??? Polly: (on a different notion) This doesn't have something to do with Buckey does it? Fran: (nervous) NO! Where did you get that idea!? Polly: Maybe it was that little "I'M GOING TO VOMIT ON VI'S WEDDING DRESS!" comment you said a while back... Fran: Look! If I take the information with me it might help! Polly: You mean the Istanbul photo? Fran: Ahh....YEAH! Sure! It's all apart of my plan... Guido: (shocked) You have a plan? N: Every dog has her day... Fran: (proud) Yeah that's right I have a plan! The sidekick can have a plan if she wants... (looking devilish) Plus I think I'll get more screen time this way which means more money! Guido: You know Fran, money isn't the most important thing in the world.. Fran: (amused) What could possibly be more important then MONEY? Guido: (thinking) Geez, I don't know....world peace? Fran: Yeah like THAT'S going to pay for my new easy-bake oven! N: Does Francine want to go back to the Palace to help Speedy??! Or is it to satisfy her dreams of being the next soap opera queen by stealing the brides groom?? While all this nonsense is going on, Speedy has made a very effective defensive movement....hiding out in the Pizza Parlor! Speedy: (tired from running) Man do these shoes give you a back ache! No wonder woman are always so cranky.... N: Speedy has fooled the group of protesters for now...but for how LONG!?? Hopefully not TOO long so I can get home and watch the Football Game.. Speedy: I have got to get my life back together! I have to prove to everyone that I'm a normal average all round nice CAT! N: This coming from a guy who's wearing blue eye-shadow??? Speedy: WHO ASKED YOU!!! (ripping off his wig) Besides I was forced to dress this WAY! Now I'm more off an alien then I was before...but I'll show them ALL! The only person that can help Speedy out is SPEEDY!!....And my eye shadow is not blue it's aquamarine..! SO THERE! N: Since this infomation is not RELEVANT to our story, we return to Polly and Guido who are joyfully working together as they try to find which way the protesters went....the joys of TEAMWORK! Polly: We lost THEM! (outraged) THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!! Guido: ME!? We would have been just fine if we didn't stop to find your missing bobby pin for fifteen MINUTES! Polly: And I suppose trying to take pictures of bird poo is some kind of TRACKING DEVICE! Guido: (changing the subject) By the way do you believe that Fran really wanted to go back to the Palace for Speedy?? Polly: Who knows. She probably did go back for those mints.... Guido: (Suddenly distracted...) Hey...(staring in front of him)...what the hell is that? Polly: (looking in his direction) Looks like a bush. (sarcastic) Fascinating.. Guido: I mean behind the bush...! Polly: You mean the tree? Guido: Behind the tree... Polly: (really confused) You mean the bus stop? Guido: (frustrated) NO!!!! That shadow thing! What's your PROBLEM??! Polly: My problem is I'm stuck with a guy who has mash potato for brains searching the streets at night for a friend in woman's stockings and I'm only getting paid the bare minimum for IT! Guido: (unimpressed) You know the animators made a big mistake when they designed you with a MOUTH! Should of stuck at extra tail there or something..(pulls her arm) Now stop being such a female and come with me where I'll show you what I'm looking at real close so you don't miss it... Polly: (scrunching up her face) I don't want to go behind a dark scary bush with YOU! You might get ideas... (Guido ignores her remark and continues to pull her towards a huge round-ish shadow the size of a house) Polly: (nagging) Are we there yet? Guido: In a second.. Polly: Seconds up are we there YET?! Guido: (annoyed) SHUT UP! (All of a sudden the shadow becomes full visible and Guido and Polly stare in silence..) Polly: (bewildered) Oh my God...is that...is THAT..a Guido: Spaceship? N: Well it's not the 8:00 bus I'll tell you that! Polly: (unable to turn away) Where did it come form???! Guido: (wide-eyed) I'm guessing out of town.... Polly: Wait a minute...(turning to Guido)...this can't be real! Don't you get it this is all part of the set up towards Speedy! Big Cheese probably planted it here in hope that the protesters would notice...or us.. Guido: (unsure) I don't know Polly, it looks pretty expensive. It's very high tech stuff. Big Cheese hasn't been able to afford this kind of thing since the Christmas sales..! Polly: Be real Guido! He probably just pinched it from the new Star Wars movie set or something! That's the kind of thing everyone does when you have budget problems... Guido: (notices something) I think the doors open... Polly: Where..? Guido: (pointing) Over there, I can see a light on inside... Polly: (mocking) Might be a TV. Maybe the aliens are watching the Price Is Right.. Guido: You thinking what I'm thinking?? Polly: I don't think about dark open spaces. Guido: (challenging) I say you and me go inside and that way you can prove to me that this thing isn't real! Unless you think your bladder can't handle it.... Polly: (insulted) Hey I had the guts to be alone with you in the dark didn't I? This should be easy...(leads the way into the spaceship) ...and I'm sure they have a bathroom of some kind... N: As Polly and Guido descend the spaceship with mixed feelings, Speedy has taken that ridiculous but adorable outfit off and is back in fighting mode as he blasts himself of to the Palace! Son: (pointing at Speedy flying up above) How do you think Speedy took off all by himself Ma?! Ma: Oh that's probably just a stunt double Junior..I remember Speedy having a bigger chin then that. In fact I think that's Jackie Chan! Son: Good one Ma! Like we could get Jackie Chan! (Meanwhile, close by) Protester #1: (horrified) HOLY CRAP!! (pointing towards the sky) The alien dude has morphed back into a guy and now he's...he's..HE'S TOTALLY VERTICAL! Quick he could kill BIRDS! Protester #3: (confused) Huh?! Protester #2: (in amazement) He means he's FLYING!! (Suddenly, Speedy crashes heavily into a building) Speedy: (blocking his face) AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Protester #2: But not very well.. Speedy: (peeling himself off a wall)....I wish they did have the manners to make Jackie Chan my stunt DOUBLE! N: Look on the bright side! If it was Francine you might have landed in the cactus nursery again! Protester #2: (holding up a cross of his head) Stop oh evil ONE! Or look at my cross and be damned to the hell form whence you CAME! Speedy: (looking down at the protester with confusion) What the..? You guys better not be a religious group! Protester #1: (nudging protester #2) Ah dude...isn't that how you stop vampires?? Protester #2: (dumfounded) Okay NOW I'M CONFUSED! Protester #3: (holding up a fish net) Let's capture it in this and take him back to Badbird! Speedy: (after hearing what he said) Yeah that's just about the last person I want to see right now! And if they think I'm going to the Palace in a fish net then think AGAIN! (thinking logically) I have to get away from these wackos and get to the Palace by my own means of transport and then try and foil Big Cheeses PLANS! It's the only way to prove I'm not a science fiction CASE! N: Staying away from woman's make-up and clothing wouldn't hurt either.. Speedy: I already told I was made to do IT! The only way I'll wear woman's stuff again is for a good movie role and maybe Halloween! BUT THAT'S IT! N: Well he'll probably have to wait for Halloween because the last movie roll Speedy was offered was to be an elf extra in "All I want For Christmas". (starts climbing down the other side of the building away from the Protesters) Protester #3: It's getting away AGAIN!! AFTER IT!!! Protester #2: (still holding up his cross) DIE evil one DIE!!! Protester #1: (annoyed at Protester #2) I already told you that DOESN'T WORK ON ALIENS DUDE!! GIVE IT UP! N: As the Protesters continue the chase, Speedy keeps to his plan and heads for the Palace. Meanwhile Guido and Polly have entered the spaceship and have started to snoop around... Polly: (very worried) Guido this all looks very.....REAL! Guido: (admiring some huge computer gadget) I told you so! And to think you couldn't even see it...! Polly: SHUT UP GUIDO!!! (nervous) This is creeping me out... Guido: (trying to relax her) Come on Polly! You were probably right anyway! It's just a thing against Speedy... Polly: Well it's a pretty big THING don't you think?! (Guido and Polly enter some kind of control room and Polly finds something very disturbing on a near by bench...) Polly: (pale with fear as she holds something in her shaky hand) Guido....look at THIS.... Guido: (confused) Hey what is that??? Polly: (trembling) It's a WHAM CD Guido...just like the one in Speedy's HOUSE!!! Guido: (shaking his head) That's nothing to be scared about! It just means that Speedy isn't the only one with 80's music taste! (thinks for a moment)...Actually that is SCARY! Polly: (pointing to the back of the cover) But LOOK! His initials! (losing her mind) This is Speedy's CD! And this spaceship is clearly REAL! Because like you said Big Cheese couldn't afford this kind of Spaceship! In fact CHINA COULDN'T AFFORD THIS SPACESHIP!!!! Don't you SEE THAT THIS ISN'T A SET UP!!!!!!! Guido: If it is Speedy's CD how did it get from his house to here so quickly..? Polly: Guido think about IT!! Speedy's house is just down the ROAD!! He probably came here when he was being CHASED AWAY!! Guido: Well give me a logical and thought reason as to why he brought the CD with HIM??!! Polly: Because he's a NUT! Guido: Good answer (trying to relax her) OKAY! Lets just calm down and breeeeath...what would Mulder and Scully do..? Polly: Probably call the FBI but may I inform you we don't work for the FBI! We work for a PIZZA PLACE!!! What are we going to DO! SEND A BUNCH OF PEPPERONI PIZZA'S DOWN HERE AND DO A DNA TEST!!!! Guido: (yelling) DON'T GET HYSTERICAL ON ME POLLY!!! It won't solve anything! It's just a CD!! It's not an invasion PLAN!!! (As if out of no where, a screen display near by flickers on to reveal a world map with a heading entitled "Invasion Plan") Guido: (refusing to be defeated) Okay I know this is looking BAD! But Speedy can't be a real ALIEN!!!!?? Although it would explain why he talks to that single walkie-talkie... Polly: (breathless) This can't be HAPPENING! I'm in love with an ALIEN! Not to mention a WHAM FAN!!! Guido: What did you just say...? Polly: I...ah..(suddenly embarrassed) I mean....I'm FRIENDS with an alien...who is also a Wham fan....(charging out of the spaceship) Anyway we have to get back to the Palace and tell Fran. She's going to be really mad when she finds out she hired someone outside the SUBURB! It's against store policy... Guido: (still on the previous topic) I could have sworn you didn't say you were "friends" with an alien...you said.. Polly: (hits him on the head and pulls him out the door before he could finish his sentence) Earth to NO BRAIN! If we lose concentration now the whole world could be doomed in a matter of MINUTES!!! And I have a lunch date with Luciel tomorrow that I really don't want to MISS! Guido: (sarcastic) Well by all MEANS! Let's save the world so you can have coffee and CAKE! N: As Part Two comes to a conclusion we begin to ask ourselves is their a meaning to this tale? Or is the plot thinning out like Speedy's BRAIN?! And will Speedy ever get his life back to the way it was!? Or his he doomed to be known as the amazing "gender changing" alien for the remainder of his super-hero career!?? Will he be able to convince Polly and Guido that he's not an alien??? Does Polly really love a Wham fan??? Will Princess Vi really be on ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT!? I hope not. Seeing her face on THIS show is enough... Vi: (insulted) I HEARD THAT!!! N: (running away) Gotta GO!! I think I left the gas running in my apartment...! TO BE CONTINUED....!!